(no subject)
We don't change.
We never have, and never will.
All that happens, is our consciences grow stronger.
I love(d) her.
I always have.
Completely unconditionally, and shes the only one I ever have unconditionally cared for.
Actually, the only person in my life I ever have unconditionally loved.
I realized that last night.
No matter what has happened over the years, no matter how bad we've had it out, no matter how bad things got, I always cared just the same, and we both always knew the other would come when we called.
And so far, Im pretty sure I've came just about every time she did.
As Matt stated to me
"Wes, even when the world turned on her, myself included, you've always had her back"
Maybe thats the kind of love John Mayer babbles about after the "Bold as Love" solo.
I'm starting to wonder if I've ever really experienced that feeling.
I'm sure I did. I'm sure Kellye did when we were together. I was just too dumb to realize.
I shouldn't have been there.
I shouldn't have pushed.
I shouldn't have tried.
I've honestly embarrassed myself.
And to be as honest as I can, this is the embarrassment that really breaks my heart.
The reason I left was simple.
I love her too much to share.
There is no way in hell I could. Shes not that kind of girl. And never will be in my eyes.
And if what would have happened did happen, I know I would have never been able to look at her again.
That thought scares me.
I feel like I cheapened everything, as there always, to me atleast, felt like a true realness between her and I.
Maybe I made her feel worthless and she didn't really want to tell me, as she knew it would kill me to hear that. Or maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, and that she did realize my reasons, and what was going through my mind, and that it meant something to her.
I called her just to let her know why I left, I didn't say what I really wanted.
I've always felt like I was right for her.
Or that, I'd be willing to work through anything to make it work
That for some reason, I would put in the work.
Maybe, it just clicked in my head, that I really think I love her, in a romantic I got your back type of love.
But, I know that will never be returned. Im not the kind of man she really would want. Maybe one day.
Sometimes, I see myself marrying her in a strange way. Its like a bad highschool crush.
But its been ongoing for nearly 4 years. Shit gets close, then something fucks up.
I felt the best leading up to the worse events of last night, than I have in a long time.
Had my new kicks on, new shirt, with my favorite girl. She looked great. She always does.
It just got more real to me.
"Look at that picture, we really look like a couple, the kiss, the hight difference, everything"
For some reason, I really just wanted to say "Then why the fuck aren't we?"
I guess its the same conversation I had with Kelly Alderman years ago.
"As much as I care about you, I know I'd make you happy, but I'd never be enough for you."
I remember her getting teary eyed after we had that talk.
But I know the (her) reasons, so I never really try anymore, I just enjoy any time there is a hint of romance with our company, and savor every second of it.
Im trying hard to accept alot of things in my life the older I get.
I try to accept things that are not completely under my control.
I try to accept who I am.
But I'm really not too sure anymore.
Its funny, I watched Notorious, and Biggie said something about Tupac Shakur to the effect of "I met Tupac, one day he was militant, one day a thug, one day a lover, one day he was reckless, one day responsible, just depended on the day of the week"
I feel like that sometimes.
"And this is why we can't do what we used to do."
We never have, and never will.
All that happens, is our consciences grow stronger.
I love(d) her.
I always have.
Completely unconditionally, and shes the only one I ever have unconditionally cared for.
Actually, the only person in my life I ever have unconditionally loved.
I realized that last night.
No matter what has happened over the years, no matter how bad we've had it out, no matter how bad things got, I always cared just the same, and we both always knew the other would come when we called.
And so far, Im pretty sure I've came just about every time she did.
As Matt stated to me
"Wes, even when the world turned on her, myself included, you've always had her back"
Maybe thats the kind of love John Mayer babbles about after the "Bold as Love" solo.
I'm starting to wonder if I've ever really experienced that feeling.
I'm sure I did. I'm sure Kellye did when we were together. I was just too dumb to realize.
I shouldn't have been there.
I shouldn't have pushed.
I shouldn't have tried.
I've honestly embarrassed myself.
And to be as honest as I can, this is the embarrassment that really breaks my heart.
The reason I left was simple.
I love her too much to share.
There is no way in hell I could. Shes not that kind of girl. And never will be in my eyes.
And if what would have happened did happen, I know I would have never been able to look at her again.
That thought scares me.
I feel like I cheapened everything, as there always, to me atleast, felt like a true realness between her and I.
Maybe I made her feel worthless and she didn't really want to tell me, as she knew it would kill me to hear that. Or maybe it wasn't that big of a deal, and that she did realize my reasons, and what was going through my mind, and that it meant something to her.
I called her just to let her know why I left, I didn't say what I really wanted.
I've always felt like I was right for her.
Or that, I'd be willing to work through anything to make it work
That for some reason, I would put in the work.
Maybe, it just clicked in my head, that I really think I love her, in a romantic I got your back type of love.
But, I know that will never be returned. Im not the kind of man she really would want. Maybe one day.
Sometimes, I see myself marrying her in a strange way. Its like a bad highschool crush.
But its been ongoing for nearly 4 years. Shit gets close, then something fucks up.
I felt the best leading up to the worse events of last night, than I have in a long time.
Had my new kicks on, new shirt, with my favorite girl. She looked great. She always does.
It just got more real to me.
"Look at that picture, we really look like a couple, the kiss, the hight difference, everything"
For some reason, I really just wanted to say "Then why the fuck aren't we?"
I guess its the same conversation I had with Kelly Alderman years ago.
"As much as I care about you, I know I'd make you happy, but I'd never be enough for you."
I remember her getting teary eyed after we had that talk.
But I know the (her) reasons, so I never really try anymore, I just enjoy any time there is a hint of romance with our company, and savor every second of it.
Im trying hard to accept alot of things in my life the older I get.
I try to accept things that are not completely under my control.
I try to accept who I am.
But I'm really not too sure anymore.
Its funny, I watched Notorious, and Biggie said something about Tupac Shakur to the effect of "I met Tupac, one day he was militant, one day a thug, one day a lover, one day he was reckless, one day responsible, just depended on the day of the week"
I feel like that sometimes.
"And this is why we can't do what we used to do."