Determined
Title : Determined
Rating : T
Fandom : EXO
Genre : Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: Xiu Min x Lu Han
Length : ~6 000 (no fucking idea how)
Summary: Minseok could have left him just like that, but Lu Han is stubborn. He is going to prove Minseok wrong, and no matter how long it takes, he refuses to stop searching.
Notes : I'm never confident with my romance, but to hell with it, I wrote this and ask you to read. Take or do not take the offer.
Warning: Pirate tongue, arr! (And the worst "sad" scene ever. Have I really written something like 'never giving up on feelings?')
Time already passed like this,
I try looking for your traces, but they are erased
The last memories of you are locked in the rim of my tears.
Determined
It had been years.
Time had already passed like this; searching for him, looking for him, and endlessly hoping to find him. Since that day at the park, Lu Han had been trying to find traces other than what he had in his memory - which threatened to fade away with flowing time. But damn bastard had kept the promise Lu Han didn't even want him to make in the first place perfectly. If Lu Han wasn't sure that the feeling of lips against his was too fascinating and unique to be imagined, someone could convince him that a man named Kim Minseok had never showed up in his life.
(...)
“You're a coward,” Lu Han said. He felt like screaming those words like a raged teenager he currently was, but his emotions were apparently too wild to have a chance to show itself.
“I know.” Minseok wouldn't even look at him, or anything other than Lu Han's hands in his.
Lu Han unconsciously budged. Minseok was known to be a brave guy who is proud of it. He knew how the Korean hated when he was assumed to be scared, even if it's to tease. But there he was, agreeing with Lu Han, let alone getting pissed like he usually did.
“I just... can't.”
“Since when Kim Minseok cares about what people think?” Lu Han pulled his hands away harshly. “I love you because you never do something you don't want to just because society wants so.” The anger finally decided he was ready to be showcased right before Lu Han started shouting. “You hear that? I love you, asshole! And you cannot change it, no matter what you do or say, no matter what people do or say; because I will never give up on my feelings!”
“Time can,” Minseok said with no emotion reflected in his voice, but Lu Han could read he was only as happy as the brunette Chinese was. And that only made Lu Han even angrier; it made both of them wretched and Minseok kept rejecting even the idea of them together. Just what kind of sadomasochist he was?!
“What do you mean, time can?” Lu Han didn't shout as loud as previously, but his voice was still rather raised.
Minseok looked him in the eyes. “I will simply disappear. I will get you out of my life and get out of yours. You'll hurt, I'll hurt; but without any traces from me, your mind will force you to forget me.”
“No I won't, you fucking idiot!” Here is a bad habit of Lu Han's; he rarely ever cussed, but when he was mad, his tiny vocabulary of swearwords flooded out of his throat. “This thing- love I feel it's not that freaking simple. Especially not when I know you love me too!” He grabbed Minseok's shoulders, staring right into his eyes - if looks have levels of strength, Lu Han's stare was a lot stronger than Minseok's from half a minute ago. But this gesture of his actually was only a voice tone away from begging. “I know you're feeling it. I know you're killing yourself inside, too. It's displayed clearly in your eyes, only for me to read...” He softly leaned towards Minseok and kissed the corner of his eye, causing elder male to shiver lightly and close his eyes. “...also on your face...” Another peck, this time on the vaguely chubby cheek. “...and every single tiny movement of your body.” Lu Han suddenly embraced Minseok tightly, who automatically responded by wrapping his arms around his waist as well. He felt the latter taking in his scent, and it literally made his heart beat even faster than before. “Please don't leave me just because... because of such a stupid reason.”
“Stupid?!” Suddenly the younger was pushed away; it was Minseok’s turn to be angry. “Would you care to explain how living in a homophobic country is a stupid reason? Being the son of extremely homophobic parents? We’re still goddamn teenagers Lu Han, we can’t ignore all these facts that easily when we still have to rely on our country and family. I’d do anything for you…” Suddenly, Minseok’s outburst left quickly, without leaving tiniest sign of his previous irritation as his big eyes went visibly softer. “…you know that; but we can’t do it under this conditions.”
“We can wait,” Lu Han protested. “We are already in our last term of high school, and after that, we can-”
“I can see where you’re going at. But let’s presume that we handled families and friends - convince or leave, what about, I don’t know, the rest of the country?”
“Who gives a fuck about the damn country?”
“I do! We won’t be living in an isolated island Lu Han, we will still have to interact with people.”
“Then let’s keep it a secret! If you care about people knowing it so much, then don’t let them know it. It’s better than nothing.”
Minseok shook his head slowly. “That kind of relationship wouldn’t last long. It would want to be revealed or destroyed. And I can’t bear losing you if I once taste the joy of being with you.”
“So instead of ‘losing me’, genius, you want to break me?” Lu Han’s voice trembled with overfilled sarcasm and held-back tears.
“I’m already losing you now, Lu Han.” Minseok’s voice had went weaker. “And I don’t know what is shredding me more, only this fact or also that I am the one who makes this choice.” He dropped his gaze away from Lu Han. “It would be easier… if I leave no traces behind, right?”
From the shorter male’s voice, Lu Han had understood that the conversation was coming to an end. He thought he was going to start screaming once again; but all he could let out was a weak, pathetic “Don’t”, which he was clearly begging now.
“Close your eyes,” Minseok demanded.
Lu Han wanted to reject, but there was nothing he could do to prevent his upcoming loss. He looked at Minseok, soaking every single perfect detail before he closed his eyes.
“Start counting to one hundred and twenty, and no matter what happens, do not open your eyes until you’re finished.”
One… Two… Three…
…Fourteen… Fifteen…
He suddenly felt a soft pressure against his lips, which wouldn’t disappear until Lu Han came to forty-seven.
He felt tears pushing against his eyelids that fought to be dropped.
...Sixty-eight… Sixty-nine…
Now there was a soft wind passing through his right ear, caused by a whisper. “I love you, my Lu Han.”
Tears fell.
…One-eighteen… One-nineteen… One hundred and twenty.
He opened his eyes.
That was how Kim Minseok died away from Lu Han’s life.
(…)
It had been seven years since then. Seven whole years… It sounded easy, but while it took so long for even one year to pass, could anyone imagine how long seven years were?
For whole those seven years, Lu Han looked for Minseok. He wanted to prove him that it wasn’t that easy to get out of the Lu Han’s life unless the man in question wanted so. Sadly, Minseok always kept his promises and although the last thing the Chinese wanted was this promise, it was no exception.
Lu Han honestly had no idea how Minseok had managed to go away that easily. When Lu Han confessed to him only to be rejected with requited feelings in that park, their graduation and college exams were coming up. That meant senior students were allowed to skip school to study as long as their parents let the school know. Minseok had used it for his advantage; Lu Han never saw him at school again. His parents liked Lu Han, but he was able to get no information from them because Minseok had strictly told them not to let Lu Han see him. He didn’t turn up to graduation ceremony either; which Lu Han had anticipated, because Minseok hated graduations and was originally going to come just for Lu Han. But of course, Lu Han didn’t expect him to do something that would let him see once again. The thing with their friendship was that they both had always been way too stubborn for their own good.
Lu Han hadn’t accepted it though, he still didn’t. Since then, he looked for other ways to get news from him. But Lu Han probably would be a terrible detective, since he continuously kept failing and failing.
