In which I state muh worries.
I am scared. Terrified really. I am going to go see Bryan tomorrow. I like him and I want things to go well but he still has a lot of descions to make and well any of then could end what would be a good relationship. He may decide that a baby is too much responsiblity for right now, or that the distance is too much to be bothered with. He may find him another girl, one who lives close by that is prettier than me and smart. *shakes head* I just don't know. I like him meaning I want to keep him but I don't know if that is possible. I'm scared to give too much of myself for fear that it'll all just end badly. I'm scared to hold back for fear that he will sense it and think me too cold. Then again I may worry for nothing. He could decide, and I hope he does, that the distance can be overcome and a family is something he wanted eventually anyways. Though I am far more used to things going wrong then things going right. Also I do not want to just let him do as he pleases only to have him decide he doesn't really want me. I will not make another Oni mistake. Oni was little more than a friend with benifits and that is something I refuse to have. I want some sort of commitment or it's meaningless. I can have a tryst with anyone I can't have a relationship with just anyone though. I need a raltionship though. I need a meanigful, loving relationship. It's high time I was with someone I could marry and spend the rest of my days with. Somone who will love me as much as I love him and will Love Autumn like his own daughter. If he is unsure and cannot make a descion I will decide for him same as I did last time. I have to move on not only for me but for Autumn. I don't want to move on though. I want to stop searching. *sigh*