Rest in Peace
It's been a while since I updated. I would have said something on Thursday, but it felt in poor taste to do so. My youngest brother Phillip took his own life Thursday, February 23rd at approximately 2:11PM. I may post about the details in a friends-only entry, or I may not post about them at all. Usually I document things so that I'll remember, but I feel certain this is something I won't forget.
I'm okay. People keep asking, in various ways, how I'm doing. I'm about how one would expect. I saw him three days before he died. AJ and I were just leaving town after a weekend of baby showers. We had a group hug that I think I may have cut short because I was worried about the snow we were supposed to have gotten in WV over the weekend (but we later found that the roads were fine and there was absolutely no sign of snow at our house when we got home). I don't know if I apologized to him at the time. Usually if I was short with him, I apologized.
I know I wasn't the perfect sister, but I know I did the best I could. I'm letting go of guilt as best as I can because I know that I did all that I could (sorry for being redundant). It's gone from me feeling guilty over not saving him to feeling guilty over not having the ability to do so. I cry sometimes. I cried on the way to work this morning. It's my first day back to work since it happened. I cried a little during the workday. Something a client said reminded me of him. I'm worried about how I'm going to handle being a counselor during my last six weeks as one. I've considered quitting earlier than planned. As of right now, my last day is at the end of the second week of April. Maybe I'll bump that up. At the same time, I don't know if I'll be better off sitting at home by myself while AJ is at work. It's probably best to keep myself occupied and to try to maintain as much of my normal routines as possible. For example, we're having another baby shower this Saturday at our house. I had thought about canceling it in light of this, but then I thought that I have to keep up with routines, or else I'll reach an unhealthy stage. So the shower is still on. As it stands right now, I think I'm handling this in a healthy way. It's been six days. Understandably, I am grieving. I have no idea when this will go away, or if it even will. I know it never completely does, and I'm okay with that. Why would I want to forget my brother? I just don't want the pain that comes with remembering him. I want to be past that. I just want to remember him.
I'm okay. People keep asking, in various ways, how I'm doing. I'm about how one would expect. I saw him three days before he died. AJ and I were just leaving town after a weekend of baby showers. We had a group hug that I think I may have cut short because I was worried about the snow we were supposed to have gotten in WV over the weekend (but we later found that the roads were fine and there was absolutely no sign of snow at our house when we got home). I don't know if I apologized to him at the time. Usually if I was short with him, I apologized.
I know I wasn't the perfect sister, but I know I did the best I could. I'm letting go of guilt as best as I can because I know that I did all that I could (sorry for being redundant). It's gone from me feeling guilty over not saving him to feeling guilty over not having the ability to do so. I cry sometimes. I cried on the way to work this morning. It's my first day back to work since it happened. I cried a little during the workday. Something a client said reminded me of him. I'm worried about how I'm going to handle being a counselor during my last six weeks as one. I've considered quitting earlier than planned. As of right now, my last day is at the end of the second week of April. Maybe I'll bump that up. At the same time, I don't know if I'll be better off sitting at home by myself while AJ is at work. It's probably best to keep myself occupied and to try to maintain as much of my normal routines as possible. For example, we're having another baby shower this Saturday at our house. I had thought about canceling it in light of this, but then I thought that I have to keep up with routines, or else I'll reach an unhealthy stage. So the shower is still on. As it stands right now, I think I'm handling this in a healthy way. It's been six days. Understandably, I am grieving. I have no idea when this will go away, or if it even will. I know it never completely does, and I'm okay with that. Why would I want to forget my brother? I just don't want the pain that comes with remembering him. I want to be past that. I just want to remember him.