Instead giving up on searching, he vowed to find his ‘baozi’ someday. Because what Lu Han felt wasn’t a simple teenage crush, and he was going to slap that in Minseok’s face.
(…)
Lu Han never gave up on him, but he never thought Minseok was wrong either.
Oh Sehun was one of Lu Han’s best friends. Sometimes even the best. He was the first real friend he got after his best friend left him in that park. Lu Han had always been friendly and social, Minseok wasn’t his only friend just like he wasn’t Minseok’s only friend either; but he was pretty shaken after the Korean left him, especially while he responded Lu Han’s feelings. He had kept talking to people, sometimes hanging out with them too; but he felt like there was a distance. Four years were a long term for a teenager, and caused their friendship to go beyond family bounds; no one could expect Lu Han to replace that easily.
It was his first year of college; but he wasn’t a freshman yet - his college required him to be a preparatory student first. That meant all his classes were English language, and he had time to take dance classes for hobby. However, that day he had been into his extra practice so deep that he was about to miss his English class; and this was no good because his scholarship wasn’t happy with irregular attendance. He had every right to be panicked while running towards the campus, and bumping into a pole wasn’t a happy accident.
Well, at least he thought it was a pole at first. The guy was so tall, and he walked so slowly that Lu Han’s mind couldn’t comprehend his movements with that adrenaline. Unfortunately, the po- guy had a cup of bubble tea in his hand, and Lu Han had caused him to drop it. Right onto his already fallen books.
Lu Han cursed out loud when he saw his English text books drenched in cold tea, but it was nothing compared to the horror once his eyes met with the guy’s.
They were the eyes of death.
“Oh… Uhm… I’m sorry.” Lu Han was a confident person and the guy absolutely seemed younger than him; but the glare was so psychotic that the shorter male found himself stuttering and bowing repeatedly.
While practicing how close his face could get to the ground, he felt a hand grabbing his arm tightly. Actually, ‘tight’ was an understatement; Lu Han was literally praying to God to be able to use his arm again - and for your information, Lu Han was an atheist.
“Buy me new bubble tea,” the guy demanded with a tone that matched his eyes.
“Couldn’t you wait… about… two tiny little hours?” Lu Han asked sheepishly. “I am already late to the class and I have a scholarship-”
“Now.” Turns out, he could get more psychotic.
Despite the threatening first impression, Sehun was actually a happy guy who laughed easily and was fun to hang out with - as long as you don’t touch his preciousss, or with a more common name, bubble tea. After Lu Han got him his bubble tea, he practically evolved; and the now-blonde Chinese boy found himself having fun and a good laugh with Sehun in the two hours where he was supposed to be at class.
Age different was huge; Sehun was only a freshman at high school when Lu Han met him. But that was no obstacle for them to become an inseparable duo which was going to become a larger group later. It could be that Lu Han was too immature or Sehun was too mature for his age; but Lu Han defended the second option, saying that he is the youngest of their group and got along with all of them.
But even that close friend wasn’t completely okay with it when he learned about Lu Han’s undying love about another man.
“I’m not actually gay,” Lu Han explained. They were at a bubble tea shop; bubble tea themed meetings were their tradition since they first met six years ago. “I still like girls physically and I don’t have an interest for another guy… It’s like I’m gay only for him.”
But the shocked - and slightly judging, Lu Han noted- look in Sehun’s eyes wouldn’t change as he remained speechless.
“Come on, Sehun,” Lu Han begged as his heart started beating rapidly as panic was diffused in his body. He valued his friends over anything; he couldn’t bear even with the possibility of losing one.
Sehun’s body remained frozen until he finally managed mumbling “Sorry, Lu Han” and got up to get out of the café.
Leaving his bubble tea on the table.
Betrayal hurt too much that Lu Han could bet there was a knife in his chest if his hand didn’t testify otherwise while it was pressed against his body.
Thankfully, Sehun texted him the next day, apologizing and asking him to call back. Lu Han complied, and was relieved when Sehun said he could get okay with his semi-homosexuality.
“If you were someone else, I’d run away without looking back,” Sehun said. “But you have done so much for me so far that I just can’t be that thankless, leaving you behind while you just told me you have a quenchless pain - especially before anyone else knew it.” He sighed. “For someone else, I wouldn’t make this call - but you are not someone else, neither are the other crazy bastards we call friends. You are worth to be an exception, Lu Han. Just try not to remind it too often… nor get fooled by my incredibly sexy looks,” he joked.
“Jongdae, is that you?” Lu Han replied with a joke as well, and all the serious atmosphere between them was vanished.
Lu Han was happy that he hadn’t lost Sehun, but that day, he understood what Minseok meant very well.
(…)
Zhang Yixing, or as known as Lay on the stage, was another best friend of Lu Han’s. He tended to get distracted easily and Lu Han saw it as another sign of his high intelligence - but of course, he respected the code of best-friendship and mocked him for that instead of doing such a ridiculous thing as praising him.
Yixing had all skills to become an idol, but he refused to become a doll of entertainment companies; he was too fond of his freedom to do so. Instead, he became a backstage dancer; he got to do what he loved doing as a job while he still kept his life to himself. He was famous amongst music companies and idols, that was for sure; but fans never cared about ‘backstagers’, therefore there was no need for him to have tighter schedules more than just concerts or a perfect personality that he would only pretend to have.
He had also studied math at college with a professional degree, just in case something unfortunate would happen and his dancing career would vanish. He was a genius when it came to math and he liked it too, so it was cool to have it as a back-up plan. An analytic geometry class was where he met Lu Han; they didn’t share the class but Lu Han was looking for the professor, and they had a quite nice chat while waiting. To be honest, it was so nice that only thing they kept spotting every second was more things in common - he being only Chinese Lu Han since the Lu family came the Korea was only one of them. Besides, for Yixing, meeting a fellow dancer other than Jongin was what meeting a fellow Chinese was to Lu Han; and it wasn’t unexpected that the day ended in dance studio for both of them.
Of course, after freaking Sehun out, Lu Han wasn’t planning on telling anyone else about Minseok. But this time, he was forced to; and Lu Han wasn’t having his strongest moments when Yixing ran across his pathetic figure.
Lu Han wasn’t always so confident about getting his ‘baozi’ back. During seven years, indeed he sometimes was about to break down, one breath away from giving up, suffocating under the weight of his stubborn hope. He made sure no one ever witnessed his vulnerable moments, but he couldn’t foresee Yixing’s interruption during one of them.
How he was supposed to find him anyways? The thought sneaked into his mind as he dropped on the floor, his back leaning against the wall behind him. Of course, it was more than possible that Minseok could have moved to another city, or even another country; what made it even more certain was that Minseok’s dream job was an archeologist - probably most traveler job on earth. He knew no connections of Minseok, so he had nowhere to take hints either. What Lu Han was doing was nothing different than looking for a single needle amongst bunches of hay spread on the floor; he had whole word to look for while Minseok could be still moving.
If he knew Minseok was at a certain somewhere, he’d drop anything to head there instantly. But all he knew was no more than when he was eighteen, right before Minseok left him for good. He had searched all archeology departments in Korea, China and Japan - in case of a probable exchange, but universities were strict and their security systems were better than how it was shown in movies. Lu Han couldn’t even get information of whether they had a certain dumpling as a student or not. Besides, there was the fact that he could have changed his mind; archeology wasn’t the most assuring job for sure.
And after college, all he knew about Minseok was useless.
