my interview with david keith....
scott: hello david.
david: hello, its nice to finally be interviewed after decades in the industry. nobody appreciates my small, yet important contributions to some of the greatest movies to ever grace the silver screen.
s: well david, the pleasure is all mine. so i guess ill start off with platoon. were you in nam? were you in the shit? and did you guys really smoke opium, cuz i know it was an oliver stone flick, and in natural born killers i guess they all really ate mushrooms while filming.
d: no i wasnt in nam. i was busy at harvard, going to school for law. and goddamnit why do you have to bring up natural born killers. i shoulda been in that. and as for the drugs, no comment. (chuckles a bit. god those big pearly whites are lovely. that gap makes arnolds look like nothing.)
s: men at work....brilliant, as well as they live....greatest movie ever. it was so deep and powerful. john carpenter really was trying to stick it to capitalism and that one.
d: fuckin eh right. men at work was fun. man, charlie and emilio knew the finest whores, so much pussy on that set. as for they live.....goddamn i still watch how sweet i was in that. at least once a week. ill buy some dewars and some cutty, have the boys over, and recite it line for line. just for them. cuz i am DAVID FUCKIN KEITH...MASTER THESPIAN...MASTER LOVER....MASTER OF ALL POWERFUL BLACK MOTHERFUCKERS!
s:haha, preach on brother. so in men at work i was intrigued. are you really that nuts? and do you really enjoy that much ketchup on yr freedom fries (fuck the french, boycott that shit. bush in da house!!!!). but this will be a three parter. did you wanna nail jennefer connely in requiem for a dream or what? i had a crush on her since that shitty movie with her and frank whaley "business opportunities".
d: men at work hmm? i dont think im crazy at all. i can kick a little as if my big black brain told me to. would you fuck with these guns (he points to his sweaty bulging biceps)?
s: fuck no dude. im a pussy. ted krisko could maybe outwrestle me......in being a fag! hahahahahah
d: as for the ketchup. baby i love that shit. people on the set said "dave what are you doing, all that ketchup on that one fry is gonna steal the scene, we wrote this for charlie and emilio." i says "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, I KNOW HOW TO EAT A DAMN FRENCH FRY, AND ILL PUT ON AS MUCH KETCHUP AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE. ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM, YOU FUCK WITH THESE BABIES."
he points to his guns again.
d: and yeah i wanted to tear jenny (connelly) up. especially that double headed dildo scene. that was my idea too. i contributed more than my acting skills. damn that shit was hot. but man, that vag sure did stink up the set.
s: roddy piper and jon carpenter. comment.
d: well roddy is a good man. hes a simple man. all he wants out of life is a good hot meal. some biscuits and gravy. mashed taters. corn on the cob, some moist meatloaf, and a napkin. and i felt in that in "they live" they captured that moment while we chatted and he ate a nicely prepared meal. that boy is tuff too.
now jon carpenter. he is a damn genius. didnt you see that music video he made for big trouble in little china? fantastic. he isnt a big fan of capitalism, but he likes swimming in a pool of his own money. go figure. and you know that line roddy said "i came here to do two things; chew bubble gum and kick ass. and im all out of bubble gum." that was all roddy baby.
s: how tuff was it acting out that goddamn hour long fight scene? i mean shit, that was brutal.
d: yeah that was tuff. it took about a month. i lost three teeth. roddy got a broken thumb and nose. you see though, the message of that movie wasnt all about jon carpenters disgust for capitalism. but it was also about his love for wrestling. man, he goes to every wrestlemania. buys them big foam hands. dude is nuts. so he hired roddy for the main roll. and he worked in that fight scene, to show the true grace of wrestling. and since im such a great actor, i complimented roddys rugged style of combat.
s: well it was nice talking to you, but now i gotta get back to reality and move on in my boring pathetic life. i love you man.
d: you know why you love me right? CUZ IM DAVID FUCKIN KEITH. HEY BITCH (yells to his wife) GET ME SOME FRENCH FRIES, AND A WHOLE DAMN BOTTLE OF HEINZ. AND MAKE IT SNAPPY. IM ABOUT TO PUT IN THEY LIVE AND WATCH HOW GREAT I AM.
xoxo
next week.....SCOTT FUCKIN BAKULA BAKULATOR COUNT BAKULA.
