the minutes are ticking by

Apr 04, 2009 01:09

It was a stillness I had never experienced. The world faded into the shadows and along with it, into the darkness spilled away the noise. All that was left was this silence, this heart-breaking, earth-shattering emptiness.

The daylight was seeping through the cracks between each blind as if to be the sole time-keeper of that moment, forever reminding that it was morning... a beautiful one at that. And with it's gentle, intangible warmth, it caressed the facets of your beautifully aged face and soft strands of salted pepper. The glow of life was lingering within you even though you had already parted ways.

I died with you that day. I lost so much of myself. It was if I was broken and then put back together by Picasso... not all there yet a semblance of the person I was just hours before.

Six moons have passed and I'm still trying to pick up all the pieces. Still trying to make sense of everything that happened after you left us. Still trying to forgive. Still trying to accept. My heart aches consistently. I feel as if I'm walking a fine line between two paths... keeping a balance between light and dark. Wishing at times that I could let out the many versions of myself trapped within a hall of mirrors. Outwardly smiling at the world, putting my best foot forward. Inwardly screaming and crying, beating against the walls and shaking in the corner... alone, lost, and irrevocably sad. And yet, this quaking invalid is hidden behind laughter and workaholic tendencies, holding my mother's hand and whispering phrases I hardly believe myself.

"It's going to be okay. We're going to make it through this. Don't lose yourself in the sadness. Think of him and smile because we were lucky for the time we had. We're going to be okay."

The black and white still-frames of your life have been meticulously hung all around us. So that we always remember... so that we feel you close... so that you never fade. Can you see us from beyond the veiled curtain? Can you still feel our love?

Daddy, I'm doing my best. Please give me strength.
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