So were his endeavors on finding him.
“Lu Han.”
His head fronted to the source of the demanding voice.
“You are telling me the problem this instant. ‘No’, ‘Nevermind’, ‘let it be’, ‘Fuck off Xing’ and any variations aren’t taken as an answer.”
This was how Yixing was; always straightforward and clear as a diamond arrow. He didn’t need to do all those meaningless patting or whispering sweet nothings to be there for his friends. His logic was simple: ‘you are my friend, and I’ll be there for you, actually helping you.’ Yixing’s advices were always logical too; after all, consolations would make people actually believe they were miserable. So you wouldn’t talk to him about emotions, you’d come to him for solutions.
He didn’t have to always find the solutions, of course. “You are too deep in the dark,” Yixing commented after cautiously listening to Lu Han. “How the hell are you gonna look around yourself without any light?”
“If there was any way to get information, I would Yixing,” Lu Han deadpanned. But then he raised his head with realization. “Wait, then you’re okay with it?”
“Okay with what?”
“You know… About me… loving…”
“This guy?”
“Yep. That.”
Yixing shrugged. “Why would I?”
“Because… I am a guy too.”
“Yeah, I noticed. About five years ago, to be exact.”
“Ha. Ha.” Lu Han sent him a glare. “Very funny.”
“Look, I care about the amount of flour grains in a sack more than how much I care about who you love… Unless whoever you love is a trouble, of course.” Straight logic stroke again. “Besides, I have another friend who loves another guy too; and what kind of logic that would be if I still had him as a close friend and leave you on the floor like… this?” Yixing pointed at Lu Han’s position.
Lu Han was interested. “Really? Who is that?”
But his question was left without a respond as Yixing dazed off.
Lu Han smacked his friend’s shoulder. “Yixing!”
“Oh, sorry, I was just thinking… The story that friend of mine told was similar to yours. Coincidence? I don’t believe in those. I was trying to remember the details, maybe it would help you.”
Lu Han was more eager than interested now.
“Have you ever met Jongdae’s cousin?”
The blond shook his head.
“He’s the one I’m talking about. Jongdae introduced us about two years ago, and we got along really well. He’s often abroad for his job, but whenever he’s back in Korea - or sometimes, when we are in the same other country, we make sure we hang out. Other times, we’re using internet and sorts.”
“What’s his job?” Lu Han asked curiously. If Minseok had become an archeologist, then he’d be abroad often, right? Plus, there aren’t too many Korean archeologists; it would be too much for some coincidence.
Yixing opened his mouth, but then closed it again with a shameful manner. He bowed his head and looked at Lu Han innocently behind his eyelashes.
Lu Han narrowed his eyes. “You forgot, didn’t you?”
“But it’s not the important part, I promise! Anyways, he eventually trusted me enough much to tell about this. He received a confession from his best friend back at high school, according to what he told, and he left him there. He loved, actually, still loves him; but he was scared of the reactions, now he regrets it though… And it was in a park, too. Too much similarity, don’t you think?”
Lu Han’s usual energy was back once again as his eyes went wider with the excitement and the revived hope. “What’s his name?” But all was shattered once again when he got his reply.
“Xiu Min.”
(…)
Lu Han didn’t remember the exact date of that day. But he was glad, the last thing he needed was a day completely presenting and reminding him of his misery and Minseok; as if he could ever forget.
“SURPRISE!”
He jumped with shock when the lights were suddenly turned on and revealed six overly-excited faces.
“Happy birthday!” Chanyeol, or as known as ‘Giantyeol’ in their group of friends approached and pulled Lu Han into an embrace while the latter tried to comprehend his surroundings.
“What- Huh-” Lu Han had few seconds of confusion before he facepalmed. “Right. My birthday. I completely forgot.”
“How the hell can you forget your own birthday?” Jongdae rolled his eyes as his finger went towards a cake’s frosting, but it was slapped by Tao instantly.
“Don’t blabber ‘I am busy’ nonsense, Lu Han, we know all you do in that lab is sleeping.” Jongin grinned as he grabbed Lu Han’s wrist and pulled him into the living room. “You are just that stupid. And guess what Tao brought?”
Lu Han’s curious eyes rested on his muscular citizen, who kept grinning mischievously. When he understood Tao wasn’t going to blurt it out by himself, he gave in. “What?”
“You’re gonna have to guess,” Sehun protested. “That’s the fun part.”
“Clue: it’s something to drink,” Jongdae helped.
“Does it involve alcohol?” Lu Han asked suspiciously.
“Yep,” Tao confirmed.
Lu Han didn’t always drink, but of course, he was an adult and there were occasions. Like his own birthday. He started sorting his favorite drinks. “Vodka? Sake? Tequila?”
“I’ll give you another hint,” Yixing interrupted. “Look around.”
Lu Han was too busy examining his friends’ faces since he entered his apartment that he couldn’t have a chance to look around. But as his eyes moved around the room, he understood why Tao had a cool eye patch - he didn’t understand why he didn’t though. But he was still amazed. Excited. Happy like a child. Whatever you name it.
There was a stuffed parrot on his LED television while an anchor was hung above an armchair. A rope surrounded his living room along with some fake -at least he hoped it was fake- seaweed. There stood a fake skeleton sitting on a chair with red-white striped bandana, an eye patch and a blue-white striped t-shirt. A black flag with a skull and swords on it stood above his head, but he was too busy wondering where in tarnation his little folk found a real rudder. His wooden-patterned wallpaper helped the decoration a lot; someone had dirtied it in such a way that it actually gave the impression of a ship. And lastly, there hung a long, worn-out-on-purpose fabric which said ‘Merry Day o’Birth, Capt’n Lu Han!’ with black dye.
If there wasn’t his manly man pride, he would have squealed about ten times so far. His fanaticism for pirates was no secret, and his friends seemed content with his easily-read excitement. “A pirate theme? Are you kidding me?”
“Ye haf’ta be talkin’ t’pirate tongue, matey.” Tao warned playfully as he took out a bottle of rum.
Sehun placed a pirate hat on Lu Han’s head. “And ye be th’ capt’n.” He blinked. “Fer now.”
“Arr, yarr want t’be sent off th’ plank?” Lu Han poked the youngest with a plastic sword beside the fake golden chest.
Sehun laughed at Lu Han’s terrible pirate accent as he took another one - not that any of them really nailed that accent though. “Bring it on, matey.”
“Capt’n, be blowin’ th’ burnin’ sticks first…” Chanyeol pointed at the candles on the cake that Jongin just lit. “And make a wish!”
Jongdae rolled his eyes at Chanyeol’s terrible attempt to talk in pirate. “I think pirates knew about candles and conjugations, Yeol.”
“Pirate tongue! Yarr haf’ta be talkin’ in th’ pirate tongue!” Chanyeol protested energetically. “Capt’n, mate not be speakin’ in pirate! He be a traitor!”
“T’ Davy Jones with him!” Lu Han laughed whole heartedly as he headed towards the cake, surrounded by his favorite people on Earth - except for one. The gang started singing the traditional song of birthdays, but they sang the words they wrote on the fabric instead of the original one with their most-certainly-awful fake accents.
Lu Han smiled, remembering the origin of his pirate addiction. It all started when Minseok brought pirate movies for one of their traditional movie nights. By the end of the night, the duo was talking weirdly as if they were really pirates, and kept doing it during whole week; frustrating their teachers, friends and family to death with their trolling.
