Ahhh!
Warm tears make their way down my sun-kissed cheeks. It is 3:59 am and I cannot sleep. I am being overcome by a colossal wave of emotion. I don’t know what to do with myself. Where do I go from here? Where will I be happy? I don’t know which choice is the right one. I’m beginning to wonder whether there even is a right choice. I’m beginning to think that all of my choices are wrong and I am to forever carry this void in my soul. How can I salvage this damaged entity and incubate its growth? Where will my soul blossom best? I feel limited by the limitless options that present themselves. Everything has an equal number of pros as cons. Descisions, descisions. I need a sign. I am taken over by the beast of fear and worry. I am not ready to go back to the city of sin. I am not clean yet. I need time to think my life through. How much time could I possibly need? I’ve been thinking things through for over a year now. That should have been sufficient, and yet it hasn’t been. Should I let the power of omens lead me to my choice again? Was that the right choice to begin with? Is this what I needed at the time? What do I need right now? Guidance and wisdom are what I need. But I am being pulled in so many different directions. Each path leads to very different things. All of the paths require one key thing of me: sacrifice. Am I willing to give up one thing that is important to me for another thing that I feel is important as well? Nothing seems to be working in my favor. I’m not used to making such large sacrifices. I feel like Abraham sacrificing his son - yet instead of a son, I am sacrificing a piece of myself. No matter what, I know I will end up missing whatever it is that I choose to sacrifice. Above all, I am afraid of regretting the choice that I will eventually make. Regret is one of the worst feelings on earth, next to guilt. Regret is a never-ending pain that throbs from deep within. I have felt this pain too many times and I am not ready to deal with its disenchanting sting again.