(no subject)
I know I haven't been around to post or comment, but I do keep up with the posts of those on my f-list, and I still care. In fact, in my mind, they're the ones that don't. Why? Because everyone on my f-list except for a select few hit me up on AIM, sometimes often, sometimes occasionally, but most of them keep in touch in a way that doesn't require dealing with a bunch of firewall removals and password mindfuckery. God forbid. But either way, this is my "safe place" to rant, as it were. And so I shall.
Frankly, my life is shit right now. I got fucked out of my supposedly "guaranteed" job. All of the money I got for Christmas/birthday went to food for me and Ash, and not much of that food was eaten by us. Who was it eaten by? The moochers, who also took my meds and drank all my Coke and ate all of my goddamned chocolate chip cookies. Money for dinner goes to fags, weed, gambling, and gas to fuel those addictions. We have to deal with Tommy's condescending douchebaggery, Kazu's instigations, and Sara's pregnant self-righteousness (because getting knocked up is SO hard).
I go to bed hungry, wake up with a migraine, and go about my day dealing with a bunch of self-entitled douches who wouldn't know "respect" if a homeless man used his last buck to buy them a coffee because they looked a little sad. In fact, they would have been pissed if he didn't, because clearly they deserve all that and more.
Yes, I have things in my life that I will never be over. Wounds that will never heal, and people I will never forgive. But that doesn't matter. What does?
The fact that I have friends now, friends that I know will be by my side no matter what...even if a drifting or a betrayal ever do occur. I will keep moving forward, and I will move past it.
Nicu, Daine, and Dee are top on the list, the ones who have never let me down and are always, ALWAYS available. They know me. They can rant at me. I can rant at them. We have no secrets from each other, we have no fears. We talk on AIM and Skype and we have survived long and sleepless nights with one another just so one of us wouldn't be alone.
I have friends I speak to less often that I used to be on constantly, like Hils, Mica, Kat, Anthy, Andy, Neko, Madi, EJ, and Zoey. For some reasons or others, we don't talk much anymore. We do keep in touch, we're honest with each other, we've never let each other down, and we're the kind of friends that aren't super-close but still trust each other to the point of risking so very much for them.
Then I have friends like Sanae and Rui, who sometimes piss me the fuck off, but are incredible people with great personalities that simply clash with mine. It happens, and we need to make some serious effort to maintain our "friendship" status, but we do because the other person is worth the effort. Again, god forbid.
Most importantly - and I admit this freely - I have Ash. I have a fiance, a friend, a rival, a god, a worshipper, an enemy, a brother, a child, a parent, a captain, that I can look to for anything. We know everything about each other. All the torture and escape and betrayal and rape and fear in our past is laid bare before the other. All the laughter and memories and friendships and games and happiness is the other's. Some nights we go to bed and make love, others we simply fall asleep. Some nights we grip the other's throat until eyes and throat alike are bruised and the assailant's hands are bleeding from the prying fingernails of the other's, and then fall asleep clutched to each others' chests and crying because the world is fucking cruel and I have mourned for her since the day of my birth.
There is nothing, NOTHING, that one of us does not know about the other. Nothing important is hidden, nothing minor can't be explained. Our trust knows no bounds. We are every part of one another, more than I could ever have imagined. He taught me so much. He taught me how to stand on my own. Defy my parents when they are wrong. Be confident. Define my gender. Stand up to my enemies. Laugh. Cry. Fight. He is a man I admire and adore and love and hate and will be with for the rest of eternity just because I know damn well that I can no longer survive without the knowledge that he will be by my side when I collapse exhaustedly to the bed at night.
But you know what? I'm growing up. And despite the constant irritation and mild depression, I am happy for once. By evolving, learning, growing, crying, fighting, I have removed the tumors of my past, my pains, my relationships, my abuse, and strengthened those parts of me that I always did love. I am a new person because I am myself, and that is a rarer find than it should be.
I'm not very articulate, and I know Ash will always be able to say these things better than I can. Use your head, but stick to your guns. Trust your partner. If you can't believe in yourself, then believe in the me that believes in you. Never let anyone hurt you without your permission. Always keep moving forward. You have your friends by your side, and if you don't, keep fighting like hell until you find them.