david: hello, its nice to finally be interviewed after decades in the industry. nobody appreciates my small, yet important contributions to some of the greatest movies to ever grace the silver screen.
s: well david, the pleasure is all mine. so i guess ill start off with platoon. were you in nam? were you in the shit? and did you guys really smoke opium, cuz i know it was an oliver stone flick, and in natural born killers i guess they all really ate mushrooms while filming.
d: no i wasnt in nam. i was busy at harvard, going to school for law. and goddamnit why do you have to bring up natural born killers. i shoulda been in that. and as for the drugs, no comment. (chuckles a bit. god those big pearly whites are lovely. that gap makes arnolds look like nothing.)
s: men at work....brilliant, as well as they live....greatest movie ever. it was so deep and powerful. john carpenter really was trying to stick it to capitalism and that one.
d: fuckin eh right. men at work was fun. man, charlie and emilio knew the finest whores, so much pussy on that set. as for they live.....goddamn i still watch how sweet i was in that. at least once a week. ill buy some dewars and some cutty, have the boys over, and recite it line for line. just for them. cuz i am DAVID FUCKIN KEITH...MASTER THESPIAN...MASTER LOVER....MASTER OF ALL POWERFUL BLACK MOTHERFUCKERS!
s:haha, preach on brother. so in men at work i was intrigued. are you really that nuts? and do you really enjoy that much ketchup on yr freedom fries (fuck the french, boycott that shit. bush in da house!!!!). but this will be a three parter. did you wanna nail jennefer connely in requiem for a dream or what? i had a crush on her since that shitty movie with her and frank whaley "business opportunities".
d: men at work hmm? i dont think im crazy at all. i can kick a little as if my big black brain told me to. would you fuck with these guns (he points to his sweaty bulging biceps)?
s: fuck no dude. im a pussy. ted krisko could maybe outwrestle me......in being a fag! hahahahahah
d: as for the ketchup. baby i love that shit. people on the set said "dave what are you doing, all that ketchup on that one fry is gonna steal the scene, we wrote this for charlie and emilio." i says "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, I KNOW HOW TO EAT A DAMN FRENCH FRY, AND ILL PUT ON AS MUCH KETCHUP AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE. ANYONE GOT A PROBLEM, YOU FUCK WITH THESE BABIES."
he points to his guns again.
d: and yeah i wanted to tear jenny (connelly) up. especially that double headed dildo scene. that was my idea too. i contributed more than my acting skills. damn that shit was hot. but man, that vag sure did stink up the set.
s: roddy piper and jon carpenter. comment.
d: well roddy is a good man. hes a simple man. all he wants out of life is a good hot meal. some biscuits and gravy. mashed taters. corn on the cob, some moist meatloaf, and a napkin. and i felt in that in "they live" they captured that moment while we chatted and he ate a nicely prepared meal. that boy is tuff too.
now jon carpenter. he is a damn genius. didnt you see that music video he made for big trouble in little china? fantastic. he isnt a big fan of capitalism, but he likes swimming in a pool of his own money. go figure. and you know that line roddy said "i came here to do two things; chew bubble gum and kick ass. and im all out of bubble gum." that was all roddy baby.
s: how tuff was it acting out that goddamn hour long fight scene? i mean shit, that was brutal.
d: yeah that was tuff. it took about a month. i lost three teeth. roddy got a broken thumb and nose. you see though, the message of that movie wasnt all about jon carpenters disgust for capitalism. but it was also about his love for wrestling. man, he goes to every wrestlemania. buys them big foam hands. dude is nuts. so he hired roddy for the main roll. and he worked in that fight scene, to show the true grace of wrestling. and since im such a great actor, i complimented roddys rugged style of combat.
s: well it was nice talking to you, but now i gotta get back to reality and move on in my boring pathetic life. i love you man.
d: you know why you love me right? CUZ IM DAVID FUCKIN KEITH. HEY BITCH (yells to his wife) GET ME SOME FRENCH FRIES, AND A WHOLE DAMN BOTTLE OF HEINZ. AND MAKE IT SNAPPY. IM ABOUT TO PUT IN THEY LIVE AND WATCH HOW GREAT I AM.
xoxo
next week.....SCOTT FUCKIN BAKULA BAKULATOR COUNT BAKULA.