(no subject)
I'm feeling really off-kilter today. I've posted here a number of times before and received such bracing support. It's been a very long time since I've felt the need to use this resource, which is ultimately (I'm sure) a positive thing. But today, not so much.
A little background info: The abuser I've posted about so frequently here is from my home town. And two years ago I moved back to my home town. I've been really good, overall. A bit lonely at times, but it felt good to come home and face a few of my fears. I left to escape my abuser and visited very infrequently to avoid him. I felt like I was taking my turf back, so to speak.
I've kept most of my old friends at a distance, because almost all of them continue to maintain friendships with my abuser and his proximity generally gives me discomfort. Over the last year or so, this person has been frequenting my place of work. Not awesome. But not unreasonable either. I work in a large entertainment store (I manage the cafe inside) and in a town this small, I see lots of people I know on a regular basis.
My abuser has never allowed me to win. Ever. He has, historically, only played nice when it suited him to do so, or only when he sensed that I was becoming more aware of how manipulative he was. Since I left him, I've always kept that in mind. There's a very small, shameful, and base part of me that would give literally anything to teach him a lesson or beat him at his own psychological game. Make him hurt like how he made me hurt. But I was never able to do that when we were in a relationship. Eventually, after I left him, I came to a place of peace about this and largely accepted that feeding my internal 'revenge-fire' was a fruitless use of my energy and emotion, and that I shouldn't allow him such importance in my life anymore. I still have these moments (usually when I feel triggered) when I am consumed with anger, but they are shorter, and fewer and further between every year.
Anyway, he's been at my work a lot. Just hanging out. And occasionally I have to speak to him, in the context of a customer/service professional interaction only. And I'm always pleasant [because that's my job] and charming [because that's my job] and all that. I don't treat him any differently than anybody else because if I do, I know he will think he is special and that has never been a good thing for this person to think, especially in regards to me. So I play it cool.
On a couple of occasions, he and his friends have come up and grabbed their drinks, and he has hung back while they exited the cafe. He usually says stuff like, 'it's nice to see you, I'd love to talk sometime' etc etc. And I smile and laugh and play along but my thesis has always been, 'I'm so busy though! Have a good day!' and then I turn around and go about my business and he leaves.
I've almost become desensitized to him and his odd prodding for attention. I just don't give it to him. I won't. I just pretend he's another foolish guy who's trying to exploit me at my job for an ego boost, and I treat him as I would treat any other creep. Whatever, right?
A frequent customer who is about my age, [let's call him 'B' for the sake of fending off confusion] ordered a drink from me last week. When I gave it to him, he told me he was working on a film project for school and that he and his classmates were looking for talented people to volunteer with on and off-camera work. And then he said that he didn't know if I was interested or so inclined, but that if I was, they were all meeting in the cafe around 2 to discuss options and stuff, and that I was welcome to join. I'm an artist, and B went to high school with me, but I never really knew him at all, and to my knowledge he had never been even a satellite around my old social circle, so I felt safe saying, 'yes, that's around the time I get off work; I'll come sit down and at least hear what the project is about.'
Woe is me.
After I clocked out, I came out from behind the counter, and started walking toward the exit. I scanned crowded cafe for B, and when my eyes landed on him, they also landed on my fucking abuser. Seriously. He was just sitting with B's group, drawing or something. I don't know. B hadn't seen me yet and I beelined (casually) for the door, hoping to just get out and avoid my abuser's forced company and/or an awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation with B. I HATE talking with people who know both of us about why I stay away from him. It's nobody's business and most people don't understand at all. And I just don't have the energy. But B, of course, saw me. And said, 'Oh good! You're off! Come sit down,' and I didn't know what else to do, so I sat down. My abuser [let's call him 'J'] largely ignored me and I played it cool as well. The project was interesting, at least, but I didn't like the idea of interacting with him.
At one point, I got antsy and stepped outside to breathe and to smoke and kind of clear my head. And J followed me outside, of course. He asked politely if he could sit with me, and I saw no other option than to consent. Stupid. I'm so stupid.
He said something to me like, 'You have never bought any of my apologies over the years and I don't blame you. However, I know how talented you are, and I know you'd make good contributions to this project. I hope you consider helping out with it, but I know you probably won't. That's ok.'
And because I know him well, but apparently not well enough, I said that I was planning to help out. Because I know that I can't allow him to faze me. Ever. Everything gets weird if he realizes he affects me. He starts trying to yank wires around and mess with me whenever he feels like he can. So I played like a robot and committed to involving myself in something he is doing, just to prove, foolishly, that I didn't care anymore. Which I do.
And I've had to be around him, socially, a total of 4 times since. And I hate it. And I've already noticed him subtly prodding me. Trying to see what makes me squirm, so to speak. I haven't exactly let on that I've got his number, because even that is like gasoline on the fire, potentially. But he steps up his game every single time I have to be around him, and I'm not liking this. This is a man who at one point habitually broke into my house. Who, two years ago, was still sitting outside my house at night in his car. Who played my fears like a violin.
