Merlin Fic ~ Of Pretentiousness, Poetry and Pining ~ Merthur Rated R

[goddess_julie]

Title: Of Pretentiousness, Poetry and Pining
Author: goddess_julie
Fandom: Merlin TV
Pairing: Merthur with a side of Gwen/Lancelot and Morgana/Leon
Rating: R for Language
Tags: Alternate Universe: Modern Setting, Angst
Warnings: None
Notes: I wanted to start writing but seem to have lost my groove. This is my first foray into writing Merthur and all because of a writer's block prompt that said... "describe the last time you felt truly desperate..." This is what I came up with. My summary (as they often do) is less than stellar but I hope that doesn't stop people from reading.
Summary: Arthur is shit at emotions. Merlin has them in vast quantities. This is what happens when they not only meet but continue doing so at a weekly poetry open mic and fate intervenes in the form of Uther Pendragon. Or in which where Arthur is broken and Merlin tries to put him back together. Kind of.

Also found On AO3 Here


He wasn’t sure how he had gotten here.

Arthur knew he was completely and utterly shit at emotions and communicating. Being raised by Uther Pendragon, who was very clear on what did and what did not constitute as weakness, Arthur had been schooled early on in his life the truth in that line of thought. Arthur had also learned early that for the most part he’d taken after his mother in that he had been born with a conscience. Arthur was graced with the unfortunate fact that he had feelings and wished to express them passionately. He had been told by the Pendragon ‘help’ often times as a young boy that this abundance of emotion and passion was a trait his mother Ygraine had embraced and flourished with in her too short life. It was needless to say that Arthur had spent a lot of time in his early days being sent to his father’s study to think about how he’d failed Uther yet again and what he was to do to ensure that it didn’t happen in the future.

Arthur learned early on that friends were things that other people had, and they were meant only to be used as allies. Friends served no purpose for emotional ties or wellbeing but only for financial or societal gain. Again, through murmurs from the staff, he had been told that there was a time once when Uther himself had friends. There were rumors that there was also a point when he was said to have cherished life and love and everything else that he now stood against. But that had been a lifetime ago. A lifetime before Arthur, when his mother had been alive and Uther was not the cold and calculating man Arthur knew.

Arthur “knew” Uther Pendragon, he wouldn’t dare say loved him. He didn’t love Uther for the mere fact that he knew the older man would only see it as yet another weakness in a very long line of them. Uther Pendragon didn’t want love, not even from his own son. He only required respect and fear, both in equal measures, and this demand held no prejudice. Whether it be his own son, a minion working at Camelot Corporation or the poor sod who drove him around during the day, what Uther Pendragon cared about was status, money and power, and those that he could control with said status, money and power.

Uther Pendragon had never met the likes of Merlin Emrys. From the moment Arthur first laid eyes on Merlin, he knew this man would be his undoing. He just couldn’t have imagined to what degree that truth would ring. Merlin was tall, lanky, clumsy, graceful, beautiful and mesmerising. Arthur hated him on principle.

He was in a coffee house on a Tuesday night. There was an open mic about to start and while normally Arthur wouldn’t have wasted a night that would merely serve no purpose except to sit around drinking overpriced tea while listening to pretentious douchebags pretend they had some type of talent with poetry which, in his opinion, was pointless and only appreciated by those who couldn’t be bothered to work towards a profession with real meaning on what was important in life and not some artsy bullshit by hipsters trying to be hip.

The double standard of his judgemental nature was not wasted on Arthur as he himself was a pretentious douchebag, too good to sit around in a coffee house on a Tuesday night without resenting the entire room of people comfortable enough with themselves that they didn’t take themselves too seriously. He’d been told he did that. Sometimes. Well, sometimes in that if some meant all of the time and he really had better things to do than sit here with his step-sister who was flirting outrageously with some guy with hair that kept flipping ridiculously and a smile that had disarmed even her own normally frigid veneer.

