(no subject)
I know I never post anything long and crazy on here anymore, but the father of my child has access to all my other accounts so this is the only place I have to vent about this issue.
For those of you that have my facebook you've probably seen my long status about my life falling apart and how I'm picking the pieces up. I know now all the mistakes I have made, and how much I've really had my head in the sand. I've hurt a lot of people, and let a lot of you down. I made decisions and did things that are unforgivable. It took having someone severely hurt me for everything to become apparent.
I'm going to start from the beginning, or where I think the problem started to get outta hand ............
I had issues before I started dating John, we all know that. I should have listened to Kerith when she said it was great someone could make me happy part of the time, but that I deserved to be happy all the time. The first time he hurt my feelings we were not even dating at the time. Instead I kinda whored myself out and slept with him way sooner than I should have. In the 2 years I was with him, I've been informed that I changed dramatically. I became a push over, my self confidence took a huge nose dive, I've had tons of broken bones, and how much my mind has been damaged. I let my friends down by choosing him over them. By choosing to believe the lies he told me, and by putting myself in seclusion.
I finally left John on June 7th, 2008. Which is probably the smartest thing I ever did. But I still left all the wounds open. I was a broken shell of a person. I cried for weeks on end, and being the idiot I was I still talked and texted with him. I never really broke the hold he had on me. I tried to date, but it seemed like no one was John. I compared everything and everyone to him. I told everyone I was putting my life back together, but it was a lie. I wanted to go back up to the UP and be with John so badly.
In Nov 2008 I met Matt. I had no clue then how much my life would change or how much someone could really hurt me. I had a few happy months. Then at the end of Jan his dad died. Shortly after he dumped me. But did I let it end there, no I like pain way to much. We still had sex, and I was delusional enough to believe that something good might happen as long as I was still in the picture. I was still seeming John on and off. How fucked up could I really let things get?
I knew I was pregnant right away. I also had no doubt that Matt was the father. I can still remember the week Ayden was conceived. I hid my pregnancy for the first 3 months from everyone downstate. I told Matt, and he took off. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I had depended on John for so long I told him thinking he may help me. Instead he told me I was an idiot and needed to have an abortion, and that I was going to be a horrible mom. That was finally the straw that broke me when it comes to him. I deleted him off of everything, changed my phone number, and pretty much cut every tie we ever had. Smart thing to do, but so hard. I knew I was going to keep my baby so I had to knuckle down and start getting things in order.
I was pretty much alone for the first 5 months. I was sick all the time, lost about 20lbs. The stress almost killed me. Then just before my 20week ultra sound, I texted Matt and told him that I couldn't wait to suck him dry with child support. That got his attention. He then decided to become a part of his child's life, and at the time I thought mine too. The next few months went by pretty good, with only my crazy normal stuff going on. Then on the 2nd of this month I had Ayden and I truly though we were going to be a family.
On friday the entire illusion came falling down. I learned the entire time (nov 2008 to sept 2009) I was either cheated on or was the other woman. All the lies came down on me at once. His family covered all the lies, they all knew, and could look me in the face and be nice to me. His mom even had the nerve to tell me Matt needed to take a paternity test because she wasn't sure I was the faithful one! I cornered Matt in all his lies, and somehow wound up proving to his family he was a liar in the process.
My heart is still pretty shattered. But I dunno how I can continue on with a lot of those things on my mind. I know that I do love Matt, and I made the choice to give him a second chance. But this chance comes with lots of conditions. I pretty much "own" his cell phone and am screening his texts and emails for now. He told me he loves me and wants to try and take things slowly so that we can be a family for Ayden. I know he's not the best of "decision" makers so I've taken most of the decisions outta his hands.
I am filing for bankruptcy because I let my business/financial life get completely outta hand. I have debtors that are threatening to file suits against me. I already know I have enough debt, and Ayden deserved a fresh start.
I've never really had someone depend solely on me. So this is a hugely new experience for me. But I know that I am going to bust my ass in every way possible to make sure that Ayden has a better life the I did. I will do anything to make Ayden happy, no matter what it does to me.
I guess to finish this hugely long post, I really wanna say I'm sorry to all the people that I've hurt in anyway these last 4 to 5 years. I know the things I've done are horrible, but I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.
