My Nine Rides Shotgun...
I have not updated this thing in about a year and a half, and holy shit has my life changed quite a bit.
I'm not sure if I'm trying to make this a whole retrospective kind of thing, or more so just an acknowledgement that I haven't written about my own life in a long time.
It's interesting to me, I wrote in this journal multiple times a day back in 2003 - 2006. All of these entries were about the most idiodic, trivial things one could write about. It's as if every single entry was about a "mall adventure", a punk rock album, or apologizing to a significant other for being a douche. Although virtually everything I wrote about was pretty much worthless, it didn't stop me from informing people and myself about it, multiple times a day. Now that I'm actually in a position where writing could mean something to me (2006 - 2010), I almost have no use to tell anything to myself or anyone else.
It's not to say that nothing interesting in my life has happened in the past year and a half (quite the contrary, actually). Almost an entire year of that year and a half was nothing short of sugar-sour coated misery. During that year I was in my head more than anything and said virtually nothing to anybody about why things inside there was so fucked up. It's possible that over that time spent in my head I started to realize that my life is meaningless to everybody besides myself, and possibly a few others. Is it possible that a vast amount of narcissisim and self-importance has evaporated from me over time? Kevin Kalnasy, circa 2003 - 2009 would have made a plethora of rants about why someone is a cunt, or that he will end up dying alone. Maybe part of my realization didn't just lie in the fact that other people go through the same things that I do, but that at some point, I go through the same things I have at one point or another.
However, if I actually escaped my childish need to be a center of attetion, then why do I have an online personal profile? Why did I spend so much time updating statuses with depressing lyrics by bands no one cares about, or professing my lonliness to people who have their own pointless shit to worry about? Maybe, I was reaching out. Maybe, I was trying to make a statement. Either way, I was falsely assuming that people cared, when they really shouldn't.
So, why am I writing now? I spent some time reading some of my old journal and the journal of a good friend of mine and it got me thinking of why I used to write in journal: to tell people about the trivial goings on in my pointless life. I guess I wanted to write something down before another year, 2 years, 10 years, 20 years goes by. I wanted to write something before I become less narcissistic and self-absorbed. I figured Deadjournal would be a safe place to do this. No one uses this site anymore. So, it's as if I'm the only one reading this. I've never been one to keep a "diary" diary. That always seemed lame. Plus, I've always hated writing with my hand. Not to mention, my handwritting is rubbish.
Regardless, I won't go into details about how the past year and a half had unfolded. Everything in my life is virtually the same regarding surface matters such as music, band, family and friends.
However, there is someone I am truly in love with, dearly.
She is this beautiful:
I care for her more than she'll ever know and more than I could ever comprehend feeling for someone. At a point in my life where I was an emotionless shell of what I was, or could be, she found me and reminded me that I could feel and care for others. Most importantly, she makes me believe in myself again.
Morgan Smith makes most all of you look like complete fuck-faces to me.
So, come to think of it, I guess the past year and a half wasn't bad :)
I'm not sure if I'm trying to make this a whole retrospective kind of thing, or more so just an acknowledgement that I haven't written about my own life in a long time.
It's interesting to me, I wrote in this journal multiple times a day back in 2003 - 2006. All of these entries were about the most idiodic, trivial things one could write about. It's as if every single entry was about a "mall adventure", a punk rock album, or apologizing to a significant other for being a douche. Although virtually everything I wrote about was pretty much worthless, it didn't stop me from informing people and myself about it, multiple times a day. Now that I'm actually in a position where writing could mean something to me (2006 - 2010), I almost have no use to tell anything to myself or anyone else.
It's not to say that nothing interesting in my life has happened in the past year and a half (quite the contrary, actually). Almost an entire year of that year and a half was nothing short of sugar-sour coated misery. During that year I was in my head more than anything and said virtually nothing to anybody about why things inside there was so fucked up. It's possible that over that time spent in my head I started to realize that my life is meaningless to everybody besides myself, and possibly a few others. Is it possible that a vast amount of narcissisim and self-importance has evaporated from me over time? Kevin Kalnasy, circa 2003 - 2009 would have made a plethora of rants about why someone is a cunt, or that he will end up dying alone. Maybe part of my realization didn't just lie in the fact that other people go through the same things that I do, but that at some point, I go through the same things I have at one point or another.
However, if I actually escaped my childish need to be a center of attetion, then why do I have an online personal profile? Why did I spend so much time updating statuses with depressing lyrics by bands no one cares about, or professing my lonliness to people who have their own pointless shit to worry about? Maybe, I was reaching out. Maybe, I was trying to make a statement. Either way, I was falsely assuming that people cared, when they really shouldn't.
So, why am I writing now? I spent some time reading some of my old journal and the journal of a good friend of mine and it got me thinking of why I used to write in journal: to tell people about the trivial goings on in my pointless life. I guess I wanted to write something down before another year, 2 years, 10 years, 20 years goes by. I wanted to write something before I become less narcissistic and self-absorbed. I figured Deadjournal would be a safe place to do this. No one uses this site anymore. So, it's as if I'm the only one reading this. I've never been one to keep a "diary" diary. That always seemed lame. Plus, I've always hated writing with my hand. Not to mention, my handwritting is rubbish.
Regardless, I won't go into details about how the past year and a half had unfolded. Everything in my life is virtually the same regarding surface matters such as music, band, family and friends.
However, there is someone I am truly in love with, dearly.
She is this beautiful:
I care for her more than she'll ever know and more than I could ever comprehend feeling for someone. At a point in my life where I was an emotionless shell of what I was, or could be, she found me and reminded me that I could feel and care for others. Most importantly, she makes me believe in myself again.
Morgan Smith makes most all of you look like complete fuck-faces to me.
So, come to think of it, I guess the past year and a half wasn't bad :)