Feh
You would think I would be happy that we finally got the ball rolling on getting my second transplant but alas I find myself feeling quite indifferent. The nephrologist I saw today said something that kind of irked me and I don't know if I'm taking it the wrong way or what, we were in the middle of discussing how long people can survive on a transplant and he said something along the lines as "you'll never be as old as me" meaning what? I know I'll be lucky if I make it to 65 but come on. Major advances in the medical field are happening and I'm quite positive I'll be around to reap the benefits of them. I'm sure he meant it some other way, I probably phased out the rest of that statement once I fixated on that particular part. Hearing all the increased risks didn't help though, it really put a damper on things. I teared up a little even but I maintained my composure. Transplants are increasingly harder to find a match for and sustain after the first one and I found out that they will only transplant you up to five times so hopefully this second one keeps for a really long time. And since this is my second transplant they have to hit me with harder immunosuppressants because I have antibodies and because of that I will be much more suasible to skin cancer, cervix cancer, and breast cancer. Not to mention increased risk of infection and rejection. The other big bummer is that he said no more tattoos, lol, yeah that's a big bummer for me because I had at least two real important ones I wanted to get done. Scary stuff though and its really making me think about my mortality. I hate this, I fight so hard just to live another day and there's so many people out there living it up and taking life for granted. I'm never going to have a 'normal' life. You know, all I ever wanted out of life was to 'live happily ever after' and have a family of my own but how am I supposed to take care of a family when I can hardly take care of myself. I know I'm not going to feel like this forever and once I do have a new functioning kidney I will feel 100% better, its just, heaven help us if this happens again and our poor kid(s) have to worry about who will take care of them. I keep on keeping on though and this is the only time I complain, when I write in my journal. Hey, I think I have the right to... at least a little bit, lol.