(no subject)
was cleaning out my wallet today and found the first ring brian gave me and a picture of us at kristen's graduation. without even thinking about it, i slipped the ring on my finger and looked at my hand. i havn't worn it in almost two months but it still looks like it was meant to be there. i took it off quickly and now my hands look naked and wrong. i can still sort of see the indent from my garnet ring on my left hand.
fuck. i'm just fine, totally normal and happy when i'm not around him or thinking of him. matt is an amazing guy and with all the baggage i'm lugging around i'm very lucky to have found a guy who's so patient and understanding about my past. when i'm with matt i feel like i can be totally me. weird, neurotic or quiet without worrying (too much) about how he'll see me. i could never really let my guard down all the way with brian and only a few other close friends.
i know that he was not good for me, my life was constricted and defined by him and his moods. i never saw my friends or family, never got to do what i wanted to do or really have fun. we never laughed together. i know that i needed to experience more of life, to expand my horizons and be independent. i know that i was more in love with our ideal selves and the life i wanted us to lead than i was in love with him as a person.
but when i'm alone with him, there's that part of me that sees him and wants him and hurts that he's not who i want him to be. when we're alone together he's charming and caring snd hurting as badly as i am and so damned attractive. i could smell him and touch him and kiss him if i would just take the few steps that separated us. we promise each other that we'd change and be better partners and everything would be different this time. part of me wants to believe that so much and throw myself in his arms and forget everything else. but the rest of me remembers the horrible nights of screaming and throwing things and spitting and broken doors. the night i waited up for him in fear, the months that he wouldn't tell me he loved me because he didn't know if he really did anymore.
he was just such a huge part of my life for so long. maybe some day we could be just friends and have a good time together. but i doubt it. as much as i hate to say it, he is my standard for what a "man" is now. when i look into those bluegrey eyes i'm taken back to the first night we met, the warehouse party, losing my virginity, christmas with his family, camping last spring, hitting dave on the front porch, aaron's funeral, woodburn, breaking up. i just start swirling around in our history until i feel like i'm going to drown in everything that has happened between us.
fuck.
fuck. i'm just fine, totally normal and happy when i'm not around him or thinking of him. matt is an amazing guy and with all the baggage i'm lugging around i'm very lucky to have found a guy who's so patient and understanding about my past. when i'm with matt i feel like i can be totally me. weird, neurotic or quiet without worrying (too much) about how he'll see me. i could never really let my guard down all the way with brian and only a few other close friends.
i know that he was not good for me, my life was constricted and defined by him and his moods. i never saw my friends or family, never got to do what i wanted to do or really have fun. we never laughed together. i know that i needed to experience more of life, to expand my horizons and be independent. i know that i was more in love with our ideal selves and the life i wanted us to lead than i was in love with him as a person.
but when i'm alone with him, there's that part of me that sees him and wants him and hurts that he's not who i want him to be. when we're alone together he's charming and caring snd hurting as badly as i am and so damned attractive. i could smell him and touch him and kiss him if i would just take the few steps that separated us. we promise each other that we'd change and be better partners and everything would be different this time. part of me wants to believe that so much and throw myself in his arms and forget everything else. but the rest of me remembers the horrible nights of screaming and throwing things and spitting and broken doors. the night i waited up for him in fear, the months that he wouldn't tell me he loved me because he didn't know if he really did anymore.
he was just such a huge part of my life for so long. maybe some day we could be just friends and have a good time together. but i doubt it. as much as i hate to say it, he is my standard for what a "man" is now. when i look into those bluegrey eyes i'm taken back to the first night we met, the warehouse party, losing my virginity, christmas with his family, camping last spring, hitting dave on the front porch, aaron's funeral, woodburn, breaking up. i just start swirling around in our history until i feel like i'm going to drown in everything that has happened between us.
fuck.