whew...
i think i have reached a new level of tired... am i ever...
it was hard to sleep last night... try as i did... sleep still didnt come easy...
after a very full and busy day at work and a 2 mile walk to enjoy the weather and just clear out my head... yep, more tired than i have been in a very long time...
i came home and stripped off my clothes... i had to go to the bathroom and on the throne i just sat... yes, sat... sat for so long my leg went numb, lol, lol... it fell fast asleep... geesh i hate that pins and needles feeling cuz i did need to wake that limb up, lol...
just spending a few minutes unwinding... Bethany is at Six Flags today with friends from work and will not be home anytime soon... so i have nothing planned tonight but to relax...
yea, lol, lol... relax... how funny that i should use that word because for a good part of my walk i was trying to figure out specifically, literally what that meant in respect to James...
Master Dennis says relax... and me... i dont even know how to... i am not being stupid here... really i am not... i just dont know what that really means...
are there things i shouldnt say... things i shouldnt do...
guess only i would spend real time thinking about this... trying to pay attention to every movement... every word...
simply cuz i do not know... how to "relax"...
this morning he stopped by my work on his way to work... when i had baked the cini minis i baked them so that 4 of them formed a little cake like thing... had 4 candles in my bag so when i seen him coming i got it out and the candles were lite when he came in...
and he smiles...
then i notice that he had shaved off his bad boy facial hair... i mentioned it... i reacted... gosh, i just couldnt help myself... i love that bad boy look that he had going on... no, no, no... i do not like him clean shaven at all...
he asked me to help him blow out his candles... i told him oh no he needed to make a wish and blow them out... they were his birthday candles... so he did...
he opened his card and present while he was with me... gosh, that is pure torture for me... i love giving gifts... just dont want to be there when the recipient opens them... but anyways... he smiled when he seen the collar and leash... black... silver chain... he told me he still had the red one that i gave him a couple years ago...
i told him i thought black would be a better color on him... he truly agreed...
then i asked him how his week was this week... did he have free time... busy tonight and tomorrow but not wednesday or thursday... so i remind him that he owes me a quiet night out... he says... with the collar and leash... i said... not thursday night... in time...
so its set... he shall stop by wednesday night and we shall go out thursday night...
before he left... i said oh my... let me give you my new phone number... and taking the card i gave to him i wrote it on the back...
ok... did i do ok... was i relaxed?
only i would feel the need to analyize this stuff... but knowing that i am such a failure at personal relationships... i dont have any confidence...
i try not to sweat things... not to even think about them...
i often think of what Master Dennis has been trying to teach me for so very long... dont think... do...
problem is... i dont know... what to do...
saddest thing is... thats a deeply true and accurate statement...
i just dont know...
it was hard to sleep last night... try as i did... sleep still didnt come easy...
after a very full and busy day at work and a 2 mile walk to enjoy the weather and just clear out my head... yep, more tired than i have been in a very long time...
i came home and stripped off my clothes... i had to go to the bathroom and on the throne i just sat... yes, sat... sat for so long my leg went numb, lol, lol... it fell fast asleep... geesh i hate that pins and needles feeling cuz i did need to wake that limb up, lol...
just spending a few minutes unwinding... Bethany is at Six Flags today with friends from work and will not be home anytime soon... so i have nothing planned tonight but to relax...
yea, lol, lol... relax... how funny that i should use that word because for a good part of my walk i was trying to figure out specifically, literally what that meant in respect to James...
Master Dennis says relax... and me... i dont even know how to... i am not being stupid here... really i am not... i just dont know what that really means...
are there things i shouldnt say... things i shouldnt do...
guess only i would spend real time thinking about this... trying to pay attention to every movement... every word...
simply cuz i do not know... how to "relax"...
this morning he stopped by my work on his way to work... when i had baked the cini minis i baked them so that 4 of them formed a little cake like thing... had 4 candles in my bag so when i seen him coming i got it out and the candles were lite when he came in...
and he smiles...
then i notice that he had shaved off his bad boy facial hair... i mentioned it... i reacted... gosh, i just couldnt help myself... i love that bad boy look that he had going on... no, no, no... i do not like him clean shaven at all...
he asked me to help him blow out his candles... i told him oh no he needed to make a wish and blow them out... they were his birthday candles... so he did...
he opened his card and present while he was with me... gosh, that is pure torture for me... i love giving gifts... just dont want to be there when the recipient opens them... but anyways... he smiled when he seen the collar and leash... black... silver chain... he told me he still had the red one that i gave him a couple years ago...
i told him i thought black would be a better color on him... he truly agreed...
then i asked him how his week was this week... did he have free time... busy tonight and tomorrow but not wednesday or thursday... so i remind him that he owes me a quiet night out... he says... with the collar and leash... i said... not thursday night... in time...
so its set... he shall stop by wednesday night and we shall go out thursday night...
before he left... i said oh my... let me give you my new phone number... and taking the card i gave to him i wrote it on the back...
ok... did i do ok... was i relaxed?
only i would feel the need to analyize this stuff... but knowing that i am such a failure at personal relationships... i dont have any confidence...
i try not to sweat things... not to even think about them...
i often think of what Master Dennis has been trying to teach me for so very long... dont think... do...
problem is... i dont know... what to do...
saddest thing is... thats a deeply true and accurate statement...
i just dont know...