I've gotten so sick of being afraid of him that I'm not anymore. What is he going to do to me that he hasn't already done? Why should I be afraid of a sad little boy who has no happiness in the world save for the fleeting thrill of screwing with other people's heads and winning their momentary admiration? Inside, I've been bent on taking back my mind and my life, and this has DEFINITELY included not allowing him to inspire any fear in me. But I'm definitely not un-afraid, if that makes sense. I'm wary as hell and I am not sure how to deal with the whole situation. Because I know him, and one careless move on my part has potentially devastating consequences.
I spend a lot of my free time reading. I'll read anything. I have always enjoyed learning, but especially since escaping my relationship with my abuser, acquiring knowledge has become one of the most important things in my life. The only problem with that is that occasionally I unwittingly stumble across something upsetting or discover something nasty hidden when overturning rocks the way I do.
Last night, I happened to read a fair amount of information about NPD and it was...uncanny. To say the least. I'm not a psychiatrist and I know I'm not qualified to diagnose anybody. I don't presume to. That said, what I read hit me like a ton of bricks because it was like reading a road map of my abuser's head. At least, from my limited perspective.
No matter how much distance I gave it, he always bothered me. Because I could never really understand him. Since I got away from him, I've met other abusers and gifted manipulators, but nobody, NOBODY like him. Everyone always had a weak spot I could find, but not him. He's always occupied a separate file folder in my mind because he was more difficult to predict or categorize than other people I've met. He was more fickle than anybody I've ever known. And he never seemed to possess the capacity to see himself accurately or realistically. Sure, he emoted, but I only ever truly saw him emote about what affected him personally. And I learned over the years to notice when he was being disingenuous. Basically when he was giving me 'crocodile tears' to elicit my attention.
And he's a person, so obviously I know that not everybody can just neatly fit into a little box and all that. But he was always this weird enigma. I stopped wasting precious energy years ago trying to 'get' him, and had long conceded that I never would and didn't need to. But the question marks still hung, if that makes sense.
I have no idea how I've gone this long and not known what NPD was, basically. It's thrown me for a loop to know that there's a name for somebody who legitimately, in their mind, is always the winner. Who can be so needy, but also so cold. Whose delusions and inflated sense of self are so grand and ridiculous.
It freaked me out a little, too, though. Because I don't know how to get away from him now. I shouldn't supply him. I know that. But it's just not in my nature to be unemotional constantly. Or cold to anybody.
A little background info: The abuser I've posted about so frequently here is from my home town. And two years ago I moved back to my home town. I've been really good, overall. A bit lonely at times, but it felt good to come home and face a few of my fears. I left to escape my abuser and visited very infrequently to avoid him. I felt like I was taking my turf back, so to speak.
I've kept most of my old friends at a distance, because almost all of them continue to maintain friendships with my abuser and his proximity generally gives me discomfort. Over the last year or so, this person has been frequenting my place of work. Not awesome. But not unreasonable either. I work in a large entertainment store (I manage the cafe inside) and in a town this small, I see lots of people I know on a regular basis.
My abuser has never allowed me to win. Ever. He has, historically, only played nice when it suited him to do so, or only when he sensed that I was becoming more aware of how manipulative he was. Since I left him, I've always kept that in mind. There's a very small, shameful, and base part of me that would give literally anything to teach him a lesson or beat him at his own psychological game. Make him hurt like how he made me hurt. But I was never able to do that when we were in a relationship. Eventually, after I left him, I came to a place of peace about this and largely accepted that feeding my internal 'revenge-fire' was a fruitless use of my energy and emotion, and that I shouldn't allow him such importance in my life anymore. I still have these moments (usually when I feel triggered) when I am consumed with anger, but they are shorter, and fewer and further between every year.
Anyway, he's been at my work a lot. Just hanging out. And occasionally I have to speak to him, in the context of a customer/service professional interaction only. And I'm always pleasant [because that's my job] and charming [because that's my job] and all that. I don't treat him any differently than anybody else because if I do, I know he will think he is special and that has never been a good thing for this person to think, especially in regards to me. So I play it cool.
On a couple of occasions, he and his friends have come up and grabbed their drinks, and he has hung back while they exited the cafe. He usually says stuff like, 'it's nice to see you, I'd love to talk sometime' etc etc. And I smile and laugh and play along but my thesis has always been, 'I'm so busy though! Have a good day!' and then I turn around and go about my business and he leaves.
I've almost become desensitized to him and his odd prodding for attention. I just don't give it to him. I won't. I just pretend he's another foolish guy who's trying to exploit me at my job for an ego boost, and I treat him as I would treat any other creep. Whatever, right?
