lovelorn, the sheep shorn
I turned in my last essay for class this semester, and despite looking forward to this day for weeks, on the drive home my mind started racing and a cloud began to follow me. I stopped at heb to get some beer because brian was busy and demmie never answered and it was going to be 7 in a little over an hour and I can't drive after 7 p.m. now because I have an occupational license. I've been out of weed for a while, and I haven't really been out in the last few weeks, not that I would've been out if I was free because this driving situation is killing my social life. before this I was hanging out at moonbeans every other day by myself, living and loving life. I can't even drive to the corner store without fear of getting thrown in jail again. and I know it's not that entirely that's getting me down, but I don't know what it is other than intrusive thoughts that intrude for no reason other than they can feel a huff coming on. summer is here apparently, and I'm going to get back to watching movies and reading for fun and going to bed alone every night. I have two free movie tickets and I want to save them for a good movie or good occasion. I had surgery on my left wrist, 5 stitches, 2 weeks in a cast, with surgery on the right wrist coming up in a month of so. I really was hedging all my bets that I might have bone cancer because I think it would give my life some direction. I'm really going to start writing poetry again, but I think I want to keep it off of here largely, just because I tend to write something here and never return to it to edit or build upon or anything. also, as I am now, I get mopey, and I get too transparent when talking about cute smiles and how they influence the movement of cheeks and I just feel everyone always knows who the fuck I'm talking about even though who I'm talking about changes. but nothing's changed for a while for me, I'm still stuck crushing on monoliths I build in my mind, monuments to my own foolish whimsy, but I'd rather respect his space than make a move and make a fool of myself in awkward rejection. and a fool of myself there's been aplenty. after my other wrist surgery I want to start doing some yard work cutting limbs and getting things in shape. I also want to start riding my bike since I can't drive. riding back all the way to my house is going to suck, but it's pretty much the only dependable option. it's exercise too, which I want to start again because I hate my body. I should join a gym because that's where all the straight acting gay guys are in the valley, pumping iron and pumping other things. that's a joke, because I would never join a gym, I'm too scared of all the gay bros. I am going to get back into my stretching regimen, it's the best thing for me, it makes me feel invigorated. I really want a big bowl of caldo tlalpeno for lunch tomorrow. I want too many things. another thing on that list is I want to go swimming in my pool. pizza is also always good. I haven't eaten dinner so I'm going to have a bowl or two of cereal. god bless. I really want to go out, get drunk, and dance real funky in a close little crowd. I really need to relace my shoes because I've been wearing my old broke ass pair and I look like a bum. not that I would usually care about that, but sometimes I like to look presentable. anyway, yes, I'm going to eat cereal, then cuddle with my baby dog because he likes to cuddle and isn't judgmental, although a bit smelly, but you overlook things like that for love. this was all a bit rambling but I churned it out really quick, don't hold it against me, my stream of consciousness has been a little dammed.