‘Let me find you, baozi,” he wished for the seventh time as he blew the candles. He didn’t really believe in birthday wishes, but he was so hopeless than he could throw away all his beliefs just to find him.
(…)
There are Seven Wonders of the World. Seven books in Harry Potter series. Vongola Family had seven guardians. Lu Han’s friend group consisted of seven dorks. Maybe seven birthday wishes were what it took.
A week later than his probably-the-most-awesome-birthday-party-in-his-life-so-far, he woke up to his door being knocked its poor hinges out. Lu Han groaned as he lazily got out of the bed, cursing whatever caused this rush on his door, and of course, the one on his door too.
“Coming,” he growled after checking his alarm clock. Nearly 10 AM. Didn’t every individual on Earth know that it was illegal to wake Lu Han up before 12 PM on Sundays?
He stumbled on his way to the door more than a few times, but who could blame his sleepy head? Whoever it was on the door deserved to wait, because Lu Han was waken up and this was worse than possibility of anyone’s death.
But when he opened the door, every bit of his spoiled thoughts disappeared along with his sleep. With wide eyes, he examined the man on the door who was panting heavily.
He wore white sport shoes under a tight dark jean that coated his perfectly shaped legs and thighs. A string of chain swung on his left thigh, moving with every hard breath he took. He wore a Nirvana t-shirt under a black hoodie that was gray inside, and there was a black string seen under his collar - the pendant was hidden under the t-shirt, but Lu Han knew what was hung on the tip. The blond looked at the Adam’s apple longingly before he finally stopped on his red and sweaty, just a little chubby face that slightly conflicted with his fat-free body.
The face he wished to see every minute of the day and night.
The face he longed for years.
The face he couldn’t bear with even the sight of steamed buns because of.
His eyes focused on big, brown eyes across him.
“Lu Han.” Minseok whispered.
“Baozi…” Lu Han didn’t know why he whispered as well, nor did he know the reason why his nickname came before his actual name. He didn’t know what was he doing after whole seven years or how did he find him, and he didn’t know why he felt like fainting. He didn’t know why all his thoughts became cheesy and girly while he thought he’d act coldblooded and manly once he found him. One thing he knew that this was real since Minseok didn’t show up even in his dreams.
And fuck, he missed him.
“I- I don’t know why I did, but I ran all the way here from Coffee LEC…” Minseok tried to explain. “I just… couldn’t wait any longer.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” Lu Han’s voice was more blank than Applebloom’s flank.
“Lu Han…” Minseok inhaled one last time to sort out his breath. “For years, I hoped I’d see you again… Because there is something I need to say.”
Lu Han blinked his eyes once, keeping the blank expression plastered on his face. But inside, there were tornados throwing his heath back and forth in his rib cage harshly. Possibilities of what was he going to say filled in his mind, but Lu Han only took the worst ones; everything could be possible but he was sick of hoping. Maybe Minseok was going to ask if Lu Han got over him, expecting a positive answer to say ‘I told you so’. But if this was what the humanized steamed bun planned, he was so very wrong; because Lu Han had done anything but getting over him during the last seven years.
“I am a fucking idiot.”
Lu Han blinked his eyes again.
“That’s what I wanted to say. I am. A. Fucking. Idiot. I thought it was the best for both of us to leave you, and time would erase every feeling… But, I was being an idiot. You were right, I was wrong; time isn’t as talented as everyone thinks. I still love you, Lu Han. I don’t care if whole universe is homophobic, I already realized even staying in secret is better than being far from you.”
Lu Han thought he saw tears forming in the elder’s eyes, but even if they were real, Minseok blinked them away.
“It’s been years, I know, and you probably don’t even love me anymore, maybe hate me, but I can’t give up without trying.” The slightly chubby boy gulped. “I love you, Lu Han. Please accept my feelings.”
Lu Han’s senses finally responded as his brain recognized the situation.
Minseok, Minseok was standing on his door.
He was looking straight into his eyes.
He said he loved Lu Han more than once, after all these years, to be noted.
And he said he regrets his decision of leaving seven years ago.
THUD.
Minseok looked at Lu Han with wide eyes after his body hit the ground. His head had also knocked on the floor, satisfying the Chinese more. It was good to see the concrete approved the punch he threw in Minseok’s stomach.
“YOU IDIOT!” Lu Han screamed before kneeling down, just to keep punching Minseok. He felt terribly mad; it was no surprise he started cursing again. “Do you have a fucking idea how long I’ve been looking for you? Trying to find your stupid sexy sorry ass? Seven goddamn years, Minseok, and I never gave up. Never gave up asking for you, never gave up loving you. I was going to prove you that time is nothing more than an incompetent bitch, then someday you came out of nowhere, standing on my poor door, telling you were as miserable as I have been?”
Minseok grabbed Lu Han’s wrists. “Lu Han…”
“If we were both miserable, why the hell you kept on… on… doing this? Just what kind of person you are, making such a stupid decision all by yourself just to hurt you and me both?”
Minseok lowered his eyes.
“You know what, I hate you, you idiot. You don’t deserve me and I should just kick your ass of this instant.”
“I know,” Minseok mumbled sadly.
Lu Han examined the shorter male’s facial features once again, taking in everything he loved and missed… practically every single detail. He exhaled, silently cursing how Minseok still kept his perfection; with his perfectly rounded cheek that was not exactly fat but still visible, his perfectly rounded eyes, his perfect hair that would look perfect no matter what shape it’s in. Of course, there were a few changes; like how his hair style changed or how his cheeks went a bit thinner. But still, he only looked even more perfect; Lu Han refused to believe existence of any other word to describe Minseok.
He lunged forward and embraced the guy he loved dearly. “You don’t deserve me. But I deserve you. I waited for so long that I have all rights to keep you beside me as long as I want.”
He felt Minseok’s arms wrap around his body. “Yes,” the Korean confirmed. “You do.”
(…)
“How did you find where I live anyways?” Lu Han asked curiously, sending a short look to the guy lying on his bed. Lu Han hated people touching his bed, or even entering his room for the fact; but he refused to allow Minseok get out of his sight.
“Yixing and Jongdae were talking about a birthday party they prepared last week, and I heard your name. Considering you have such a unique name, I didn’t give a chance to probability of coincidence.”
“Wait… Yixing and Jongdae?” Lu Han’s voice was full of disbelief, much to himself though. “How do you know them?”
“I know Jongdae since the day he was born - literally, since he is my cousin, and he’s younger than me, you know. And Yixing’s is main backstage dancer for a singer whose manager is Jongdae, so…”
All Lu Han could do was blinking his eyes as he registered the information. Yixing… Jongdae… Cousin…
“Who is Xiu Min?” He asked blankly.
“Where did you hear that from? It’s my Chinese nickname, a girl had gave me this name when I was in China. Yixing keeps forgetting my name, and it’s easier for him to remember a name in his own language; so I told him he could call me Xiu Min instead.”
I could have found him one year ago… Or five years, since he was Jongdae’s cousin. He always had a connection to Minseok right in the middle of his life, and he didn’t. Even. Know that.
Lu Han silently turned on his heels, walking towards the wall across him without saying anything nor with any expression. Before Minseok’s confused eyes, he placed his hands on the wall, and suddenly, he started banging his head against it rapidly. “STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!”
