choice made
Sigh.
Lately, I've been unhappy with me life. My biggest concern right now is my job. Right now, I work at Potbelly. And I dislike it. The people are cool but I make min.wage. I'm 25 and nearly finished with school and yet I'm making min wage. I know of people who aren't even done with school who have jobs in their field. I just wonder what I'm lacking. Motivation? Connections? Good fortune? And so because of this I am also consistently broke. I mean its really bad. I barely have enough for gas and food. I don't ever waste my money now on anything. I haven't bought any clothes, electronics, etc. Just food and gas and the occasion movie. So life has been very bland and boring as of late. And its wearing at me. I'm trying to look around for a new job but as of yet I've had no luck. I don't understand why I can't find work. Again, what is the X-factor that I seem to be missing? A part of me is still very bitter over me losing my job at SBUX but that bitterness will do nothing but harm if I'm not careful. I need to stick to my goals of finding better work. Plus I've fallen behind some in school and thats wearing at me. So because of these few things I've been down.
Now what really annoys me are those people who think they know whats going on with me and say something is wrong with me. That because I don't make an effort to hide my feelings and put on a mask of smiles and fake cheer something is wrong with me. Mind you these are people I consider part of my inner circle, the people who are part of my world. Family in a way. I've constantly have to deal with this. People think something is wrong with me because I choose not to hide my emotions. Part of it is because I find no reason to. Its of no concern to me how the public perceives me. My true friends know me well enough. Those people who can't deal with it just means we weren't meant to be friends. The other part is I don't know how to cover up my feelings, since I've chosen for so long now not to make the effort.
It just makes no sense to me. These people write me off as just being too emotional. These same people tend to say everyone is 'too emotional' when anyone other then themselves aren't being social. What gets me most is that these people will simple mutter and complain under thier breath about it instead of actually trying to ask me if I'm okay. And lack the dignity to respect my decision not to talk about it if I'm not ready. Really, I'm tired of everyone acting like they know whats best for me and what I should be doing. It is my life and I will make my own choices, for better or for worse. Its true I've made MANY mistakes and I will deal with them. But I do not need to be constantly reminded of how I've ruined my life and made things so much harder then they should be. I already know this. I simply choose not to whine and complain about it everyday.
It hurts that these close ones don't bother to put in the effort to understand and accept me for who I am. If I don't act like them, they treat me as though something is wrong with me. They cannot acknowledge the fact I've made my own conscious choice to be myself and that who I am is not who they are. Thinking about all this, I feel like a teenager. Its as if I've discovered the world for the first time. Don't think I'm saying I know the truth or whats best, I don't. I only know what works best for me. I do my best to watch what I say and not discourage someone else for their choices and to only offer advice/help when asked. But since I never verbalize this trait of mine, no one sees that or offers me the same thing.
This whole time in my life right now is maddening because I'm in a position that only God and time will allow to change. And while I do my best to wait patiently, everyone around me is poking me with insults, annoying advice, and criticism. I'm about ready to kill the next person who tells me what they think I need to do.
Lately, I've been unhappy with me life. My biggest concern right now is my job. Right now, I work at Potbelly. And I dislike it. The people are cool but I make min.wage. I'm 25 and nearly finished with school and yet I'm making min wage. I know of people who aren't even done with school who have jobs in their field. I just wonder what I'm lacking. Motivation? Connections? Good fortune? And so because of this I am also consistently broke. I mean its really bad. I barely have enough for gas and food. I don't ever waste my money now on anything. I haven't bought any clothes, electronics, etc. Just food and gas and the occasion movie. So life has been very bland and boring as of late. And its wearing at me. I'm trying to look around for a new job but as of yet I've had no luck. I don't understand why I can't find work. Again, what is the X-factor that I seem to be missing? A part of me is still very bitter over me losing my job at SBUX but that bitterness will do nothing but harm if I'm not careful. I need to stick to my goals of finding better work. Plus I've fallen behind some in school and thats wearing at me. So because of these few things I've been down.
Now what really annoys me are those people who think they know whats going on with me and say something is wrong with me. That because I don't make an effort to hide my feelings and put on a mask of smiles and fake cheer something is wrong with me. Mind you these are people I consider part of my inner circle, the people who are part of my world. Family in a way. I've constantly have to deal with this. People think something is wrong with me because I choose not to hide my emotions. Part of it is because I find no reason to. Its of no concern to me how the public perceives me. My true friends know me well enough. Those people who can't deal with it just means we weren't meant to be friends. The other part is I don't know how to cover up my feelings, since I've chosen for so long now not to make the effort.
It just makes no sense to me. These people write me off as just being too emotional. These same people tend to say everyone is 'too emotional' when anyone other then themselves aren't being social. What gets me most is that these people will simple mutter and complain under thier breath about it instead of actually trying to ask me if I'm okay. And lack the dignity to respect my decision not to talk about it if I'm not ready. Really, I'm tired of everyone acting like they know whats best for me and what I should be doing. It is my life and I will make my own choices, for better or for worse. Its true I've made MANY mistakes and I will deal with them. But I do not need to be constantly reminded of how I've ruined my life and made things so much harder then they should be. I already know this. I simply choose not to whine and complain about it everyday.
It hurts that these close ones don't bother to put in the effort to understand and accept me for who I am. If I don't act like them, they treat me as though something is wrong with me. They cannot acknowledge the fact I've made my own conscious choice to be myself and that who I am is not who they are. Thinking about all this, I feel like a teenager. Its as if I've discovered the world for the first time. Don't think I'm saying I know the truth or whats best, I don't. I only know what works best for me. I do my best to watch what I say and not discourage someone else for their choices and to only offer advice/help when asked. But since I never verbalize this trait of mine, no one sees that or offers me the same thing.
This whole time in my life right now is maddening because I'm in a position that only God and time will allow to change. And while I do my best to wait patiently, everyone around me is poking me with insults, annoying advice, and criticism. I'm about ready to kill the next person who tells me what they think I need to do.