fuck it...its time for the bakulator!
my post earlier was me being a whiney selfish ass. you need some bakula. WELL BY GOD THEN IM GONNA GIVE YOU SOME FUCKING BAKULA, COUNT BAKULA, AND MAYBE SOME FRANKENBERRY! GODDAMMIT.
thanks, well here goes. (deep breaths, be calm, this is scott fuckin bakula, dont frighten him, you dont want him to leap out of this dimension).
me: scott. good name, good stuff. so i hear you are from Boise, Idaho. Have you always had an interest in theatre, or did you just stumble upon it.
bakulator: damn straight nice name. just kidding. well yeah im from idaho, i lived there till i was 36. i never thought id be an actor. i worked at the penny candy store called "penny patties priceless candies" and i loved it, i never wanted to leave. plus i did alot of hunting and gutting of deer n such. those were the simple days.
me: really? thats interesting. well, how the hell at 36 did you get into acting. especially when you were so content?
the count: well, you see, i had a damn nice physique, and randalls tire shop down on dix right off of route 401 was making a commercial. the owner remembered me. i helped reshingle his house one summer and asked if i wanted to be in the commercial. i said "for how much, cuz you know i want no money but if something happens to the beast (my dodge omni) id like it fixed for free." he agreed and well, Judy Sumner who later became my agent, was passing through town, and saw my performance. So she went to the shop...asked about me...found me at penny patties, and asked if id like to do other commercials (for good amounts of money) i says "baby, hell yes."
Me: wow, peter ber- oops i mean god must have been looking over you. so what did you do between that and yr breakthrough Quantum FUcking Leap?
SAM BECKETT: well just some soap commercials. i did a cheese commercial. a couple infomercials. but one day she judy came to me with quantum leap. and i had to take it because my count chocula addiction was out of hand and the commercials wouldnt cut it. so i took the shit out of that roll, and its changed me in so many ways.
me: aside from financially, how did leaping into the roll of sam beckett effect yr life?
the bakulatron: well it did get me sexed up a whole lot. that was better than the money. i love me some nice tight sixte.....uhm twentyfive year old honeys. just plow right through that fur. it opened me up to rolls in movies, which in turn opened more womens thighs. at times though. id talk to the wall and id think i was about to leap, but then id black out, and wake up with my face in a pile of blow, and empty gallon of jack in my hand, and a sore rectum. boy those were some wild days. but i wasnt out of control you see. ive never given a lackluster performance. and i, scott bakula, will stand by that.
me: amen brother. any fav episodes?
Bakula to bakula: the one where i was the kid whos mama wanted to go to college in the sixties. i totally got to work with that guy who later played that starving artist from seinfeld. i knew i was working with someone special.
me: then in about what was it 1991 or 1992? you made necessary roughness.
you got my bakula: shit i dont know. i was so drunk when we made that shit. but it was so good. it came so naturally. my character was basically me before the stardom. and goddamn that one son of a bitch, keith david? oh wait no sinbad. crazy fucker. but man when he shit, you couldnt go into the bathroom for hours. he had them big ass thighs and thunder clappin fartin ass. still. one funny spook.
me: ehhh heh heh heh, uhm would you like me to edit that spook part?
adolf bakula: WHAT!?!? NO! I HATE ME SOME NIGGERS. DAMNIT. WHERES THE PRIDE? HE WAS A GOOD NIGGER IS ALL IM SAYING! BUT STILL A GODDAMN SPEAR CHUCKER!
me: (starting to freak out with that outburst) okay well uhm, shit lets just move on then. alright. niggers bad bakula good. alright yeah sure. uhm. uhhhmmm. ehhh (clears throat) uhm so oh yeah wait...i hear youve donated over 9 million dollars towards charitable causes.
scott looney bakula: yeah, i love helping people. i love the whole human race. but mostly the whites. but if i help a few jews on the way, thats alright, cuz i know im helping my aryan race.
me:uhm oh shit god. ehhhhh lord of illusions. tell me about it.
scott calming down bakula: OH GODDAMN MAN! that movie was a blast. you know that sex scene in the movie? well i violated her velvet insides off set too. what do you think of that?
me: good stuff. i prefer men though.
scott fuckin bakula: well whatever, i can understand. a little dick here and there is uhm uhm YOU GODDAMN FAGGOT! WHAT THE SHIT. YR PLAYING THESE HOMO HEAD GAMES. TRYING TO MAKE ME ADMIT TO SLEEPING WITH SINBAD. WELL IT NEVER HAPPENED. I SWEAR. I HATE GAYS AND BLACKS. I LIKE PUSSY AND GAMBLING DAMNIT. SHIT I NEED TO LEAP OUT OF HERE. INTO AN INMATES BODY WHOS ABOUT TO GET A QUANJIGLE VISIT. GODDAMN. (takes deep breath). alright uhm beer time (slurps some sort of alcohol) mmmmmm ahhh...das goooood!
me: ok well uhm i think this was a bad idea. it was fun though.....i guess....nice to....shit im not gonna lie yr so fucked up.
bakula: alright cool. hey before you go....would you like to buy a huffy ten speed? 15 bucks....11....hey where you goin come back...i need the money...fine 8.50....scott....scott.....SCOOOOOTTTTTTTT COOOOOMMMEEE BAAAACCKKK! NOBODY WILL GIVE ME WORK ANYMORE!!!!
SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
that was for jon berz
i love you buddy.
thanks, well here goes. (deep breaths, be calm, this is scott fuckin bakula, dont frighten him, you dont want him to leap out of this dimension).
me: scott. good name, good stuff. so i hear you are from Boise, Idaho. Have you always had an interest in theatre, or did you just stumble upon it.
bakulator: damn straight nice name. just kidding. well yeah im from idaho, i lived there till i was 36. i never thought id be an actor. i worked at the penny candy store called "penny patties priceless candies" and i loved it, i never wanted to leave. plus i did alot of hunting and gutting of deer n such. those were the simple days.
me: really? thats interesting. well, how the hell at 36 did you get into acting. especially when you were so content?
the count: well, you see, i had a damn nice physique, and randalls tire shop down on dix right off of route 401 was making a commercial. the owner remembered me. i helped reshingle his house one summer and asked if i wanted to be in the commercial. i said "for how much, cuz you know i want no money but if something happens to the beast (my dodge omni) id like it fixed for free." he agreed and well, Judy Sumner who later became my agent, was passing through town, and saw my performance. So she went to the shop...asked about me...found me at penny patties, and asked if id like to do other commercials (for good amounts of money) i says "baby, hell yes."
Me: wow, peter ber- oops i mean god must have been looking over you. so what did you do between that and yr breakthrough Quantum FUcking Leap?
SAM BECKETT: well just some soap commercials. i did a cheese commercial. a couple infomercials. but one day she judy came to me with quantum leap. and i had to take it because my count chocula addiction was out of hand and the commercials wouldnt cut it. so i took the shit out of that roll, and its changed me in so many ways.
me: aside from financially, how did leaping into the roll of sam beckett effect yr life?
the bakulatron: well it did get me sexed up a whole lot. that was better than the money. i love me some nice tight sixte.....uhm twentyfive year old honeys. just plow right through that fur. it opened me up to rolls in movies, which in turn opened more womens thighs. at times though. id talk to the wall and id think i was about to leap, but then id black out, and wake up with my face in a pile of blow, and empty gallon of jack in my hand, and a sore rectum. boy those were some wild days. but i wasnt out of control you see. ive never given a lackluster performance. and i, scott bakula, will stand by that.
me: amen brother. any fav episodes?
Bakula to bakula: the one where i was the kid whos mama wanted to go to college in the sixties. i totally got to work with that guy who later played that starving artist from seinfeld. i knew i was working with someone special.
me: then in about what was it 1991 or 1992? you made necessary roughness.
you got my bakula: shit i dont know. i was so drunk when we made that shit. but it was so good. it came so naturally. my character was basically me before the stardom. and goddamn that one son of a bitch, keith david? oh wait no sinbad. crazy fucker. but man when he shit, you couldnt go into the bathroom for hours. he had them big ass thighs and thunder clappin fartin ass. still. one funny spook.
me: ehhh heh heh heh, uhm would you like me to edit that spook part?
adolf bakula: WHAT!?!? NO! I HATE ME SOME NIGGERS. DAMNIT. WHERES THE PRIDE? HE WAS A GOOD NIGGER IS ALL IM SAYING! BUT STILL A GODDAMN SPEAR CHUCKER!
me: (starting to freak out with that outburst) okay well uhm, shit lets just move on then. alright. niggers bad bakula good. alright yeah sure. uhm. uhhhmmm. ehhh (clears throat) uhm so oh yeah wait...i hear youve donated over 9 million dollars towards charitable causes.
scott looney bakula: yeah, i love helping people. i love the whole human race. but mostly the whites. but if i help a few jews on the way, thats alright, cuz i know im helping my aryan race.
me:uhm oh shit god. ehhhhh lord of illusions. tell me about it.
scott calming down bakula: OH GODDAMN MAN! that movie was a blast. you know that sex scene in the movie? well i violated her velvet insides off set too. what do you think of that?
me: good stuff. i prefer men though.
scott fuckin bakula: well whatever, i can understand. a little dick here and there is uhm uhm YOU GODDAMN FAGGOT! WHAT THE SHIT. YR PLAYING THESE HOMO HEAD GAMES. TRYING TO MAKE ME ADMIT TO SLEEPING WITH SINBAD. WELL IT NEVER HAPPENED. I SWEAR. I HATE GAYS AND BLACKS. I LIKE PUSSY AND GAMBLING DAMNIT. SHIT I NEED TO LEAP OUT OF HERE. INTO AN INMATES BODY WHOS ABOUT TO GET A QUANJIGLE VISIT. GODDAMN. (takes deep breath). alright uhm beer time (slurps some sort of alcohol) mmmmmm ahhh...das goooood!
me: ok well uhm i think this was a bad idea. it was fun though.....i guess....nice to....shit im not gonna lie yr so fucked up.
bakula: alright cool. hey before you go....would you like to buy a huffy ten speed? 15 bucks....11....hey where you goin come back...i need the money...fine 8.50....scott....scott.....SCOOOOOTTTTTTTT COOOOOMMMEEE BAAAACCKKK! NOBODY WILL GIVE ME WORK ANYMORE!!!!
SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
that was for jon berz
i love you buddy.