There were some spelling mistakes that threw me for a loop (one of the spelling mistakes was "personal" instead of "personnel" when the doctor was talking and "fail" instead of "flail").
Also, I don't think that the hospital will really throw them out with a stipulation that they have to be out there within half an hour. She should know that arranging these matters takes time and half an hour (especially in a crisis where transportation is mostly down) is hardly enough time to do anything. If she did, she would be probably be addressing Aseop (also, there's inconsistency with the name, I think Lucy thinks of him as Asoef?) rather than the kid. And seriously? there should be dozens of "old dudes" and "young guys" in the hospital in the chaos. I hardly think that it's descriptive enough to instantly tag these two. Knowing hospital personnel, they'll probably sooner tag these two as "self-inflicted gunshot wound - shoulder" and "gunshot wound - leg".
The other thing is, I don't really get why Matt would choose to divulge that particular part of his past in such detail to Gabriel. I mean, I get that he's on gunpoint but I would expect more hesitancy in the spilling of details.
The shifting viewpoints are kinda jarring at first but I really enjoyed the story. I don't think anyone wrote a chaotic aftermath story yet. The ones that I read mostly glossed over the immediate aftermath of the Firesale. More please?
First thank you so much for reviewing, especially constructive criticism. Sorry about Asoef, I thought I had double checked that but missed it.
Yeah I wanted to be realistic with the hospital scene. The truth is that even if they had never managed transport the hospital wouldn't have kicked them out, not completely. They might have lost their bed but a spot somewhere would have been found. Harried Woman didn't know Bowman (Asoef) relationship with them or what kind of pull he has. Harried Woman has probably been ordering people to leave all night that aren't. Also the tags--first I never established if Harried Woman knew the gunshot was self inflicted but I know that the paramedics were informing her that they were our two heroes of the piece. The bag tags were for her to keep straight and for Lucy not for the entire hospital staff, that's why she had them on her.
As to the Gabriel thing, there were several reasons: stalling, both Lucy and Matt could see the purpose of a good stall.
Second reason, Matt was willing to do an awful lot for survival if it meant himself, it's not a big leap to talking about it when forced to. Gabriel already knew all the details, Matt could probably tell from the way he was saying things. Gabriel didn't want Matt to tell him because he didn't know, he wanted Matt back in that same state of mind. Gabriel was telling Matt how far he would go, which is all the way.
Third reason, Lucy. If he hesitated too long Gabriel's attention might shift back to Lucy. By drawing it out a bit, he stalls but keeps the attention on him.
Fourth reason (yes I know there's a lot, but I wrote this scene first in my head so I've thought about it a lot), it just doesn't seem like a big deal. He's had what happened to him, spread all over the newspapers, testified at trial, rehashed it in support groups and state mandated thearpy. It's just not a big deal to tell a van full of strangers.
Sorry about the viewpoints, I kinda liked it like that, I've never liked the whole *John's POV* thing, but maybe I should try and make it a little smoother.
I want to thank you again for the constructive criticism, I'm going to go see if I can edit those words.
I kinda liked the viewpoints too. =P It is a bit of an abrupt shift the first time it happened. I think after a while, I got used to it.
About the bags thing...okay cool. I didn't realize that. The whole hospital thing just threw me off for a loop. I couldn't imagine her throwing them out of the hospital or anyone tagging the bags that way for the personnels. Thanks for clarifying.
Also, I don't think that the hospital will really throw them out with a stipulation that they have to be out there within half an hour. She should know that arranging these matters takes time and half an hour (especially in a crisis where transportation is mostly down) is hardly enough time to do anything. If she did, she would be probably be addressing Aseop (also, there's inconsistency with the name, I think Lucy thinks of him as Asoef?) rather than the kid. And seriously? there should be dozens of "old dudes" and "young guys" in the hospital in the chaos. I hardly think that it's descriptive enough to instantly tag these two. Knowing hospital personnel, they'll probably sooner tag these two as "self-inflicted gunshot wound - shoulder" and "gunshot wound - leg".
The other thing is, I don't really get why Matt would choose to divulge that particular part of his past in such detail to Gabriel. I mean, I get that he's on gunpoint but I would expect more hesitancy in the spilling of details.
The shifting viewpoints are kinda jarring at first but I really enjoyed the story. I don't think anyone wrote a chaotic aftermath story yet. The ones that I read mostly glossed over the immediate aftermath of the Firesale. More please?
Reply
Yeah I wanted to be realistic with the hospital scene. The truth is that even if they had never managed transport the hospital wouldn't have kicked them out, not completely. They might have lost their bed but a spot somewhere would have been found. Harried Woman didn't know Bowman (Asoef) relationship with them or what kind of pull he has. Harried Woman has probably been ordering people to leave all night that aren't. Also the tags--first I never established if Harried Woman knew the gunshot was self inflicted but I know that the paramedics were informing her that they were our two heroes of the piece. The bag tags were for her to keep straight and for Lucy not for the entire hospital staff, that's why she had them on her.
As to the Gabriel thing, there were several reasons: stalling, both Lucy and Matt could see the purpose of a good stall.
Second reason, Matt was willing to do an awful lot for survival if it meant himself, it's not a big leap to talking about it when forced to. Gabriel already knew all the details, Matt could probably tell from the way he was saying things. Gabriel didn't want Matt to tell him because he didn't know, he wanted Matt back in that same state of mind. Gabriel was telling Matt how far he would go, which is all the way.
Third reason, Lucy. If he hesitated too long Gabriel's attention might shift back to Lucy. By drawing it out a bit, he stalls but keeps the attention on him.
Fourth reason (yes I know there's a lot, but I wrote this scene first in my head so I've thought about it a lot), it just doesn't seem like a big deal. He's had what happened to him, spread all over the newspapers, testified at trial, rehashed it in support groups and state mandated thearpy. It's just not a big deal to tell a van full of strangers.
Sorry about the viewpoints, I kinda liked it like that, I've never liked the whole *John's POV* thing, but maybe I should try and make it a little smoother.
I want to thank you again for the constructive criticism, I'm going to go see if I can edit those words.
Reply
About the bags thing...okay cool. I didn't realize that. The whole hospital thing just threw me off for a loop. I couldn't imagine her throwing them out of the hospital or anyone tagging the bags that way for the personnels. Thanks for clarifying.
-sevter-
Reply
Leave a comment