5 years.....
It's been 5 years.....5 years.... and it still hurts as if it were yesterday.... I'm sitting at my office trying to NOT focus on the reality of what today is but I have finally just broken down...it's been a difficult few weeks and today it's starting to overwhelm me. Today in 2005 my sister found my dad brutally murdered in his apartment. And today in 2009 we STILL HAVE NO JUSTICE.... How is this possible? You would think with all the technology in this world that something anything could point us and lead us to his killers. As I try to compose myself I'm really trying to let ALL THE ANGER I'M HOLDING INSIDE OF ME. I really but a part of me WILL NOT ALLOW IT. I don't want to be vindictive and what I teach my kids that I work with is 2 wrongs don't make a right. But why don't I take my own advice? I want to see these assholes killed. I want the death penalty, I want them to feel the pain my dad felt when they brutally killed him with no regard for him and or my family. I want them to know agony, I want the to feel it with every ounce and breathe in my body and being. And then I ask myself the question? If that were to occur, would it make me feel better? I say it would for that moment but it wouldn't bring my father back......
*breathing* exhale.....
if this wasn't enough to deal with, I've been living like a gypsy again from one place to the next and I've been "house sitting" for my sis whose been out of town for the past month and I got to say it's been great having "my own space". Not having to worry about anyone or anything while being alone and taking in the solitude. But today, as i drove to pick up my mom from the house we live in to take her work, she sat in the car and blurted it out, "I DON't WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE ELLIE, I WANT TO DIE, I'M ALL ALONE I WANT TO DIE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" I immediately started to get angry at what she had said and talked to her as I talked to all my kids here at work. And told her what do you mean you want to die? and she went on to say that no one cares about her anymore that she has 4 daughters and I'm the only one that cares, and that when she tries to call my other sisters they get annoyed at her calling them, that they get bothered. And I told her because it's gotten to the point where she was ALWAYS calling for no reason. And leaving messages just to leave them not for a specific reason over and over again and it became too much for them to deal with. But I told her what do you mean you want to die? you know that many people who are dying now WISH they had the chance to live. You have so much to live for? Why are u saying this? I couldn't comprehend it.... i still can't . I mean i understand that she feels alone but to the point to want to die?
I honestly feel overwhelmed about this and i feel overwhelmed about a lot of issues and people right now in my life. I feel like I need a TIME OUT. Like i need to get away. But there's so many people depending on me that it's extremely hard to do that. I started going back to school and trying to finish my education which I've so desperately had to put in the back burner BECAUSE i had to worry about everyone else and it became too much too handle them but i can't let these issues arising push me back again.
I finally got the letter I was waiting for. I'm going to have the surgery I need for my knee. I tore my meniscus in Oct playing football with the kids at work and I gotta say I'm a bit frightened. I remember the last time I had surgery was when I had the tumor on my left arm. I remember every detail of that operation and I was 10. The worst part of this operation is thinking that something might go wrong. What if....
I'm going to try not to think about it. But the thing that really affects me the most is having to take the time off to heal and not be at work with my kids, and let me tell you other that I NEVER EVER TAKE TIME OFF FROM WORK. EVER. It's my passion, it's my life, it's what I look forward to everyday when I wake up. To come and see all the 195 kids I have in my program. I think that because of this job I have here with these kids at this school I'm able to make it through everyday of my life. When things get hard I think of my kids here. My kids were here for me throughout every hardship I've had to deal with these past couple of years even when my father was murdered 4years ago. I love what I do, I love my kids. God, give me the strength and power to get through all that's to come and help my mom realize what she says. Have my sisters be a bit more compassionate to my mother's feelings. It's hard when you're the oldest child in the family, trying to make sure you're family stays together....it's been one of the hardest things for me to make happen and keep together.
May you be resting in peace Daddy. I miss you more as everyday goes by. It gets harder everyday but know that no matter what happens I will bring JUSTICE to you one day.
*breathing* exhale.....
if this wasn't enough to deal with, I've been living like a gypsy again from one place to the next and I've been "house sitting" for my sis whose been out of town for the past month and I got to say it's been great having "my own space". Not having to worry about anyone or anything while being alone and taking in the solitude. But today, as i drove to pick up my mom from the house we live in to take her work, she sat in the car and blurted it out, "I DON't WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE ELLIE, I WANT TO DIE, I'M ALL ALONE I WANT TO DIE, I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE!" I immediately started to get angry at what she had said and talked to her as I talked to all my kids here at work. And told her what do you mean you want to die? and she went on to say that no one cares about her anymore that she has 4 daughters and I'm the only one that cares, and that when she tries to call my other sisters they get annoyed at her calling them, that they get bothered. And I told her because it's gotten to the point where she was ALWAYS calling for no reason. And leaving messages just to leave them not for a specific reason over and over again and it became too much for them to deal with. But I told her what do you mean you want to die? you know that many people who are dying now WISH they had the chance to live. You have so much to live for? Why are u saying this? I couldn't comprehend it.... i still can't . I mean i understand that she feels alone but to the point to want to die?
I honestly feel overwhelmed about this and i feel overwhelmed about a lot of issues and people right now in my life. I feel like I need a TIME OUT. Like i need to get away. But there's so many people depending on me that it's extremely hard to do that. I started going back to school and trying to finish my education which I've so desperately had to put in the back burner BECAUSE i had to worry about everyone else and it became too much too handle them but i can't let these issues arising push me back again.
I finally got the letter I was waiting for. I'm going to have the surgery I need for my knee. I tore my meniscus in Oct playing football with the kids at work and I gotta say I'm a bit frightened. I remember the last time I had surgery was when I had the tumor on my left arm. I remember every detail of that operation and I was 10. The worst part of this operation is thinking that something might go wrong. What if....
I'm going to try not to think about it. But the thing that really affects me the most is having to take the time off to heal and not be at work with my kids, and let me tell you other that I NEVER EVER TAKE TIME OFF FROM WORK. EVER. It's my passion, it's my life, it's what I look forward to everyday when I wake up. To come and see all the 195 kids I have in my program. I think that because of this job I have here with these kids at this school I'm able to make it through everyday of my life. When things get hard I think of my kids here. My kids were here for me throughout every hardship I've had to deal with these past couple of years even when my father was murdered 4years ago. I love what I do, I love my kids. God, give me the strength and power to get through all that's to come and help my mom realize what she says. Have my sisters be a bit more compassionate to my mother's feelings. It's hard when you're the oldest child in the family, trying to make sure you're family stays together....it's been one of the hardest things for me to make happen and keep together.
May you be resting in peace Daddy. I miss you more as everyday goes by. It gets harder everyday but know that no matter what happens I will bring JUSTICE to you one day.