Zombie Apocalypse Advisory.
I've just watched the new Red vs. Blue - and they explain the premise behind zombie plans. That is to say the plan you have for surviving the inevitable zombie apocalypse that will grip most of if not all of the world within our lifetimes.
Unless, you're like - 97. Then uhh... unless that pisshead walking past the office right now is actually a member of the undead legions, I doubt you'll see 'em. Not to say you're going to die, but ... I have no second half for this sentance, sorry.
My point is, I have had a zombie plan for years now; recently modified and discussed at length on a trip to Portsmouth to help fix up Oleg's garden. (Or rather buy meat and beer whilst student scum fixes Oleg's garden.) My current zombie plan is to hole up in a B&Q Hardware Store. Assuming I'm alive after the initial outbreak and depending on where I am, I'm heading to either B&Q, Homebase or Staples. It is for this reason alone I keep going to Portsmouth - the B&Q there has the most effective zombie-disposal equipment and I'd hate to be in Selhurst and caught out with only a box of 2B pencils and a set square for protection.
Now obviously when coming up with a zombie plan, there are things you must consider - in particular what sort of zombies you are up against. There are two main breeds, one far more dangerous than the other and they are as follows:
• Science Zombies: These zombies are created by a secret govenment experiment to do something evil gone horribly wrong. There are two sub-species of science zombies: infected and altered. Infected science zombies have a virus running their decomposing frame, which translates as one bite that draws blood will mean you become one of the staggering thousands. Generally one small break of the skin can be remedied by immediately cauterising the wound, but a decent chomp (even if you're already dead) and you're going to turn. Sorry. Altered science zombies on the other hand aren't infected with anything; they're generally the result of failed trials in a supersoldier test or something, and are run by chemically altered internal workings; this of course means you won't turn in to one without some serious surgery taking place, but they're often a lot more resilient to wounds and blood loss. They're also fucking strong. The advantage of altered science zombies is they are of a fixed number, so if you're lucky your band of plucky survivors can rid the Earth of them; though as with all science zombie outbreaks, there's a very real possibility the government will come by later and kill your face off for knowing too much. The most important thing you must remember about science zombies is they need a brain in order to ambulate. Lop the head off or crush the cranium and you've got one less zombie to worry about. Just don't forget to burn the bodies of infected science zombies, you wouldn't want to get any of that blood in your mouth, eye, inner ear, nasal passage, genitals or any open wounds.
Now on to the second, far more dangerous, category of zombies.
• Voodoo Zombies: Oh shit. You're screwed. You may have read articles on voodoo zombies being created and wandering around fairly harmlessly only doing the bidding of their master after a cocktail of drugs have been administered by a voodoo priest. This is bollocks. Voodoo zombies are brainless, shambling corpses brought back sans soul from the cusp of oblivion by a skilled necromancer. If the creator of the curse is killed by one of his/her own zombies or killed at all for that matter it means nothing; you've still got hordes to deal with. Like infected science zombies, these mother fuckers have a bite-and-join policy going on legion membership, but unlike science zombies the wound can not be treated and there is no hope of an antidote - this is because there's no damned virus. The bite is purely symbolic, to mark your soul for removal by the powers that be and leave your body on autopilot while your consciousness is trapped behind rotting flesh watching the body it once controlled mutilate and destroy what is left of humanity. Once you're bitten, all you can do is kill yourself. This will kill you in the regular, natural way and the curse can no longer take effect. I repeat: corpses cannot be reanimated by existing voodoo zombies, only a necromancer can do that. Bite-to-zombification time for the living varies from person to person: it's not clear why but due to the symbolic nature of the process it's widely thought to be down to your level of grim determination and hutzpah. This is a shame as the weakest people who will take the most convincing to off themselves will turn the fastest - so in this sort of situation, picking up survivors is not an option and you have to be ready to kill any fucking pussies you may have been hanging out with on the day. Remember these voodoo bastards can sense the living and hunt them out, so messing up your hair and staggering around moaning with your eyes rolled back in your skull isn't going to fool them; this soul detection ability is probably the second most dangerous thing about voodoo zombies, so be careful. The most dangerous thing about voodoo zombies is this: you can't kill the fuckers. They never, ever die. Ever. Chop all their limbs off and each induvidual one will chase you and attempt to bite. For this reason it's important to be wary of any severed heads lying around. The only way you can 'defeat' a voodoo zombie is to render it incapable of attack. Cutting it's head off at the jaw will leave it unable to bite and slicing all it's limbs off will stop it from killing you by tearing at your face or pulling your intestines out through your stomach or something. Burning the bastards should also strip them of muscle tissue and despite what movies may tell you, zombies can not break the laws of physics and float their bones about the place. That's retarded.
• Fast Zombies/Zombies that can Run and Shoot Guns: Right - I thought I'd just like to emphasise this now. These kind of zombies do not exist, they are a myth. I have no idea what sick bastard would make a joke out of something like zombies, but that's exactly what they are. If your zombie plan includes a plan for zombies running at you, out-flanking you or shooting at you, then you've wasted valuable thinking time. It just doesn't happen.
-*-
So you've identified your enemy. You've seen one get brained and noted whether it has died or not and you've noted how strong the things are or you've seen someone turn from an infection or with a scabbed-over bite mark that hasn't turned them. Now you have to think about what you're going to do from here. You need food, a goal and a plan. In terms of food what you're going to need most is a tin opener. Tins can be boiled and sterilised on the outside, then opened to reveal edible foodstuffs.
