(no subject)
I just wanted to let everyone know that I am not a masochist, nor have I ever been a masochist. Before you laugh at what seems a blatant untruth, hear me out. I was talking with Shawn today about how tired we both are of being played and manipulated and used and all the rest (because Shawn and I, being so much alike, have similar experiences in our relationships with others). And then later I was listening to "New Drink for the Old Drunk" by Crooked Fingers. And at one point, it goes:
You were spent so you went to get used in the corner
Where they kicked you around like a rodeo clown
And it echoed through town they were beating you down
And as they spread the word that you liked how it hurt
The last line is the one that got me angry. I kept replaying the song so that I could sing angrily to that line. And I realized that I DON'T like how it hurts. I never have. I didn't like the way that cutting hurt. I didn't get pleasure from it. And I don't get pleasure from relationships which amount to me being hurt or manipulated. So you can ask, why do I set myself up to be hurt then, if I don't take some kind of masochistic pleasure from it. But the truth is that I don't go into these things with being hurt as the end in mind. I "set myself up" by allowing myself to be vulnerable, by sort of trusting people. But love and friendship are the aims, NOT pain. I don't think "Please can we be friends because I'd really like it if you'd hurt me." I put up with the being hurt, yes, but I do it because I'm hoping that it will pass and come to something better. I'm hoping to be the special kid who will break through all of your hurtful defenses and get you to love me. I really am an idealist and for all my lack of trust, I also want to give people a million chances. Everytime someone hurts me, I hope that it's the last time and that, having tolerated it, I will somehow be rewarded by love, not by more pain. It's not the pain that I enjoy. I do not enjoy pain. Because...I am not a masochist! The reason that I was angered by the song, though, was because it made me realize how convenient it is for everyone else if I can be labelled a masochist. Everyone pretty much thinks that I am masochistic. I've never heard anyone dispute that (though everyone I've told this counterclaim to so far has agreed with me). And that works out really well because that means you can do whatever you want to me. Use me, manipulate me, hurt me, whatever, and some part of yourself can justify it by thinking (though never quite consciously) that it's alright, because Holly enjoys it. You're never responsible, because you're convinced that I do it to myself and I like how it hurts. Now I'm not saying that I am a victim of all the world, or that there hasn't been a lot of pain I could have avoided by being less vulnerable and/or passive. I'm just saying that regarding me as a masochist is much more convenient than it is accurate.
You were spent so you went to get used in the corner
Where they kicked you around like a rodeo clown
And it echoed through town they were beating you down
And as they spread the word that you liked how it hurt
The last line is the one that got me angry. I kept replaying the song so that I could sing angrily to that line. And I realized that I DON'T like how it hurts. I never have. I didn't like the way that cutting hurt. I didn't get pleasure from it. And I don't get pleasure from relationships which amount to me being hurt or manipulated. So you can ask, why do I set myself up to be hurt then, if I don't take some kind of masochistic pleasure from it. But the truth is that I don't go into these things with being hurt as the end in mind. I "set myself up" by allowing myself to be vulnerable, by sort of trusting people. But love and friendship are the aims, NOT pain. I don't think "Please can we be friends because I'd really like it if you'd hurt me." I put up with the being hurt, yes, but I do it because I'm hoping that it will pass and come to something better. I'm hoping to be the special kid who will break through all of your hurtful defenses and get you to love me. I really am an idealist and for all my lack of trust, I also want to give people a million chances. Everytime someone hurts me, I hope that it's the last time and that, having tolerated it, I will somehow be rewarded by love, not by more pain. It's not the pain that I enjoy. I do not enjoy pain. Because...I am not a masochist! The reason that I was angered by the song, though, was because it made me realize how convenient it is for everyone else if I can be labelled a masochist. Everyone pretty much thinks that I am masochistic. I've never heard anyone dispute that (though everyone I've told this counterclaim to so far has agreed with me). And that works out really well because that means you can do whatever you want to me. Use me, manipulate me, hurt me, whatever, and some part of yourself can justify it by thinking (though never quite consciously) that it's alright, because Holly enjoys it. You're never responsible, because you're convinced that I do it to myself and I like how it hurts. Now I'm not saying that I am a victim of all the world, or that there hasn't been a lot of pain I could have avoided by being less vulnerable and/or passive. I'm just saying that regarding me as a masochist is much more convenient than it is accurate.