Another Restless Night
Here it is, 2:17 AM. Why am I awake still awake when I have a full day ahead of me, just like always? I can hardly ever go to sleep these days. There is just so much to do in life and so little that I've done. Is one of the purposes of sleep to keep me humble, to remind me that my strength comes from another source, that Jesus is the vine and I am just a branch, who's primary job is to rest in the glory of what God does?
Adam slept in the Garden, but back then there wasn't any pressing work, right? Nothing like the ultimately important task of sharing the infinite love of Christ to everyone, right? So, after the Fall, did sleep also become a way for death, and evil, and Satan, and us to keep us from sharing that love every hour of the day and night?
I just want so much more time. There's so much to do. I watched an hour of a Rich Mullins concert tonight, a concert I've seen many times and want to watch again many times still. I want more of the inspiration, more of the affection for God I experience when I listen to that man. But Rich Mullins is dead today, because his earthly time ran out. My days are numbered too, so what exacatly should I do with each exact second of life until the end of this age? At that time will I have become a peer of Rich, concerning my level of obedience to God's loving ways? When I am finally standing before my Savior, and I get to look into the eyes I have imagined more than anything, will I have brought as many people as possible to share the same?
There is so much to do. I could pray for my youth all day and night (not to mention everyone else in the world). I could write them letters and prepare more and more for our meetings. I could take the time to memorize the Bible. I could read every bible commentary, and every bible language, and every snippet of Church history, and every biography of the saints, and every hymn of every hymnal. I could sing and play instruments all night to more skillfully praise the Lord. I could work on my lyrics, sermons, and literature endlessly attempting to more correctly speak as if I were speaking the very words of God. I could write letters to my future wife and future children without ceasing, to better empower my future family to do the will of God and to enjoy Him. I could exercise for hours a day to put me in better health so that I can do more in life for more years. I could sleep that I'll be more able to do these things tomorrow...
Agh! How much did Jesus sleep? Or even the first apostles? I wish I knew. And it seems to me like having to work a full-time job, besides my church job, to pay the bills is one of the biggest barriers to me doing what I think I should be doing for Christ. But it is written, "Whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God," so I know I can fulfill God's work anywhere. It seems to me like I'll be much more productive if I ever get a full-time job at the church. But even then, the time of the day will run out, evening will come, there will be more work left to do in this world that I'll be incapable of accomplishing, and the next day will not be kind to the sleepless.
Should I be this restless? Am I the mourner who will be comforted? Or am I being obsessed with my self, and swatting away Jesus' comforting hand, which would gently lay me down to rest and to sleep?
I'm going to go to sleep now. I wonder if one of the great benefits of marriage is having someone to share the bed, to encourage you to get to bed. But God is my true Wife, if I can say so without being heretical. God is my satisfaction, my desire, my intimate. I want to go to bed trusting that the God who has empowered every good thing I have ever been blessed to do, also lays me down to go to sleep- to close my eyes, to die to the day, to pass out of this world for some hours.
No more talk, no more thinking... time for sleep.
The Peace of Christ,
Jake
Adam slept in the Garden, but back then there wasn't any pressing work, right? Nothing like the ultimately important task of sharing the infinite love of Christ to everyone, right? So, after the Fall, did sleep also become a way for death, and evil, and Satan, and us to keep us from sharing that love every hour of the day and night?
I just want so much more time. There's so much to do. I watched an hour of a Rich Mullins concert tonight, a concert I've seen many times and want to watch again many times still. I want more of the inspiration, more of the affection for God I experience when I listen to that man. But Rich Mullins is dead today, because his earthly time ran out. My days are numbered too, so what exacatly should I do with each exact second of life until the end of this age? At that time will I have become a peer of Rich, concerning my level of obedience to God's loving ways? When I am finally standing before my Savior, and I get to look into the eyes I have imagined more than anything, will I have brought as many people as possible to share the same?
There is so much to do. I could pray for my youth all day and night (not to mention everyone else in the world). I could write them letters and prepare more and more for our meetings. I could take the time to memorize the Bible. I could read every bible commentary, and every bible language, and every snippet of Church history, and every biography of the saints, and every hymn of every hymnal. I could sing and play instruments all night to more skillfully praise the Lord. I could work on my lyrics, sermons, and literature endlessly attempting to more correctly speak as if I were speaking the very words of God. I could write letters to my future wife and future children without ceasing, to better empower my future family to do the will of God and to enjoy Him. I could exercise for hours a day to put me in better health so that I can do more in life for more years. I could sleep that I'll be more able to do these things tomorrow...
Agh! How much did Jesus sleep? Or even the first apostles? I wish I knew. And it seems to me like having to work a full-time job, besides my church job, to pay the bills is one of the biggest barriers to me doing what I think I should be doing for Christ. But it is written, "Whatever you do, whether you eat or drink, do it all for the glory of God," so I know I can fulfill God's work anywhere. It seems to me like I'll be much more productive if I ever get a full-time job at the church. But even then, the time of the day will run out, evening will come, there will be more work left to do in this world that I'll be incapable of accomplishing, and the next day will not be kind to the sleepless.
Should I be this restless? Am I the mourner who will be comforted? Or am I being obsessed with my self, and swatting away Jesus' comforting hand, which would gently lay me down to rest and to sleep?
I'm going to go to sleep now. I wonder if one of the great benefits of marriage is having someone to share the bed, to encourage you to get to bed. But God is my true Wife, if I can say so without being heretical. God is my satisfaction, my desire, my intimate. I want to go to bed trusting that the God who has empowered every good thing I have ever been blessed to do, also lays me down to go to sleep- to close my eyes, to die to the day, to pass out of this world for some hours.
No more talk, no more thinking... time for sleep.
The Peace of Christ,
Jake