(no subject)
Well I think I figured out my problem. Though the people reading this will probably say to themselves, "JESUS, Lauren!"
I'm not over Navid. I thought I was, but I'm not. I dream about him sometimes. Nothing on the sexual side, just...dreams. The last one, we were both in a dancing competition. For some reason, it made me feel a lot better because we were together for a brief period of time, even in my mind.
Gah, this really sucks. I don't think I can express how much this sucks. Whats even worse STILL is that I compare everyone to him. No one matches up. I still push people away though. I pushed him away, made it seem like everyone else was more important than he was. Told him about my hopes for going to college in PA, college in SC. Made it seem like I wanted to get away from him. But I was thinking about it...
I think the reason I did that was because I just waiting for him to protest against me leaving. What I wanted was to hear him say flat out, "I need you to be here. For me." What I didn't realize is that he was saying that, I just wasn't listening. Another thing thats bad is that I don't think I miss him so much as I miss what we had. The way he loved me was like..wow. He's also the only one Ive ever told about the overwhelming feeling that I get when I love someone A LOT. And I had that feeling with him. I had that feeling with him so many times, and he told me he had that feeling for me too. The way I see it, hes right. I fucked up. And its over.
But I'm glad its over. He's on the search for someone else who can make him happier than I can. Someone as fucked up as me. I haven't been happy since I was with him anyway. Things have just gone downhill. Ish helped me through the worst part, and I'm grateful for him, but no one matches up to Navid. And it fucking sucks. It really does.
If I had known that Navid cared that much about what had happened, I would've apologized a long time ago. I did slap him, on good grounds. But he had a reason for saying what he said to get that slap.
In time, Ill get through it. I should've done this a long time ago but Ill get over him now. Now that I admit it to myself that I haven't already.
(end of transmission)
I'm not over Navid. I thought I was, but I'm not. I dream about him sometimes. Nothing on the sexual side, just...dreams. The last one, we were both in a dancing competition. For some reason, it made me feel a lot better because we were together for a brief period of time, even in my mind.
Gah, this really sucks. I don't think I can express how much this sucks. Whats even worse STILL is that I compare everyone to him. No one matches up. I still push people away though. I pushed him away, made it seem like everyone else was more important than he was. Told him about my hopes for going to college in PA, college in SC. Made it seem like I wanted to get away from him. But I was thinking about it...
I think the reason I did that was because I just waiting for him to protest against me leaving. What I wanted was to hear him say flat out, "I need you to be here. For me." What I didn't realize is that he was saying that, I just wasn't listening. Another thing thats bad is that I don't think I miss him so much as I miss what we had. The way he loved me was like..wow. He's also the only one Ive ever told about the overwhelming feeling that I get when I love someone A LOT. And I had that feeling with him. I had that feeling with him so many times, and he told me he had that feeling for me too. The way I see it, hes right. I fucked up. And its over.
But I'm glad its over. He's on the search for someone else who can make him happier than I can. Someone as fucked up as me. I haven't been happy since I was with him anyway. Things have just gone downhill. Ish helped me through the worst part, and I'm grateful for him, but no one matches up to Navid. And it fucking sucks. It really does.
If I had known that Navid cared that much about what had happened, I would've apologized a long time ago. I did slap him, on good grounds. But he had a reason for saying what he said to get that slap.
In time, Ill get through it. I should've done this a long time ago but Ill get over him now. Now that I admit it to myself that I haven't already.
(end of transmission)