Your goal should be sensible and achievable. Listen to radio transmissions and regularly check to see if any television stations are broadcasting through the smoking ruins of your once proud civilisation to find out if there are any safe havens. Failing this govenment rescue may be an option, but is unlikely as you'd most likely be seen as a health risk or a serious PR blooper and be put down like a bitch. Try to establish the extent of the outbreak - is this worldwide? Is it limited to an area you can get out of? If so is there a perimeter defence you have to sneak past? Assuming this also, be imaginative getting past - get a message to the press and explain there are survivors. Hole up, sit tight (a lot easier than most films make out) and campaign - ridiculous as it sounds, you will have to make your case heard to avoid irradication. Is the outbreak worldwide? Then go somewhere zombies can't get to that wasn't affected by the initial infection/escape/curse. Mountain villages, the South Pole, the North Pole, hell - the top of Canary Wharf if you feel to. Bear in mind that worldwide zombie outbreaks make cities some of the most dangerous places on the planet - with no one around to make sure things don't blow up, fall over or flood you're suddenly in a veritable trap town.
So you've got food and a goal - now you need a plan to make it all happen and keep yourself alive. You need to know how to fight the bastards if you need be and how to avoid them altogether. Zombies are above all else stupid. As previously discussed, real-life zombies can not run, operate firearms or play 'La Cucuracha' on the banjo. Even those who can sense the living will only meander aimlessly in the direction their instinct takes them. If there's a roaring fire between you and them they will stumble right in to it. They will fall down holes, they will walk in to spikes and they will step straight in to bear traps painted bright red and marked 'Bear Trap'. They are useless at everything which is why no government has ever raised a zombie army to fight for them. It's because they are crap. If fact they only really present a danger when they have the strength of number. It's because of this awesome stupidity that if you pretend to be a zombie around science zombies, well firstly - you have the biggest balls since my last case of elephantisis, but secondly they will almost always mistake you for another zombie and groan on by. Zombies can be easily tricked and avoided, so wherever possible avoid them. Yes, you can technically go on a guilt-free killing spree but you're most likely going to end up slowly yet patiently dismembered. Do be aware that while zombies seldom successfully climb stairs, many are able to vaguely drag themselves over low walls and fences. If a zombie falls over they are suprisingly good at standing back up again, medical science is as yet to understand why.
But should you actually have to combat zombies in the mort know that zombie flesh is very soft and their bones are brittle - a decently forceful hit to the neck with a shovel can carry the head clean off. They don't have to fall from particularly high (perhaps thirty feet) to split open substantially when they hit the floor. Garden tools, construction equipment and long blunt instruments become as effective as any traditional weaponry bar explosives when fighting the undead. There is also something about zombies that makes them naturally flammable, I'm not implying that rubbing two zombies together will get them ignited, but they don't need much help to really flare up once they are. A bottle of vodka, a splash of petrol is all that's really needed to engulf a whole swarm of the buggers. If you're on high ground and have three hundred of them clamouring round the base of whatever it is you're standing on, pop open the tank on your chainsaw and get a barbecue going, it's easier that you think.
Being surrounded by animated corpses can be stressful; it's doubly hard if you're in your home town, because in all likelihood you're going to see someone you know. Or at least recognise. It's important to stay strong at this time because once zombified, even that first sweet-sixteen girlfriend whose timid approach to life melted your icy heart will bite your cock clean off and choke it up all over your face if you give her the chance. Even survivors are a liability if you're up against infected or voodoo zombies.
If you can't verify a fellow human's health then they can do it on their own. Even the hysterical crying woman is probably crying because she's missing a chunk of thigh. Unless the survivor is prepared to strip and allow you a full inspection of their skin they can fuck off. And fuck allowing anyone else to inspect you before you inspect them! What if they turn as they're checking your most sensitive of areas and take a mouthful off the end of your cock and balls? Or gunt? No thanks.
If you really have no choice but to take a survivor, try your best to avoid an overweight survivor - the overweight are slower, eat more, can hide bites easier and are harder to dispose of once zombified.
Once you've reached your safe zone, quarantine yourself. The last thing your fellow survivors need is you walking around taking chunks out of them. Put yourself in a room, keep a weapon with you and lock the door for twenty-four hours. If everyone outside your quarantine zome gets eaten alive by the fat guy, see that mercy as your reward for honest-to-God humanitarianism. If you are now back in reguar society then congratulations, if you are simply somewhere the worldwide zombie plague sould not reach then pick the most attractive member of the opposite sex in your immediate vicinity and share your food. Seclude yourself with this person somewhere comfortable; you should not have to wait more than a few weeks for the zombie crisis to end. Another misrepresentation of Holywood is that zombie plagues can last years. This is bollocks too. Zombie plagues last a maximum of a few months, and this is in the coldest weather. The fact is eventually muscle tissue decomposes to the point it can no longer be used to move the body around - as none of the listed forms of zombie are immune to decomposition (though some science zombies are known to remain above 60% mobility for over five weeks), a given zombie outbreak will eventually sort itself out.
I hope I have given you an insight in to the reality of zombie survival and a fighting chance when the time comes. Now I must leave, as the pisshead from earlier has just stumbled in through the front door and is currently eating my line manager.
-M