Hmmmm.... responds the computer to my questioning gaze
Today was a rough day. Usually, I'll blog in da Myspace but I feel like there's too many people reading there. I don't know that a lot of those same friends keep up with this so, I felt a little less... watched. I realize that posting this openly doesn't hide anything. But, at the very least, I will have less conversations about other people having conversations about what I posted. Really, if you have an issue with something I post or a question for that matter, wouldn't it make sense to ask me? I don't know. Just seems logical.
Anyhow, dad's passing has taken a real heavy toll on me. More so on my mother, of course. For the last couple of days, we've been mulling over the things that transpired around his funeral and the decisions that were made. We're both very conflicted over it and the fact that he's buried 1800 miles away doesn't help. We went shopping yesterday which was difficult as it was with mom being so down. We saw one of Dad's friends and that upset her even more. I can understand why. The conversation regarding his death is something she can't really tolerate yet people are insistent about discussing it. And yes, we both know that you can't escape it. I just think it makes her life a little simpler when it isn't shoved in her face constantly. So, that set us up for a tough night followed by a rough day.
I was supposed to go see an attorney today to do his probate stuff. But, honestly, I just didn't feel up to it. I have a hard enough time closing out accounts and dealing with his bills right now. I took care of three hospital bills and I was a mess. Seriously, I don't know how to control myself. I'm pretty calm and collected for the most part but when it deals with settling his stuff, the waterworks just start flowing and I can't get a hold of myself. So needless to say, I was all over the place today.
And here, with my emotions all in a fucked-up knot, I decide to talk about other things that get me depressed and even more emotional. I don't know what got into me. Or why I thought I could handle such a conversation especially with an unreceptive party. And yes, this is a conversation that I bring up from time to time. Frankly though, when time becomes this ever-so-essential commodity that is always running out... slipping through your fingers... lost forever... you just can't help but get hyped up about using that time wisely. The fact is that I see the world in a different light than the other parties involved. I feel that words need to be backed up by action and when they're not, I get extremely frustrated. Now, add the fact that I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm grieving, and I'm frustrated in other areas... that subject becomes even more critical and vital. It makes sense to me but apparently not to the other parties. Go fig.
My dad wasn't he best man alive but he was a good man. He had compassion for his fellow man. He gave the shirt off his back to help countless people. He provided for us as best as he could. And he loved us, as tempestuous as it was, a great deal and backed up his words with actions. I miss him a lot. I find myself pulling out my cell to call him up and talk to him about my plans or about my day. I cry a lot at the thought that I didn't give him the time he deserved because I used it elsewhere. And maybe that's my biggest problem of all. I lost my father and I didn't give him all the time he deserved so now I question my past and current actions relentlessly. They have to count for something. I can't have wasted those few precious moments that I could have spent with him.
I'm sure that certain people may be offended by those statements. But the fact is... it's my pain, my agony, my sadness. And questioning my actions shouldn't offend you. I gave up so much in the last 12 years. I really have. I gave up my education and family for "love". It failed and I picked up the pieces. Then, I did it again. Sacrificed for love. In doing so, I gave up the moments I could have spent with my father. God, just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. And it's not that I think that I've wasted that time. I just question it's importance. You see, I'm one of those that gives a lot and hopes to get it in return. When I don't, I am very disappointed. And I'm not saying that if I give 150%, I expect the same. But at least show me that you're trying to make an effort. Give me something to work off of. Don't let me get to the point where I don't see any reason to continue because I'm not the type to linger. I will walk away and cut you out of my life. Right now, that would be a very nasty scenario.
The worst thing about all of this is that I keep thinking about some of the things my dad would say to me when he was frustrated or angry with my situation. And a lot of what he said has come true.
Anyhow, dad's passing has taken a real heavy toll on me. More so on my mother, of course. For the last couple of days, we've been mulling over the things that transpired around his funeral and the decisions that were made. We're both very conflicted over it and the fact that he's buried 1800 miles away doesn't help. We went shopping yesterday which was difficult as it was with mom being so down. We saw one of Dad's friends and that upset her even more. I can understand why. The conversation regarding his death is something she can't really tolerate yet people are insistent about discussing it. And yes, we both know that you can't escape it. I just think it makes her life a little simpler when it isn't shoved in her face constantly. So, that set us up for a tough night followed by a rough day.
I was supposed to go see an attorney today to do his probate stuff. But, honestly, I just didn't feel up to it. I have a hard enough time closing out accounts and dealing with his bills right now. I took care of three hospital bills and I was a mess. Seriously, I don't know how to control myself. I'm pretty calm and collected for the most part but when it deals with settling his stuff, the waterworks just start flowing and I can't get a hold of myself. So needless to say, I was all over the place today.
And here, with my emotions all in a fucked-up knot, I decide to talk about other things that get me depressed and even more emotional. I don't know what got into me. Or why I thought I could handle such a conversation especially with an unreceptive party. And yes, this is a conversation that I bring up from time to time. Frankly though, when time becomes this ever-so-essential commodity that is always running out... slipping through your fingers... lost forever... you just can't help but get hyped up about using that time wisely. The fact is that I see the world in a different light than the other parties involved. I feel that words need to be backed up by action and when they're not, I get extremely frustrated. Now, add the fact that I feel like I'm falling apart, I'm grieving, and I'm frustrated in other areas... that subject becomes even more critical and vital. It makes sense to me but apparently not to the other parties. Go fig.
My dad wasn't he best man alive but he was a good man. He had compassion for his fellow man. He gave the shirt off his back to help countless people. He provided for us as best as he could. And he loved us, as tempestuous as it was, a great deal and backed up his words with actions. I miss him a lot. I find myself pulling out my cell to call him up and talk to him about my plans or about my day. I cry a lot at the thought that I didn't give him the time he deserved because I used it elsewhere. And maybe that's my biggest problem of all. I lost my father and I didn't give him all the time he deserved so now I question my past and current actions relentlessly. They have to count for something. I can't have wasted those few precious moments that I could have spent with him.
I'm sure that certain people may be offended by those statements. But the fact is... it's my pain, my agony, my sadness. And questioning my actions shouldn't offend you. I gave up so much in the last 12 years. I really have. I gave up my education and family for "love". It failed and I picked up the pieces. Then, I did it again. Sacrificed for love. In doing so, I gave up the moments I could have spent with my father. God, just thinking about it makes me want to burst into tears. And it's not that I think that I've wasted that time. I just question it's importance. You see, I'm one of those that gives a lot and hopes to get it in return. When I don't, I am very disappointed. And I'm not saying that if I give 150%, I expect the same. But at least show me that you're trying to make an effort. Give me something to work off of. Don't let me get to the point where I don't see any reason to continue because I'm not the type to linger. I will walk away and cut you out of my life. Right now, that would be a very nasty scenario.
The worst thing about all of this is that I keep thinking about some of the things my dad would say to me when he was frustrated or angry with my situation. And a lot of what he said has come true.