Rating : T
Fandom : EXO
Genre : Hurt/Comfort
Pairing: Xiu Min x Lu Han
Length : ~6 000 (no fucking idea how)
Summary: Minseok could have left him just like that, but Lu Han is stubborn. He is going to prove Minseok wrong, and no matter how long it takes, he refuses to stop searching.
Notes : I'm never confident with my romance, but to hell with it, I wrote this and ask you to read. Take or do not take the offer.
Warning: Pirate tongue, arr! (And the worst "sad" scene ever. Have I really written something like 'never giving up on feelings?')
Time already passed like this,
I try looking for your traces, but they are erased
The last memories of you are locked in the rim of my tears.
Determined
It had been years.
Time had already passed like this; searching for him, looking for him, and endlessly hoping to find him. Since that day at the park, Lu Han had been trying to find traces other than what he had in his memory - which threatened to fade away with flowing time. But damn bastard had kept the promise Lu Han didn't even want him to make in the first place perfectly. If Lu Han wasn't sure that the feeling of lips against his was too fascinating and unique to be imagined, someone could convince him that a man named Kim Minseok had never showed up in his life.
(...)
“You're a coward,” Lu Han said. He felt like screaming those words like a raged teenager he currently was, but his emotions were apparently too wild to have a chance to show itself.
“I know.” Minseok wouldn't even look at him, or anything other than Lu Han's hands in his.
Lu Han unconsciously budged. Minseok was known to be a brave guy who is proud of it. He knew how the Korean hated when he was assumed to be scared, even if it's to tease. But there he was, agreeing with Lu Han, let alone getting pissed like he usually did.
“I just... can't.”
“Since when Kim Minseok cares about what people think?” Lu Han pulled his hands away harshly. “I love you because you never do something you don't want to just because society wants so.” The anger finally decided he was ready to be showcased right before Lu Han started shouting. “You hear that? I love you, asshole! And you cannot change it, no matter what you do or say, no matter what people do or say; because I will never give up on my feelings!”
“Time can,” Minseok said with no emotion reflected in his voice, but Lu Han could read he was only as happy as the brunette Chinese was. And that only made Lu Han even angrier; it made both of them wretched and Minseok kept rejecting even the idea of them together. Just what kind of sadomasochist he was?!
“What do you mean, time can?” Lu Han didn't shout as loud as previously, but his voice was still rather raised.
Minseok looked him in the eyes. “I will simply disappear. I will get you out of my life and get out of yours. You'll hurt, I'll hurt; but without any traces from me, your mind will force you to forget me.”
“No I won't, you fucking idiot!” Here is a bad habit of Lu Han's; he rarely ever cussed, but when he was mad, his tiny vocabulary of swearwords flooded out of his throat. “This thing- love I feel it's not that freaking simple. Especially not when I know you love me too!” He grabbed Minseok's shoulders, staring right into his eyes - if looks have levels of strength, Lu Han's stare was a lot stronger than Minseok's from half a minute ago. But this gesture of his actually was only a voice tone away from begging. “I know you're feeling it. I know you're killing yourself inside, too. It's displayed clearly in your eyes, only for me to read...” He softly leaned towards Minseok and kissed the corner of his eye, causing elder male to shiver lightly and close his eyes. “...also on your face...” Another peck, this time on the vaguely chubby cheek. “...and every single tiny movement of your body.” Lu Han suddenly embraced Minseok tightly, who automatically responded by wrapping his arms around his waist as well. He felt the latter taking in his scent, and it literally made his heart beat even faster than before. “Please don't leave me just because... because of such a stupid reason.”
“Stupid?!” Suddenly the younger was pushed away; it was Minseok’s turn to be angry. “Would you care to explain how living in a homophobic country is a stupid reason? Being the son of extremely homophobic parents? We’re still goddamn teenagers Lu Han, we can’t ignore all these facts that easily when we still have to rely on our country and family. I’d do anything for you…” Suddenly, Minseok’s outburst left quickly, without leaving tiniest sign of his previous irritation as his big eyes went visibly softer. “…you know that; but we can’t do it under this conditions.”
“We can wait,” Lu Han protested. “We are already in our last term of high school, and after that, we can-”
“I can see where you’re going at. But let’s presume that we handled families and friends - convince or leave, what about, I don’t know, the rest of the country?”
“Who gives a fuck about the damn country?”
“I do! We won’t be living in an isolated island Lu Han, we will still have to interact with people.”
“Then let’s keep it a secret! If you care about people knowing it so much, then don’t let them know it. It’s better than nothing.”
Minseok shook his head slowly. “That kind of relationship wouldn’t last long. It would want to be revealed or destroyed. And I can’t bear losing you if I once taste the joy of being with you.”
“So instead of ‘losing me’, genius, you want to break me?” Lu Han’s voice trembled with overfilled sarcasm and held-back tears.
“I’m already losing you now, Lu Han.” Minseok’s voice had went weaker. “And I don’t know what is shredding me more, only this fact or also that I am the one who makes this choice.” He dropped his gaze away from Lu Han. “It would be easier… if I leave no traces behind, right?”
From the shorter male’s voice, Lu Han had understood that the conversation was coming to an end. He thought he was going to start screaming once again; but all he could let out was a weak, pathetic “Don’t”, which he was clearly begging now.
“Close your eyes,” Minseok demanded.
Lu Han wanted to reject, but there was nothing he could do to prevent his upcoming loss. He looked at Minseok, soaking every single perfect detail before he closed his eyes.
“Start counting to one hundred and twenty, and no matter what happens, do not open your eyes until you’re finished.”
One… Two… Three…
…Fourteen… Fifteen…
He suddenly felt a soft pressure against his lips, which wouldn’t disappear until Lu Han came to forty-seven.
He felt tears pushing against his eyelids that fought to be dropped.
...Sixty-eight… Sixty-nine…
Now there was a soft wind passing through his right ear, caused by a whisper. “I love you, my Lu Han.”
Tears fell.
…One-eighteen… One-nineteen… One hundred and twenty.
He opened his eyes.
That was how Kim Minseok died away from Lu Han’s life.
(…)
It had been seven years since then. Seven whole years… It sounded easy, but while it took so long for even one year to pass, could anyone imagine how long seven years were?
For whole those seven years, Lu Han looked for Minseok. He wanted to prove him that it wasn’t that easy to get out of the Lu Han’s life unless the man in question wanted so. Sadly, Minseok always kept his promises and although the last thing the Chinese wanted was this promise, it was no exception.
Lu Han honestly had no idea how Minseok had managed to go away that easily. When Lu Han confessed to him only to be rejected with requited feelings in that park, their graduation and college exams were coming up. That meant senior students were allowed to skip school to study as long as their parents let the school know. Minseok had used it for his advantage; Lu Han never saw him at school again. His parents liked Lu Han, but he was able to get no information from them because Minseok had strictly told them not to let Lu Han see him. He didn’t turn up to graduation ceremony either; which Lu Han had anticipated, because Minseok hated graduations and was originally going to come just for Lu Han. But of course, Lu Han didn’t expect him to do something that would let him see once again. The thing with their friendship was that they both had always been way too stubborn for their own good.
Lu Han hadn’t accepted it though, he still didn’t. Since then, he looked for other ways to get news from him. But Lu Han probably would be a terrible detective, since he continuously kept failing and failing.
