Closing the Door Again
I'm somewhat regretting a decision I made in recent weeks. You know how I thought about writing my old friend Candice a while back? I think I mentioned recently how I brought myself to do it. I'm pretty sure it was within a week of my brother committing suicide, and I was of the mindset of, "If there's anything I want to say to someone, I should say it instead of sitting on my hands about it." ...because otherwise, it could be too late one day. So I thought I'd clear the air (and I think I titled the e-mail something like that too...). I e-mailed her, and I even explained my aforementioned logic as to why I was sending the message. Then I told her how I felt. I'm not sure if she got it. I concluded a couple of years ago that she'd blocked my e-mail address shortly after she moved out of our apartment, so if that's truly the case, then she might not have gotten the message at all.
Then I changed my username here and messaged everyone I decided to keep on my friends list (I think I got everyone at least), since when I changed my name, I set it to drop people who had added me as a friend. I did this because I'm slightly OCD and was bothered at seeing how I had something like 80 extra people having me added as a friend who don't use LiveJournal anymore. So I sent her a message on her old journal and let her know that I changed it. And I wrote an apology in the message because upon further inspection of the e-mail I'd sent her, my opening to the message (where I discussed Phillip) came off as disconnected and possibly harsh in tone. I'd even read the message over prior to sending it and thought, "This reads well," and sent it on without having anyone look it over, which is unlike me. I guess I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it.
No response from her. I figure she doesn't use that journal anymore, so maybe she didn't get that. Unless she did. I'm afraid to try to reach her in a surefire way, like through Facebook, if she has gotten either or both of the messages. If that's the case, then I may come off as pushy. I just want to be sure that she got the message. Otherwise, what's the point in trying? I know I can do all I can on my end, and then it's out of my hands. But I want to be sure that I've done all I can.
Part of me is regretting sending her that e-mail, if she did in fact receive it, because of the tone that I realized it may have began with. That tone could color the entire message differently. I just wanted her to know that I harbor no ill will, that I admit that I should have communicated more when we were roommates, and that I hoped she was well. Ideally, I'd like to be friends again, but you can't always get what you want. I just want her to know where I stand, and if she has any anger or any other kind of negative vibes over the past, maybe my reaching out could help to ease that. And maybe not. Like I said, I can only do all that I can do, and the rest is no longer up to me.
Anyone out there? Any thoughts?
Update 45ish minutes later: I decided to ask some friends online because I didn't know when LJ friends would respond. This stood out.
[14:32] Bindah!: At some point you just have to walk away and realize that some people aren't worth the time and effort and that she just doesn't want to be friends.
That feels right. I'm just going to leave it alone. If she got the messages, she knows how I feel and her silence more or less shows me how she feels (or she just doesn't know what to say, in which case, one day she will know, and then she'll say something, or she won't). If she didn't get the messages, then it's because she didn't want to know how I feel. So I'm closing that door. Or leaving it ajar, on the off-chance that my parenthetical note is true. Even so, I'm not going to sit and wait, but I'll be open if she reaches out.
Then I changed my username here and messaged everyone I decided to keep on my friends list (I think I got everyone at least), since when I changed my name, I set it to drop people who had added me as a friend. I did this because I'm slightly OCD and was bothered at seeing how I had something like 80 extra people having me added as a friend who don't use LiveJournal anymore. So I sent her a message on her old journal and let her know that I changed it. And I wrote an apology in the message because upon further inspection of the e-mail I'd sent her, my opening to the message (where I discussed Phillip) came off as disconnected and possibly harsh in tone. I'd even read the message over prior to sending it and thought, "This reads well," and sent it on without having anyone look it over, which is unlike me. I guess I didn't want anyone to talk me out of it.
No response from her. I figure she doesn't use that journal anymore, so maybe she didn't get that. Unless she did. I'm afraid to try to reach her in a surefire way, like through Facebook, if she has gotten either or both of the messages. If that's the case, then I may come off as pushy. I just want to be sure that she got the message. Otherwise, what's the point in trying? I know I can do all I can on my end, and then it's out of my hands. But I want to be sure that I've done all I can.
Part of me is regretting sending her that e-mail, if she did in fact receive it, because of the tone that I realized it may have began with. That tone could color the entire message differently. I just wanted her to know that I harbor no ill will, that I admit that I should have communicated more when we were roommates, and that I hoped she was well. Ideally, I'd like to be friends again, but you can't always get what you want. I just want her to know where I stand, and if she has any anger or any other kind of negative vibes over the past, maybe my reaching out could help to ease that. And maybe not. Like I said, I can only do all that I can do, and the rest is no longer up to me.
Anyone out there? Any thoughts?
Update 45ish minutes later: I decided to ask some friends online because I didn't know when LJ friends would respond. This stood out.
[14:32] Bindah!: At some point you just have to walk away and realize that some people aren't worth the time and effort and that she just doesn't want to be friends.
That feels right. I'm just going to leave it alone. If she got the messages, she knows how I feel and her silence more or less shows me how she feels (or she just doesn't know what to say, in which case, one day she will know, and then she'll say something, or she won't). If she didn't get the messages, then it's because she didn't want to know how I feel. So I'm closing that door. Or leaving it ajar, on the off-chance that my parenthetical note is true. Even so, I'm not going to sit and wait, but I'll be open if she reaches out.