People need to evolve, and grow, and learn. Grow up, and move on, and stop wasting your time with petty revenge schemes and nasty snipes aimed at people from your past. That's all I have to say.
Frankly, my life is shit right now. I got fucked out of my supposedly "guaranteed" job. All of the money I got for Christmas/birthday went to food for me and Ash, and not much of that food was eaten by us. Who was it eaten by? The moochers, who also took my meds and drank all my Coke and ate all of my goddamned chocolate chip cookies. Money for dinner goes to fags, weed, gambling, and gas to fuel those addictions. We have to deal with Tommy's condescending douchebaggery, Kazu's instigations, and Sara's pregnant self-righteousness (because getting knocked up is SO hard).
I go to bed hungry, wake up with a migraine, and go about my day dealing with a bunch of self-entitled douches who wouldn't know "respect" if a homeless man used his last buck to buy them a coffee because they looked a little sad. In fact, they would have been pissed if he didn't, because clearly they deserve all that and more.
Yes, I have things in my life that I will never be over. Wounds that will never heal, and people I will never forgive. But that doesn't matter. What does?
The fact that I have friends now, friends that I know will be by my side no matter what...even if a drifting or a betrayal ever do occur. I will keep moving forward, and I will move past it.
Nicu, Daine, and Dee are top on the list, the ones who have never let me down and are always, ALWAYS available. They know me. They can rant at me. I can rant at them. We have no secrets from each other, we have no fears. We talk on AIM and Skype and we have survived long and sleepless nights with one another just so one of us wouldn't be alone.
I have friends I speak to less often that I used to be on constantly, like Hils, Mica, Kat, Anthy, Andy, Neko, Madi, EJ, and Zoey. For some reasons or others, we don't talk much anymore. We do keep in touch, we're honest with each other, we've never let each other down, and we're the kind of friends that aren't super-close but still trust each other to the point of risking so very much for them.
Then I have friends like Sanae and Rui, who sometimes piss me the fuck off, but are incredible people with great personalities that simply clash with mine. It happens, and we need to make some serious effort to maintain our "friendship" status, but we do because the other person is worth the effort. Again, god forbid.
Most importantly - and I admit this freely - I have Ash. I have a fiance, a friend, a rival, a god, a worshipper, an enemy, a brother, a child, a parent, a captain, that I can look to for anything. We know everything about each other. All the torture and escape and betrayal and rape and fear in our past is laid bare before the other. All the laughter and memories and friendships and games and happiness is the other's. Some nights we go to bed and make love, others we simply fall asleep. Some nights we grip the other's throat until eyes and throat alike are bruised and the assailant's hands are bleeding from the prying fingernails of the other's, and then fall asleep clutched to each others' chests and crying because the world is fucking cruel and I have mourned for her since the day of my birth.
There is nothing, NOTHING, that one of us does not know about the other. Nothing important is hidden, nothing minor can't be explained. Our trust knows no bounds. We are every part of one another, more than I could ever have imagined. He taught me so much. He taught me how to stand on my own. Defy my parents when they are wrong. Be confident. Define my gender. Stand up to my enemies. Laugh. Cry. Fight. He is a man I admire and adore and love and hate and will be with for the rest of eternity just because I know damn well that I can no longer survive without the knowledge that he will be by my side when I collapse exhaustedly to the bed at night.
But you know what? I'm growing up. And despite the constant irritation and mild depression, I am happy for once. By evolving, learning, growing, crying, fighting, I have removed the tumors of my past, my pains, my relationships, my abuse, and strengthened those parts of me that I always did love. I am a new person because I am myself, and that is a rarer find than it should be.
I'm not very articulate, and I know Ash will always be able to say these things better than I can. Use your head, but stick to your guns. Trust your partner. If you can't believe in yourself, then believe in the me that believes in you. Never let anyone hurt you without your permission. Always keep moving forward. You have your friends by your side, and if you don't, keep fighting like hell until you find them.
People need to evolve, and grow, and learn. Grow up, and move on, and stop wasting your time with petty revenge schemes and nasty snipes aimed at people from your past. That's all I have to say.