For those of you that have my facebook you've probably seen my long status about my life falling apart and how I'm picking the pieces up. I know now all the mistakes I have made, and how much I've really had my head in the sand. I've hurt a lot of people, and let a lot of you down. I made decisions and did things that are unforgivable. It took having someone severely hurt me for everything to become apparent.
I'm going to start from the beginning, or where I think the problem started to get outta hand ............
I had issues before I started dating John, we all know that. I should have listened to Kerith when she said it was great someone could make me happy part of the time, but that I deserved to be happy all the time. The first time he hurt my feelings we were not even dating at the time. Instead I kinda whored myself out and slept with him way sooner than I should have. In the 2 years I was with him, I've been informed that I changed dramatically. I became a push over, my self confidence took a huge nose dive, I've had tons of broken bones, and how much my mind has been damaged. I let my friends down by choosing him over them. By choosing to believe the lies he told me, and by putting myself in seclusion.
I finally left John on June 7th, 2008. Which is probably the smartest thing I ever did. But I still left all the wounds open. I was a broken shell of a person. I cried for weeks on end, and being the idiot I was I still talked and texted with him. I never really broke the hold he had on me. I tried to date, but it seemed like no one was John. I compared everything and everyone to him. I told everyone I was putting my life back together, but it was a lie. I wanted to go back up to the UP and be with John so badly.
In Nov 2008 I met Matt. I had no clue then how much my life would change or how much someone could really hurt me. I had a few happy months. Then at the end of Jan his dad died. Shortly after he dumped me. But did I let it end there, no I like pain way to much. We still had sex, and I was delusional enough to believe that something good might happen as long as I was still in the picture. I was still seeming John on and off. How fucked up could I really let things get?
I knew I was pregnant right away. I also had no doubt that Matt was the father. I can still remember the week Ayden was conceived. I hid my pregnancy for the first 3 months from everyone downstate. I told Matt, and he took off. It was one of the hardest times in my life. I had depended on John for so long I told him thinking he may help me. Instead he told me I was an idiot and needed to have an abortion, and that I was going to be a horrible mom. That was finally the straw that broke me when it comes to him. I deleted him off of everything, changed my phone number, and pretty much cut every tie we ever had. Smart thing to do, but so hard. I knew I was going to keep my baby so I had to knuckle down and start getting things in order.
I was pretty much alone for the first 5 months. I was sick all the time, lost about 20lbs. The stress almost killed me. Then just before my 20week ultra sound, I texted Matt and told him that I couldn't wait to suck him dry with child support. That got his attention. He then decided to become a part of his child's life, and at the time I thought mine too. The next few months went by pretty good, with only my crazy normal stuff going on. Then on the 2nd of this month I had Ayden and I truly though we were going to be a family.
On friday the entire illusion came falling down. I learned the entire time (nov 2008 to sept 2009) I was either cheated on or was the other woman. All the lies came down on me at once. His family covered all the lies, they all knew, and could look me in the face and be nice to me. His mom even had the nerve to tell me Matt needed to take a paternity test because she wasn't sure I was the faithful one! I cornered Matt in all his lies, and somehow wound up proving to his family he was a liar in the process.
My heart is still pretty shattered. But I dunno how I can continue on with a lot of those things on my mind. I know that I do love Matt, and I made the choice to give him a second chance. But this chance comes with lots of conditions. I pretty much "own" his cell phone and am screening his texts and emails for now. He told me he loves me and wants to try and take things slowly so that we can be a family for Ayden. I know he's not the best of "decision" makers so I've taken most of the decisions outta his hands.
I am filing for bankruptcy because I let my business/financial life get completely outta hand. I have debtors that are threatening to file suits against me. I already know I have enough debt, and Ayden deserved a fresh start.
I've never really had someone depend solely on me. So this is a hugely new experience for me. But I know that I am going to bust my ass in every way possible to make sure that Ayden has a better life the I did. I will do anything to make Ayden happy, no matter what it does to me.
I guess to finish this hugely long post, I really wanna say I'm sorry to all the people that I've hurt in anyway these last 4 to 5 years. I know the things I've done are horrible, but I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive me.