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[godhandmouth]

Oh my lord, I am the most melodramatic and moody human being I have ever made contact with! Less than one hour and twenty minutes ago, I was toying with the idea of cutting my arm with a steak knife, and here I am feeling normal

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[epiphanymonger]

yes. i wrote myself a note yesterday...where is it?....ah. that said "emotional instability". And I boxed it in. I'm pretty sure I intended to look it up as some psychological disorder that I (in the upper realm of potential) should be diagnosed with. I'm too all over the place. One minute (usually when walking from here to there, or there to here, in some form), I'll be really excited about something like studying and reading and writing and then the next minute--gone. Nothing. Brain death. It happens when I get into my room, especially. Of course, that's just one example. My memory, as in concrete memory, is hardly ever active anymore. I notice that every once in a while when I don't think about it my memory will sneak up on me and show me how it should be functioning. Like the other day in postmodernism class, I was writing down this paragraph in my notes, looking up and down every couple of words like I usually do for some reason. Then I got distracted. My mind went somewhere else. And I forgot what I was doing. And when I came back to, I had written the whole paragraph down. So obviously I had remembered the whole thing without trying to. I remember in elementary school--4th grade in particular--I used to play games with myself during science (the 5th grade teacher was our science teacher, and she always wrote a ton of notes) to see how much I could write down before having to look back up at the notes. On my good days, when I was focused, I would almost get a whole chalkboard down in one look. That was also fun. Funny how that's about the only thing I remember from 4th grade--especially in class. But anyway, somewhere along the line a combination of things happened and I stopped trusting myself. Almost like I was/am trying to be dumb. It's all so unconscious, though. Like Matt said when I told him about that note taking thing after class, "You have a busy subconscious." Or something like that. He probably said it better. But anyway. What was I talking about? Ohhh, the mood thing. Weird.... Ok. Um. Yes. Me, too, bro. I'm more fucked up than I even realize. It kinda bothers me. How much I've dumbed myself down, unintentionally. Ok. Enough of this. I'm through for now.