Arthur hated HIM on first sight as well, but he didn’t want to think about that right now. If the glares Morgana was firing him for ignoring their table mate was anything to go by, he would have to put up with one of her lectures that rivaled on Uther’s on the worst of days. The only differences between her lectures and his father’s were while Uther had his own well being and wishes in mind, Morgana genuinely cared for Arthur and the shell of a man Uther had reduced him to. Any form of care directed in Arthur’s way made him uncomfortable and awkward. Arthur hated feeling uncomfortable or awkward, let alone both at the same time.

It was a wonder that Arthur wasn’t schizophrenic with the multitude of voices he had echoing in his head at all moments of the day.

“What do you think Princess?” The man, Arthur remembered as being introduced as Gwaine, said with a coy smirk and a knowing tilt of his head.

“I don’t think anything,” Arthur said safely. He tried to pretend he had been paying attention to what the conversation was about but was sure they all knew he hadn’t been.

“I’m not surprised,” Gwaine said to Morgana with a grin. “All pretty and not a thought in your head.”

Before Arthur could argue back Morgana stepped in, speaking in a tone of voice that indicated boredom yet borderline violent at the same time. “Oh he has many thoughts in his head, I just need to remind him they’re his father’s and not necessarily his.”

“Our father,” Arthur reminded meanly, his heart constricting with love at the hard glare in her eyes that softened upon his words.

“Only in blood and name.”

He nodded his head as if to concede the point and startled as a voice boomed over the microphone. This was when Arthur raised his head and felt his whole existence be put into question. There was a man, maybe in his early twenties, standing on the makeshift stage nervously fidgeting and holding onto a piece of paper that shook.

“I’m Merlin,” the man stuttered softly.

Arthur couldn’t help but snicker at that name loudly, which caused for Merlin to shake even more and freeze as though reconsidering whatever he was about to do.

“Shut up, ARTHUR,” Morgana hissed just as loudly which caused for people around them to laugh. Arthur’s face filled with embarrassed heat when he realized they were laughing AT him, not WITH him.

“YAY MERLIN!!” A voice called from the corner and Arthur turned to see a dark skinned girl with a wide grin and beautiful features pulled her hand free from the man beside her and clapped encouragingly. She turned her eyes to Arthur and glared at him as if daring him to laugh at her friend again.

Merlin giggled as his face flushed an even brighter red, all the way to the tips of his slightly larger than normal ears. “Thanks Gwen,” he said softly before clearing his throat. Once everyone had recovered from the feedback which resulted, Merlin continued. “So I’m Merlin and … well I just … I’m going to read something for you.”
In all, the reading took less than two minutes. He’d claimed it was a poem but Arthur hadn’t caught any point in which any of the words rhymed or made sense. He was looking around to see if anyone else had noticed but it appeared that everyone was enthralled by the words that seemed to flow out of Merlin’s mouth. The sound of their loud applause startled Arthur out of his reverie.

“You are an insufferable snob,” Morgana chastised him when the next person stood up to speak. Arthur sat in stunned silence when she and Gwaine stood, only to leave him alone at the table to walk over to where Merlin and “Gwen” were sitting and talking enthusiastically. Their already full table gained two more as Arthur watched his step sister and her ‘friend’ introduce themselves, Morgana clearly apologized for Arthur’s outburst and they joined the group as though it was the most effortless thing in the entire world.
With narrowed eyes Arthur watched the group fawn over Merlin who looked appropriately thrilled and embarrassed by their attention and found himself hating the beautiful man, if not just for his comfort in being uncomfortable. He forced himself to remember that it was all for naught anyways. This wasn’t his ‘thing’, it was Morgana’s. He had more important things to be doing than reading or listening to poor excuse for poetry in a crappy little coffee house on campus. Not to mention that the café was called The Round Table and the walls were adorned with paintings of knights and horses and a number of crests that Arthur didn’t find it necessary to appreciate. That didn’t explain why he didn’t get up and leave though. And it definitely didn’t explain the shard of jealousy that pierced his heart as he watched the group talk, laugh and ignore his existence, only feet away wishing he could admit that he wanted nothing more to be over there with them.