Instead giving up on searching, he vowed to find his ‘baozi’ someday. Because what Lu Han felt wasn’t a simple teenage crush, and he was going to slap that in Minseok’s face.
(…)
Lu Han never gave up on him, but he never thought Minseok was wrong either.
Oh Sehun was one of Lu Han’s best friends. Sometimes even the best. He was the first real friend he got after his best friend left him in that park. Lu Han had always been friendly and social, Minseok wasn’t his only friend just like he wasn’t Minseok’s only friend either; but he was pretty shaken after the Korean left him, especially while he responded Lu Han’s feelings. He had kept talking to people, sometimes hanging out with them too; but he felt like there was a distance. Four years were a long term for a teenager, and caused their friendship to go beyond family bounds; no one could expect Lu Han to replace that easily.
It was his first year of college; but he wasn’t a freshman yet - his college required him to be a preparatory student first. That meant all his classes were English language, and he had time to take dance classes for hobby. However, that day he had been into his extra practice so deep that he was about to miss his English class; and this was no good because his scholarship wasn’t happy with irregular attendance. He had every right to be panicked while running towards the campus, and bumping into a pole wasn’t a happy accident.
Well, at least he thought it was a pole at first. The guy was so tall, and he walked so slowly that Lu Han’s mind couldn’t comprehend his movements with that adrenaline. Unfortunately, the po- guy had a cup of bubble tea in his hand, and Lu Han had caused him to drop it. Right onto his already fallen books.
Lu Han cursed out loud when he saw his English text books drenched in cold tea, but it was nothing compared to the horror once his eyes met with the guy’s.
They were the eyes of death.
“Oh… Uhm… I’m sorry.” Lu Han was a confident person and the guy absolutely seemed younger than him; but the glare was so psychotic that the shorter male found himself stuttering and bowing repeatedly.
While practicing how close his face could get to the ground, he felt a hand grabbing his arm tightly. Actually, ‘tight’ was an understatement; Lu Han was literally praying to God to be able to use his arm again - and for your information, Lu Han was an atheist.
“Buy me new bubble tea,” the guy demanded with a tone that matched his eyes.
“Couldn’t you wait… about… two tiny little hours?” Lu Han asked sheepishly. “I am already late to the class and I have a scholarship-”
“Now.” Turns out, he could get more psychotic.
Despite the threatening first impression, Sehun was actually a happy guy who laughed easily and was fun to hang out with - as long as you don’t touch his preciousss, or with a more common name, bubble tea. After Lu Han got him his bubble tea, he practically evolved; and the now-blonde Chinese boy found himself having fun and a good laugh with Sehun in the two hours where he was supposed to be at class.
Age different was huge; Sehun was only a freshman at high school when Lu Han met him. But that was no obstacle for them to become an inseparable duo which was going to become a larger group later. It could be that Lu Han was too immature or Sehun was too mature for his age; but Lu Han defended the second option, saying that he is the youngest of their group and got along with all of them.
But even that close friend wasn’t completely okay with it when he learned about Lu Han’s undying love about another man.
“I’m not actually gay,” Lu Han explained. They were at a bubble tea shop; bubble tea themed meetings were their tradition since they first met six years ago. “I still like girls physically and I don’t have an interest for another guy… It’s like I’m gay only for him.”
But the shocked - and slightly judging, Lu Han noted- look in Sehun’s eyes wouldn’t change as he remained speechless.
“Come on, Sehun,” Lu Han begged as his heart started beating rapidly as panic was diffused in his body. He valued his friends over anything; he couldn’t bear even with the possibility of losing one.
Sehun’s body remained frozen until he finally managed mumbling “Sorry, Lu Han” and got up to get out of the café.
Leaving his bubble tea on the table.
Betrayal hurt too much that Lu Han could bet there was a knife in his chest if his hand didn’t testify otherwise while it was pressed against his body.
Thankfully, Sehun texted him the next day, apologizing and asking him to call back. Lu Han complied, and was relieved when Sehun said he could get okay with his semi-homosexuality.
“If you were someone else, I’d run away without looking back,” Sehun said. “But you have done so much for me so far that I just can’t be that thankless, leaving you behind while you just told me you have a quenchless pain - especially before anyone else knew it.” He sighed. “For someone else, I wouldn’t make this call - but you are not someone else, neither are the other crazy bastards we call friends. You are worth to be an exception, Lu Han. Just try not to remind it too often… nor get fooled by my incredibly sexy looks,” he joked.
“Jongdae, is that you?” Lu Han replied with a joke as well, and all the serious atmosphere between them was vanished.
Lu Han was happy that he hadn’t lost Sehun, but that day, he understood what Minseok meant very well.
(…)
Zhang Yixing, or as known as Lay on the stage, was another best friend of Lu Han’s. He tended to get distracted easily and Lu Han saw it as another sign of his high intelligence - but of course, he respected the code of best-friendship and mocked him for that instead of doing such a ridiculous thing as praising him.
Yixing had all skills to become an idol, but he refused to become a doll of entertainment companies; he was too fond of his freedom to do so. Instead, he became a backstage dancer; he got to do what he loved doing as a job while he still kept his life to himself. He was famous amongst music companies and idols, that was for sure; but fans never cared about ‘backstagers’, therefore there was no need for him to have tighter schedules more than just concerts or a perfect personality that he would only pretend to have.
He had also studied math at college with a professional degree, just in case something unfortunate would happen and his dancing career would vanish. He was a genius when it came to math and he liked it too, so it was cool to have it as a back-up plan. An analytic geometry class was where he met Lu Han; they didn’t share the class but Lu Han was looking for the professor, and they had a quite nice chat while waiting. To be honest, it was so nice that only thing they kept spotting every second was more things in common - he being only Chinese Lu Han since the Lu family came the Korea was only one of them. Besides, for Yixing, meeting a fellow dancer other than Jongin was what meeting a fellow Chinese was to Lu Han; and it wasn’t unexpected that the day ended in dance studio for both of them.
Of course, after freaking Sehun out, Lu Han wasn’t planning on telling anyone else about Minseok. But this time, he was forced to; and Lu Han wasn’t having his strongest moments when Yixing ran across his pathetic figure.
Lu Han wasn’t always so confident about getting his ‘baozi’ back. During seven years, indeed he sometimes was about to break down, one breath away from giving up, suffocating under the weight of his stubborn hope. He made sure no one ever witnessed his vulnerable moments, but he couldn’t foresee Yixing’s interruption during one of them.
How he was supposed to find him anyways? The thought sneaked into his mind as he dropped on the floor, his back leaning against the wall behind him. Of course, it was more than possible that Minseok could have moved to another city, or even another country; what made it even more certain was that Minseok’s dream job was an archeologist - probably most traveler job on earth. He knew no connections of Minseok, so he had nowhere to take hints either. What Lu Han was doing was nothing different than looking for a single needle amongst bunches of hay spread on the floor; he had whole word to look for while Minseok could be still moving.
If he knew Minseok was at a certain somewhere, he’d drop anything to head there instantly. But all he knew was no more than when he was eighteen, right before Minseok left him for good. He had searched all archeology departments in Korea, China and Japan - in case of a probable exchange, but universities were strict and their security systems were better than how it was shown in movies. Lu Han couldn’t even get information of whether they had a certain dumpling as a student or not. Besides, there was the fact that he could have changed his mind; archeology wasn’t the most assuring job for sure.
And after college, all he knew about Minseok was useless.
