(no subject)
I haven't had a serious soul searching post in a long time. Not sure this will end up one either. It could just end up as a ramble plagued rant. Most of my feeling right now just stems from reading things from my past. Old mail, notes, posts, and pictures. I've realized my past defines me way too much. For every scar on my heart i've changed just a little bit. Not to sound so dramatic but when i get in these moods i like being well spoken i guess. But every time i've been fucked over by a friend i'm just that more guarded the next time and i feel like i've gotten to the point now that i just can't let anyone get close anymore. I just feel in the end friends never stick around or live up too expectations. That leads me to believe maybe my expectations are too high but i'm pretty easy going so which is it ya know? All i ask for really is loyalty and conversation. I've got one real close friend now cause she's been there for years but even she has been disappearing. (no i'm not angry about it, I understand, i really do). Then it comes to women. Now I think i'm gonna be fucked over by all of them and i have no right too cause really it's my own fault that some of the good ones got away. If i had just kissed her, if i had just hugged a little longer, if i had just held her hand during the movie, if i had just said something other then the usual non-descript phrases and words i use so i don't weird someone out. I spend so much time trying to be a gentleman and different from the perceived other men that in the end all i'm doing is being friends and confusing the fuck out of the girls. That's really all i'm doing. I'm confusing chics. I really need to stop that but i don't know how to do that cause i don't know any other way.