What PTSD does to me
It's not a secret. I have been very open about the fact that I had PTSD. For those few who do not know what PTSD is I will tell you. PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. No, it's not just for veterans anymore. I aquired this lovely "issue" from living with narcissists for over 39 years. Being treated like I was property, being told I was never good enough, being kept saddled with massive amounts of "responsibility" that should never have been mine even as a young child, being made to have to "read" people and figure out if I'm "doing it right" for fear of retaliation that was sometimes just brutal but most of the time it was a complete and utter mental mind fuck. The biggest problem that my abusers had was that I was taught at a very early age that I could do ANYTHING I wanted to do and that I was special. Fortunately for me, that stuck with me(Thank the goddess for my grandmother who is the one who taught me this!) and I refused(most of the time) to believe that they were right. I always believed that there was something better out there for me I just had to find it.
What has this left me with? It's left me broken. It's not something I talk about much. I don't like people thinking I need help or that I am incompetent. That was part of my "training". I needed to be self sufficient AND able to take care of others and anticipate their needs. I have days when I'm ok and I can handle anything life throws at me. But then I have days when my brain just shuts down to save itself from the pain/heartbreak/horror that I feel when things get brought up that I can't deal with. I REGULARLY have flashbacks to things that people have said or done to me that have cut me to the core. They aren't hallucinations, they're real memories that I can't escape. No amount of meditation, calming exercises, etc helps. YES, I COULD take antidepressants but the problem with antidepressants is that not ONLY do they numb that pain but they numb everything else too. I am then essentially nothing but a walking zombie. Is that really fair to me or to the people I love that I need to be a walking zombie so that I can be "level" most of the time because someone else did awful things to me?
I also have "triggers". Those are things that push my mental state into a bad place. Things that can make me go from perfectly fine to complete bitch in 2.2 seconds.
When people constantly second guess me like I'm stupid.
When people speak to me like they're "above me" or know more than me.
When people get into my personal space when I'm having a heated discussion with them about something.
When people threaten my physical well being or the well being of those I love because I disagree with them.
When people correct me when I'm speaking
When people are angry with me because I am not "doing it right" but haven't told me exactly how they want it
There's lots of others but those are just a few. These things are called triggers for a reason. They trigger something in me that sets me on edge and can put me into a state where I can't always control what comes out of my mouth. I try very hard to behave but sometimes they fight part of my "fight or flight" reaction takes over and it's not a pleasant experience for anyone involved when that happens.
People do not understand why I am the way I am. They think that I am "anti social" or that I dislike other people in general because I'm not overly social and I severely dislike public situations like parties. Let me explain. Public functions are one of the places that I was humiliated for my inability to "do things right". My narcissists(BOTH of them!) would go to public functions and talk about me like I wasn't standing right next to them. About what a shitty child I was, all the horrible things I did, how crappy of a wife I was, what a shitty housekeeper I was, what a pain in their ass I was, etc etc. I was ritually humiliated on a regular basis to keep me "in line". To show others how badly I was "behaving" or how shitty I was "doing my job" so that I would understand "my place". So no, I don't like public functions with people that I don't know because quite frankly, I am always nervous that I will be the victim of ritual humiliation again. It makes me have flashbacks and it makes my nerves stand on edge. If I DO show up at a family function it's taken a LOT of willpower to overcome my "fight or flight" reaction and my initial reaction in that mode is always flight. So when I show up for shit, understand that my first reaction to your invitation was to politely decline or come up with some other excuse for why I couldn't come.