A frequent customer who is about my age, [let's call him 'B' for the sake of fending off confusion] ordered a drink from me last week. When I gave it to him, he told me he was working on a film project for school and that he and his classmates were looking for talented people to volunteer with on and off-camera work. And then he said that he didn't know if I was interested or so inclined, but that if I was, they were all meeting in the cafe around 2 to discuss options and stuff, and that I was welcome to join. I'm an artist, and B went to high school with me, but I never really knew him at all, and to my knowledge he had never been even a satellite around my old social circle, so I felt safe saying, 'yes, that's around the time I get off work; I'll come sit down and at least hear what the project is about.'
Woe is me.
After I clocked out, I came out from behind the counter, and started walking toward the exit. I scanned crowded cafe for B, and when my eyes landed on him, they also landed on my fucking abuser. Seriously. He was just sitting with B's group, drawing or something. I don't know. B hadn't seen me yet and I beelined (casually) for the door, hoping to just get out and avoid my abuser's forced company and/or an awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation with B. I HATE talking with people who know both of us about why I stay away from him. It's nobody's business and most people don't understand at all. And I just don't have the energy. But B, of course, saw me. And said, 'Oh good! You're off! Come sit down,' and I didn't know what else to do, so I sat down. My abuser [let's call him 'J'] largely ignored me and I played it cool as well. The project was interesting, at least, but I didn't like the idea of interacting with him.
At one point, I got antsy and stepped outside to breathe and to smoke and kind of clear my head. And J followed me outside, of course. He asked politely if he could sit with me, and I saw no other option than to consent. Stupid. I'm so stupid.
He said something to me like, 'You have never bought any of my apologies over the years and I don't blame you. However, I know how talented you are, and I know you'd make good contributions to this project. I hope you consider helping out with it, but I know you probably won't. That's ok.'
And because I know him well, but apparently not well enough, I said that I was planning to help out. Because I know that I can't allow him to faze me. Ever. Everything gets weird if he realizes he affects me. He starts trying to yank wires around and mess with me whenever he feels like he can. So I played like a robot and committed to involving myself in something he is doing, just to prove, foolishly, that I didn't care anymore. Which I do.
And I've had to be around him, socially, a total of 4 times since. And I hate it. And I've already noticed him subtly prodding me. Trying to see what makes me squirm, so to speak. I haven't exactly let on that I've got his number, because even that is like gasoline on the fire, potentially. But he steps up his game every single time I have to be around him, and I'm not liking this. This is a man who at one point habitually broke into my house. Who, two years ago, was still sitting outside my house at night in his car. Who played my fears like a violin.
I've gotten so sick of being afraid of him that I'm not anymore. What is he going to do to me that he hasn't already done? Why should I be afraid of a sad little boy who has no happiness in the world save for the fleeting thrill of screwing with other people's heads and winning their momentary admiration? Inside, I've been bent on taking back my mind and my life, and this has DEFINITELY included not allowing him to inspire any fear in me. But I'm definitely not un-afraid, if that makes sense. I'm wary as hell and I am not sure how to deal with the whole situation. Because I know him, and one careless move on my part has potentially devastating consequences.
I spend a lot of my free time reading. I'll read anything. I have always enjoyed learning, but especially since escaping my relationship with my abuser, acquiring knowledge has become one of the most important things in my life. The only problem with that is that occasionally I unwittingly stumble across something upsetting or discover something nasty hidden when overturning rocks the way I do.
Last night, I happened to read a fair amount of information about NPD and it was...uncanny. To say the least. I'm not a psychiatrist and I know I'm not qualified to diagnose anybody. I don't presume to. That said, what I read hit me like a ton of bricks because it was like reading a road map of my abuser's head. At least, from my limited perspective.
No matter how much distance I gave it, he always bothered me. Because I could never really understand him. Since I got away from him, I've met other abusers and gifted manipulators, but nobody, NOBODY like him. Everyone always had a weak spot I could find, but not him. He's always occupied a separate file folder in my mind because he was more difficult to predict or categorize than other people I've met. He was more fickle than anybody I've ever known. And he never seemed to possess the capacity to see himself accurately or realistically. Sure, he emoted, but I only ever truly saw him emote about what affected him personally. And I learned over the years to notice when he was being disingenuous. Basically when he was giving me 'crocodile tears' to elicit my attention.
And he's a person, so obviously I know that not everybody can just neatly fit into a little box and all that. But he was always this weird enigma. I stopped wasting precious energy years ago trying to 'get' him, and had long conceded that I never would and didn't need to. But the question marks still hung, if that makes sense.
I have no idea how I've gone this long and not known what NPD was, basically. It's thrown me for a loop to know that there's a name for somebody who legitimately, in their mind, is always the winner. Who can be so needy, but also so cold. Whose delusions and inflated sense of self are so grand and ridiculous.
It freaked me out a little, too, though. Because I don't know how to get away from him now. I shouldn't supply him. I know that. But it's just not in my nature to be unemotional constantly. Or cold to anybody.