(no subject)
I’m not sure what I was expecting or even hoping for. By all rights, I am a dead woman. My presence here is some kind of fluke that as of now has no explanation. I have no right to expect forgiveness from anyone, most especially Her Majesty, and no right to hope for a second chance.
I suppose I was trying to make amends knowing full well I could never right what I have done. There are no apologies, no groveling, no tears, no fealty that will turn back time and undo the harm that has already been accomplished. Who was I kidding? Her Majesty has been more fair to me than I deserve and yet, I don’t believe for one minute that it is because she has forgiven me. We are not in Falena anymore. She can’t simply exercise the same authority here as she can in our own country. She, like the rest of us, is making do the best she can under the circumstances. She doesn’t know the best way to deal with me anymore than I know how to accept this reality and to respond to her. Resuming my duty as a Queen’s Knight may be presumptuous but it is the only thing I can do for the time being.
Seeing Gizel again has made my confusion and doubts even worse. He is the reason I betrayed Queen Arshtat and her family. I can’t lie to myself about that. I’ve been in love with him since we were young, even when he and Sialeeds were betrothed to one another. But again. Who was I trying to fool? He would never think of me as anything but a knight. He was entirely in love with Sialeeds. She had his heart. I would never have it. And yet, I still committed myself to his and Lord Godwin’s cause.
Seeing him here, exchanging words with him, having him prod me for my loyalty and accusing me of betraying him because I tired of betraying Her Majesty, after all this time here at Budehuc, it pains me more than I can say. He is not wrong. There is something entirely wrong with me for discarding my loyalties so easily. I am never going to be absolved of my crimes simply be refusing to associate with Gizel.
Who am I kidding indeed? I will never have Arshtat’s trust or forgiveness and I will never have Gizel’s heart. Where do I truly belong in all this? I don’t know who I am anymore. And for all I despised my father for his weakness, I am finding I despise myself even more for mine.
I suppose I was trying to make amends knowing full well I could never right what I have done. There are no apologies, no groveling, no tears, no fealty that will turn back time and undo the harm that has already been accomplished. Who was I kidding? Her Majesty has been more fair to me than I deserve and yet, I don’t believe for one minute that it is because she has forgiven me. We are not in Falena anymore. She can’t simply exercise the same authority here as she can in our own country. She, like the rest of us, is making do the best she can under the circumstances. She doesn’t know the best way to deal with me anymore than I know how to accept this reality and to respond to her. Resuming my duty as a Queen’s Knight may be presumptuous but it is the only thing I can do for the time being.
Seeing Gizel again has made my confusion and doubts even worse. He is the reason I betrayed Queen Arshtat and her family. I can’t lie to myself about that. I’ve been in love with him since we were young, even when he and Sialeeds were betrothed to one another. But again. Who was I trying to fool? He would never think of me as anything but a knight. He was entirely in love with Sialeeds. She had his heart. I would never have it. And yet, I still committed myself to his and Lord Godwin’s cause.
Seeing him here, exchanging words with him, having him prod me for my loyalty and accusing me of betraying him because I tired of betraying Her Majesty, after all this time here at Budehuc, it pains me more than I can say. He is not wrong. There is something entirely wrong with me for discarding my loyalties so easily. I am never going to be absolved of my crimes simply be refusing to associate with Gizel.
Who am I kidding indeed? I will never have Arshtat’s trust or forgiveness and I will never have Gizel’s heart. Where do I truly belong in all this? I don’t know who I am anymore. And for all I despised my father for his weakness, I am finding I despise myself even more for mine.