So were his endeavors on finding him.
“Lu Han.”
His head fronted to the source of the demanding voice.
“You are telling me the problem this instant. ‘No’, ‘Nevermind’, ‘let it be’, ‘Fuck off Xing’ and any variations aren’t taken as an answer.”
This was how Yixing was; always straightforward and clear as a diamond arrow. He didn’t need to do all those meaningless patting or whispering sweet nothings to be there for his friends. His logic was simple: ‘you are my friend, and I’ll be there for you, actually helping you.’ Yixing’s advices were always logical too; after all, consolations would make people actually believe they were miserable. So you wouldn’t talk to him about emotions, you’d come to him for solutions.
He didn’t have to always find the solutions, of course. “You are too deep in the dark,” Yixing commented after cautiously listening to Lu Han. “How the hell are you gonna look around yourself without any light?”
“If there was any way to get information, I would Yixing,” Lu Han deadpanned. But then he raised his head with realization. “Wait, then you’re okay with it?”
“Okay with what?”
“You know… About me… loving…”
“This guy?”
“Yep. That.”
Yixing shrugged. “Why would I?”
“Because… I am a guy too.”
“Yeah, I noticed. About five years ago, to be exact.”
“Ha. Ha.” Lu Han sent him a glare. “Very funny.”
“Look, I care about the amount of flour grains in a sack more than how much I care about who you love… Unless whoever you love is a trouble, of course.” Straight logic stroke again. “Besides, I have another friend who loves another guy too; and what kind of logic that would be if I still had him as a close friend and leave you on the floor like… this?” Yixing pointed at Lu Han’s position.
Lu Han was interested. “Really? Who is that?”
But his question was left without a respond as Yixing dazed off.
Lu Han smacked his friend’s shoulder. “Yixing!”
“Oh, sorry, I was just thinking… The story that friend of mine told was similar to yours. Coincidence? I don’t believe in those. I was trying to remember the details, maybe it would help you.”
Lu Han was more eager than interested now.
“Have you ever met Jongdae’s cousin?”
The blond shook his head.
“He’s the one I’m talking about. Jongdae introduced us about two years ago, and we got along really well. He’s often abroad for his job, but whenever he’s back in Korea - or sometimes, when we are in the same other country, we make sure we hang out. Other times, we’re using internet and sorts.”
“What’s his job?” Lu Han asked curiously. If Minseok had become an archeologist, then he’d be abroad often, right? Plus, there aren’t too many Korean archeologists; it would be too much for some coincidence.
Yixing opened his mouth, but then closed it again with a shameful manner. He bowed his head and looked at Lu Han innocently behind his eyelashes.
Lu Han narrowed his eyes. “You forgot, didn’t you?”
“But it’s not the important part, I promise! Anyways, he eventually trusted me enough much to tell about this. He received a confession from his best friend back at high school, according to what he told, and he left him there. He loved, actually, still loves him; but he was scared of the reactions, now he regrets it though… And it was in a park, too. Too much similarity, don’t you think?”
Lu Han’s usual energy was back once again as his eyes went wider with the excitement and the revived hope. “What’s his name?” But all was shattered once again when he got his reply.
“Xiu Min.”
(…)
Lu Han didn’t remember the exact date of that day. But he was glad, the last thing he needed was a day completely presenting and reminding him of his misery and Minseok; as if he could ever forget.
“SURPRISE!”
He jumped with shock when the lights were suddenly turned on and revealed six overly-excited faces.
“Happy birthday!” Chanyeol, or as known as ‘Giantyeol’ in their group of friends approached and pulled Lu Han into an embrace while the latter tried to comprehend his surroundings.
“What- Huh-” Lu Han had few seconds of confusion before he facepalmed. “Right. My birthday. I completely forgot.”
“How the hell can you forget your own birthday?” Jongdae rolled his eyes as his finger went towards a cake’s frosting, but it was slapped by Tao instantly.
“Don’t blabber ‘I am busy’ nonsense, Lu Han, we know all you do in that lab is sleeping.” Jongin grinned as he grabbed Lu Han’s wrist and pulled him into the living room. “You are just that stupid. And guess what Tao brought?”
Lu Han’s curious eyes rested on his muscular citizen, who kept grinning mischievously. When he understood Tao wasn’t going to blurt it out by himself, he gave in. “What?”
“You’re gonna have to guess,” Sehun protested. “That’s the fun part.”
“Clue: it’s something to drink,” Jongdae helped.
“Does it involve alcohol?” Lu Han asked suspiciously.
“Yep,” Tao confirmed.
Lu Han didn’t always drink, but of course, he was an adult and there were occasions. Like his own birthday. He started sorting his favorite drinks. “Vodka? Sake? Tequila?”
“I’ll give you another hint,” Yixing interrupted. “Look around.”
Lu Han was too busy examining his friends’ faces since he entered his apartment that he couldn’t have a chance to look around. But as his eyes moved around the room, he understood why Tao had a cool eye patch - he didn’t understand why he didn’t though. But he was still amazed. Excited. Happy like a child. Whatever you name it.
There was a stuffed parrot on his LED television while an anchor was hung above an armchair. A rope surrounded his living room along with some fake -at least he hoped it was fake- seaweed. There stood a fake skeleton sitting on a chair with red-white striped bandana, an eye patch and a blue-white striped t-shirt. A black flag with a skull and swords on it stood above his head, but he was too busy wondering where in tarnation his little folk found a real rudder. His wooden-patterned wallpaper helped the decoration a lot; someone had dirtied it in such a way that it actually gave the impression of a ship. And lastly, there hung a long, worn-out-on-purpose fabric which said ‘Merry Day o’Birth, Capt’n Lu Han!’ with black dye.
If there wasn’t his manly man pride, he would have squealed about ten times so far. His fanaticism for pirates was no secret, and his friends seemed content with his easily-read excitement. “A pirate theme? Are you kidding me?”
“Ye haf’ta be talkin’ t’pirate tongue, matey.” Tao warned playfully as he took out a bottle of rum.
Sehun placed a pirate hat on Lu Han’s head. “And ye be th’ capt’n.” He blinked. “Fer now.”
“Arr, yarr want t’be sent off th’ plank?” Lu Han poked the youngest with a plastic sword beside the fake golden chest.
Sehun laughed at Lu Han’s terrible pirate accent as he took another one - not that any of them really nailed that accent though. “Bring it on, matey.”
“Capt’n, be blowin’ th’ burnin’ sticks first…” Chanyeol pointed at the candles on the cake that Jongin just lit. “And make a wish!”
Jongdae rolled his eyes at Chanyeol’s terrible attempt to talk in pirate. “I think pirates knew about candles and conjugations, Yeol.”
“Pirate tongue! Yarr haf’ta be talkin’ in th’ pirate tongue!” Chanyeol protested energetically. “Capt’n, mate not be speakin’ in pirate! He be a traitor!”
“T’ Davy Jones with him!” Lu Han laughed whole heartedly as he headed towards the cake, surrounded by his favorite people on Earth - except for one. The gang started singing the traditional song of birthdays, but they sang the words they wrote on the fabric instead of the original one with their most-certainly-awful fake accents.
Lu Han smiled, remembering the origin of his pirate addiction. It all started when Minseok brought pirate movies for one of their traditional movie nights. By the end of the night, the duo was talking weirdly as if they were really pirates, and kept doing it during whole week; frustrating their teachers, friends and family to death with their trolling.
