Don't read this if you're in a lousy mood.
[ although, i feel like i never really got to know you.
and i hate it. because i know its partly mostly my fault. ]
so, I'm looking through everyone's livejournal stuff (Carlos, I love you. You will be fine at UNCG and I know you hate it right now, right now it probably is a step down from NCSSM, but it will get better.) and I find myself becoming more and more jealous. I wish I could post an annoying class schedule, or rant about a teacher or my roommate playing music too loud. I'm stuck in a rut out of college. I couldn't afford a semester at a damn community college because I had to pay bills with the 600 dollars I'd worked so hard for, saved up, to go to college this semester. I hate myself for staying in the job I'm at. I hate myself for leaving college in the first place, but I really couldn't stay there. I miss school so much it hurts, but at the same time I can't imagine being back on a college campus. And I have no idea how I am to pay for it even if I went back.
I miss having friends. I have three friends in Greenville; my neighbors, Justin and Wes, who are amazing people but they are older than i am and have their own life and problems. And Josh, who I don't hang out with at all really, because of my boyfriend's protectiveness. I miss everyone, Carrie, Derek, Lauren, Aly, Britt, Casey, Cass, Kristal, Claudia, Carlos, and so many more people who I talked to occasionally. I realize that its my fault for losing you all, for leaving like i did, for not keeping in touch, calling, emailing, visiting. I hate myself because I'm not there to find out who's fighting with who, who needs a friend to talk to, who got a new tattoo and where its at, what everyone is taking in school. I wish I could see your new apartment, Britt, and maybe leave a little mark like that heart I drew on your windshield. I wish I could pet the kitties. I'd love to fuss about not being able to get around Asheville, or compare teacher notes. I miss running back to my room fifteen minutes after twelve so the SLIs didn't give me a level. Or complaing about PFM food. Dominoes pizza, and ALL of that Chinese food. And I don't know what I miss more, UNCA, NCSSM, or just being around people... Maybe I keep myself from making new friends because I couldn't stand leaving and losing more friends, blaming myself, etc. I don't know...
I hope all of you have a wonderful semester in college. I know you'll have fun, frustration, all that stuff. eh, what am I trying to say here. oh well.
I'd say something like, "keep in touch!" but I know you won't. And why should you, I don't.
And though I really don't show it, I love you all. And I'm going to hate the day when its not even my place to say that.
and i hate it. because i know its partly mostly my fault. ]
so, I'm looking through everyone's livejournal stuff (Carlos, I love you. You will be fine at UNCG and I know you hate it right now, right now it probably is a step down from NCSSM, but it will get better.) and I find myself becoming more and more jealous. I wish I could post an annoying class schedule, or rant about a teacher or my roommate playing music too loud. I'm stuck in a rut out of college. I couldn't afford a semester at a damn community college because I had to pay bills with the 600 dollars I'd worked so hard for, saved up, to go to college this semester. I hate myself for staying in the job I'm at. I hate myself for leaving college in the first place, but I really couldn't stay there. I miss school so much it hurts, but at the same time I can't imagine being back on a college campus. And I have no idea how I am to pay for it even if I went back.
I miss having friends. I have three friends in Greenville; my neighbors, Justin and Wes, who are amazing people but they are older than i am and have their own life and problems. And Josh, who I don't hang out with at all really, because of my boyfriend's protectiveness. I miss everyone, Carrie, Derek, Lauren, Aly, Britt, Casey, Cass, Kristal, Claudia, Carlos, and so many more people who I talked to occasionally. I realize that its my fault for losing you all, for leaving like i did, for not keeping in touch, calling, emailing, visiting. I hate myself because I'm not there to find out who's fighting with who, who needs a friend to talk to, who got a new tattoo and where its at, what everyone is taking in school. I wish I could see your new apartment, Britt, and maybe leave a little mark like that heart I drew on your windshield. I wish I could pet the kitties. I'd love to fuss about not being able to get around Asheville, or compare teacher notes. I miss running back to my room fifteen minutes after twelve so the SLIs didn't give me a level. Or complaing about PFM food. Dominoes pizza, and ALL of that Chinese food. And I don't know what I miss more, UNCA, NCSSM, or just being around people... Maybe I keep myself from making new friends because I couldn't stand leaving and losing more friends, blaming myself, etc. I don't know...
I hope all of you have a wonderful semester in college. I know you'll have fun, frustration, all that stuff. eh, what am I trying to say here. oh well.
I'd say something like, "keep in touch!" but I know you won't. And why should you, I don't.
And though I really don't show it, I love you all. And I'm going to hate the day when its not even my place to say that.