In Over My Head
Oh boys.. the opposite sex. why did God make them so confusing?? I think he made them confusing and hard to understand so that us girls, would go to Him for advice instead of us going to them all of the time.. We do it anyways.
I have a few crushes.. and some of them seem to be crushing back... but it's so confusing. I don't know how I should be around them. I don't know if I should be my normal flirtacious self or be the emotionally conservative one. I don't want to hurt anyone.. but at the same time I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship or not.. well.. I guess I'm not ready if I'm not sure. DUH!
But anyways. I just want someone to call my own. Someone that wants to get to know the real me. someone that will love me even with all of the mistakes I've made (and are still yet to be made), all of my flaws, all of the things I want to become, I just want them to love me. and I know I should wait until God's ready, but it is so hard for me to focus on the long term success instead of thinking in the "now".
Some of the boys are Christians, and some of them aren't and it is so hard to push emotions and feelings aside especially when you know they are wrong. For some reason, a lot of people always try to prove that what they are doing is right, when they know that it is wrong and it can be done. It's called self-denial.. and I seem to have a problem with that..
I don't understand why I become so unfocused when I am single. It's like I have to have a guy in my life to keep me on track. Then all of the sudden I am single again, and then I find boys that like me or boys that I like, and they become the focus of most of my conversations with everyone else.. and that is NOT good. It has to be annoying to all of my friends.. I lknow for a fact that it is annoying to myself when I think about my bad habits. and I noticed today that I dislike people that act like me or have the same social habits.. and I think it is because I dislike that part about myself. Maybe if I just type out how I feel, then it would make more sense.. that is exactly what I think in my head. or maybe if I write the words into lyrics of a song.. that is what I did the other night when thinking about how I still feel for eric.. he is the biggest thing on my mind right now. I still love him and I feel like I always will.. no matter what he does or how much it hurts me.. I just can't stop.. I keep feeling like we are meant to be together.. and I keep thinking about how happy we were when we were together and not fighting.. he just means so much to me and now that we are talking again... all of those feelings are flooding back, its like they never left.. and I don't think they did.. and then I have all of these other guys now.. and ugh.. If I spent even half of the time I spend thinking about guys, on God... well let's just say that I would be spending more time on God.. a lot more time.. hahah...
Well... I just need some help I guess.