‘Let me find you, baozi,” he wished for the seventh time as he blew the candles. He didn’t really believe in birthday wishes, but he was so hopeless than he could throw away all his beliefs just to find him.
(…)
There are Seven Wonders of the World. Seven books in Harry Potter series. Vongola Family had seven guardians. Lu Han’s friend group consisted of seven dorks. Maybe seven birthday wishes were what it took.
A week later than his probably-the-most-awesome-birthday-party-in-his-life-so-far, he woke up to his door being knocked its poor hinges out. Lu Han groaned as he lazily got out of the bed, cursing whatever caused this rush on his door, and of course, the one on his door too.
“Coming,” he growled after checking his alarm clock. Nearly 10 AM. Didn’t every individual on Earth know that it was illegal to wake Lu Han up before 12 PM on Sundays?
He stumbled on his way to the door more than a few times, but who could blame his sleepy head? Whoever it was on the door deserved to wait, because Lu Han was waken up and this was worse than possibility of anyone’s death.
But when he opened the door, every bit of his spoiled thoughts disappeared along with his sleep. With wide eyes, he examined the man on the door who was panting heavily.
He wore white sport shoes under a tight dark jean that coated his perfectly shaped legs and thighs. A string of chain swung on his left thigh, moving with every hard breath he took. He wore a Nirvana t-shirt under a black hoodie that was gray inside, and there was a black string seen under his collar - the pendant was hidden under the t-shirt, but Lu Han knew what was hung on the tip. The blond looked at the Adam’s apple longingly before he finally stopped on his red and sweaty, just a little chubby face that slightly conflicted with his fat-free body.
The face he wished to see every minute of the day and night.
The face he longed for years.
The face he couldn’t bear with even the sight of steamed buns because of.
His eyes focused on big, brown eyes across him.
“Lu Han.” Minseok whispered.
“Baozi…” Lu Han didn’t know why he whispered as well, nor did he know the reason why his nickname came before his actual name. He didn’t know what was he doing after whole seven years or how did he find him, and he didn’t know why he felt like fainting. He didn’t know why all his thoughts became cheesy and girly while he thought he’d act coldblooded and manly once he found him. One thing he knew that this was real since Minseok didn’t show up even in his dreams.
And fuck, he missed him.
“I- I don’t know why I did, but I ran all the way here from Coffee LEC…” Minseok tried to explain. “I just… couldn’t wait any longer.”
“Yeah, I can see that,” Lu Han’s voice was more blank than Applebloom’s flank.
“Lu Han…” Minseok inhaled one last time to sort out his breath. “For years, I hoped I’d see you again… Because there is something I need to say.”
Lu Han blinked his eyes once, keeping the blank expression plastered on his face. But inside, there were tornados throwing his heath back and forth in his rib cage harshly. Possibilities of what was he going to say filled in his mind, but Lu Han only took the worst ones; everything could be possible but he was sick of hoping. Maybe Minseok was going to ask if Lu Han got over him, expecting a positive answer to say ‘I told you so’. But if this was what the humanized steamed bun planned, he was so very wrong; because Lu Han had done anything but getting over him during the last seven years.
“I am a fucking idiot.”
Lu Han blinked his eyes again.
“That’s what I wanted to say. I am. A. Fucking. Idiot. I thought it was the best for both of us to leave you, and time would erase every feeling… But, I was being an idiot. You were right, I was wrong; time isn’t as talented as everyone thinks. I still love you, Lu Han. I don’t care if whole universe is homophobic, I already realized even staying in secret is better than being far from you.”
Lu Han thought he saw tears forming in the elder’s eyes, but even if they were real, Minseok blinked them away.
“It’s been years, I know, and you probably don’t even love me anymore, maybe hate me, but I can’t give up without trying.” The slightly chubby boy gulped. “I love you, Lu Han. Please accept my feelings.”
Lu Han’s senses finally responded as his brain recognized the situation.
Minseok, Minseok was standing on his door.
He was looking straight into his eyes.
He said he loved Lu Han more than once, after all these years, to be noted.
And he said he regrets his decision of leaving seven years ago.
THUD.
Minseok looked at Lu Han with wide eyes after his body hit the ground. His head had also knocked on the floor, satisfying the Chinese more. It was good to see the concrete approved the punch he threw in Minseok’s stomach.
“YOU IDIOT!” Lu Han screamed before kneeling down, just to keep punching Minseok. He felt terribly mad; it was no surprise he started cursing again. “Do you have a fucking idea how long I’ve been looking for you? Trying to find your stupid sexy sorry ass? Seven goddamn years, Minseok, and I never gave up. Never gave up asking for you, never gave up loving you. I was going to prove you that time is nothing more than an incompetent bitch, then someday you came out of nowhere, standing on my poor door, telling you were as miserable as I have been?”
Minseok grabbed Lu Han’s wrists. “Lu Han…”
“If we were both miserable, why the hell you kept on… on… doing this? Just what kind of person you are, making such a stupid decision all by yourself just to hurt you and me both?”
Minseok lowered his eyes.
“You know what, I hate you, you idiot. You don’t deserve me and I should just kick your ass of this instant.”
“I know,” Minseok mumbled sadly.
Lu Han examined the shorter male’s facial features once again, taking in everything he loved and missed… practically every single detail. He exhaled, silently cursing how Minseok still kept his perfection; with his perfectly rounded cheek that was not exactly fat but still visible, his perfectly rounded eyes, his perfect hair that would look perfect no matter what shape it’s in. Of course, there were a few changes; like how his hair style changed or how his cheeks went a bit thinner. But still, he only looked even more perfect; Lu Han refused to believe existence of any other word to describe Minseok.
He lunged forward and embraced the guy he loved dearly. “You don’t deserve me. But I deserve you. I waited for so long that I have all rights to keep you beside me as long as I want.”
He felt Minseok’s arms wrap around his body. “Yes,” the Korean confirmed. “You do.”
(…)
“How did you find where I live anyways?” Lu Han asked curiously, sending a short look to the guy lying on his bed. Lu Han hated people touching his bed, or even entering his room for the fact; but he refused to allow Minseok get out of his sight.
“Yixing and Jongdae were talking about a birthday party they prepared last week, and I heard your name. Considering you have such a unique name, I didn’t give a chance to probability of coincidence.”
“Wait… Yixing and Jongdae?” Lu Han’s voice was full of disbelief, much to himself though. “How do you know them?”
“I know Jongdae since the day he was born - literally, since he is my cousin, and he’s younger than me, you know. And Yixing’s is main backstage dancer for a singer whose manager is Jongdae, so…”
All Lu Han could do was blinking his eyes as he registered the information. Yixing… Jongdae… Cousin…
“Who is Xiu Min?” He asked blankly.
“Where did you hear that from? It’s my Chinese nickname, a girl had gave me this name when I was in China. Yixing keeps forgetting my name, and it’s easier for him to remember a name in his own language; so I told him he could call me Xiu Min instead.”
I could have found him one year ago… Or five years, since he was Jongdae’s cousin. He always had a connection to Minseok right in the middle of his life, and he didn’t. Even. Know that.
Lu Han silently turned on his heels, walking towards the wall across him without saying anything nor with any expression. Before Minseok’s confused eyes, he placed his hands on the wall, and suddenly, he started banging his head against it rapidly. “STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!”