just at work, not working right now
it’s weird to talk about, but I think I really like someone and I think that there’s actually a good chance at it being a great thing. the reason it’s so weird to talk about is that I’m usually so effusive over my new crushes, getting crushed way to quickly and living in reverie the rest of the time. with this, I’m cautious from the start and it’s not a conscious tactic. the possibilities of this only slowly came to me, and then all of a sudden he was there, this new and interesting option I had never considered yet had always seen. it’s so strange blah blah blah when it was right in front of your eyes the whole time, but I’m still not sure. it started more as a mild fascination and a small spark of a maybe, and even right now I’m not swooning and head over heels, but that almost proves to me more that it’s more real and more true than any of the others. I’m scared about liking him, I have so many reservations about him and his life and his friends and the things I’m going to have to do (or at least feel I’ll have to do and so will do them) and the whole situation, but when I think beyond all that all I see is a beautiful happiness. I can honestly see myself being happy with this guy, an honest happiness, a caring relationship with someone who cares and who will continue to care. it scares me so much. I’ve never seen him with a guy before, never even considered him gay, and I’m still not officially officially sure but I still know it, he smiles at me sometimes and it’s so cute and so earnest. I don’t know how comfortable he is with himself and his sexuality, but I feel he’s scared and alone too, and that I could really help him and be there for him, make him happier than he already is. I wonder if he thinks about me, I wonder if he thinks I’m cute. I’m already so scared of disappointing him. all I know is he’s a sweetheart, and I’m sure he’d love to cuddle, and hold hands at the movies, and take me out for lunch when he can. what do I do now? how do I go about this whole thing? I need some help or for him to make the first move. my shitty reaching out trying to connect is stupid and paltry at best. I think I can make him giggle, and did I mention he’s smart and knows about literature, yikes.
there’s too much to say, I feel like I’ve been out of the game for to long, I’m sexless and have no ability for anything, I’m worried I can’t fuck again, can’t love again, can’t be good for someone again, can’t be there like I want to be and that in the end my own laziness and depression will get the best of me and make me self sabotage the whole thing. on a level I’m not sure if I want myself to be happy, I surely want to be happy but on a deeper level do I want to spoil this so I can go on and feel bad about myself some more. I love to feel bad about myself because it feeds my depression, and I want to just feel like the world has shit on me so i can sulk and not feel guilty for sulking, so I can feel like my unhappiness isn’t my fault, isn’t a result of me being wrong or stupid or inadequate.
there’s too much to say, I feel like I’ve been out of the game for to long, I’m sexless and have no ability for anything, I’m worried I can’t fuck again, can’t love again, can’t be good for someone again, can’t be there like I want to be and that in the end my own laziness and depression will get the best of me and make me self sabotage the whole thing. on a level I’m not sure if I want myself to be happy, I surely want to be happy but on a deeper level do I want to spoil this so I can go on and feel bad about myself some more. I love to feel bad about myself because it feeds my depression, and I want to just feel like the world has shit on me so i can sulk and not feel guilty for sulking, so I can feel like my unhappiness isn’t my fault, isn’t a result of me being wrong or stupid or inadequate.