**

“I don’t know why you even bother coming, Princess.” Gwaine teased as Arthur grumbled about having better things to do than drink shitty tea and waste yet another Tuesday night when he should be working on proposals for Camelot Corp. It didn’t matter that he was still in school. It didn’t matter that deep down he didn’t know if he wanted to work 70 hour weeks doing a job he secretly hated for people that not so secretly hated him if not just for the blatantly obvious nepotism that had him heading up accounts that he was in no way qualified for. It also didn’t matter that no matter how good or bad a job Arthur did, Uther didn’t judge him based on the job he did do but the job he SHOULD have done. Another lesson he’d learned early on was that what he wanted would never matter. He wasn’t even sure if he mattered most days, but he would save that line of thinking for late at night when he was convincing himself that he wasn’t thinking of a mop of raven hair, beautiful blue eyes that sparkled and cheekbones that only amplified the only smile ever to make him, Arthur Pendragon, legitimately hard and speechless at the same time.

Arthur opened his mouth to respond but Gwaine’s smile made him falter.

“I’m kidding, we all know why you bother coming…” Arthur hated the twinkle in the other man’s eyes, because he knew whatever was about to be said would embarrass him and remind him why they weren’t friends. “Well not coming. Yet. But you could be coming if you weren’t such a bloody prat.”

“I think the word Merlin used was twat, Gwaine,” Morgana said with a cheery smile. Arthur nearly did a double take when he saw her hand engulfed in that of someone who was decidedly NOT Gwaine.

Gwaine must have seen Arthur’s confusion and laughed. “You need to get your head out of your ass and …maybe actually be present when you’re here.”

“You’re not?” He pointed between Gwaine and Morgana, shocked when they both burst into laughter and made obviously nauseated faces at the thought.

“Oh god no,” Morgana said with an emphatic shake of her head. “That’s disgusting.” She looked lovingly at the man beside her who Arthur had to admit looked vaguely familiar. “This is Leon. My soulmate.”

“Hey!” Gwaine said affronted by her obvious disgust while Arthur echoed with, “wait, you have a soul?”

“Mr. Pendragon,” Leon said to Arthur’s discomfort. With a start, Arthur moved so fast to jump up and turn around fear of seeing his father behind him that he nearly stumbled over his chair and landed on his ass.

“Father…” Arthur said in alarm before realizing Leon meant him. “What?”

In a move that both would deny until their dying day, Morgana reached over and grabbed Arthur’s arm gently, trying to impress calm and comfort to him while his heart settled in a more natural rhythm. By the time he’d sat down and recollected himself, Arthur noticed that the group that often sat on the other side of the room, were now moving tables together to sit at his table.

“Since you’re too much of a posh wanker to lower yourself to sit with us,” Gwaine said kindly, “we thought the only way to keep you company was if we moved everyone over here.”

“Yeah, even though you obviously don’t have a cultural bone in your entire body,” a familiar voice called.

Arthur’s breath caught in his throat when Merlin moved past Gwen to place a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream down across the table from where he was sitting. Their eyes met and Arthur couldn’t help but admit that any electricity he might have felt between them before paled in comparison to what he felt now.

“Excuse me?” Arthur said affronted.

“Not all poetry rhymes,” Merlin said with a sneer. “And just because you don’t appreciate it, doesn’t mean it’s shit.”

Arthur ignored the heat that crept up his throat. Obviously Morgana had told Merlin what he’d said about Merlin’s previous readings. His defensive nature and unwillingness to back down caused for Arthur’s back to straighten and his chin to tilt up.

“Says the man that thinks poetry is a worthwhile hobby.” He was oblivious to the awkwardness around the table. Arthur could only focus on himself and the reaction that seeing Merlin’s eyes widen and darken in an unspoken challenge evoked in him.

**

It went that way for three months of Tuesdays. They would all gather at the Round Table Coffee Co. and drink various flavours of coffee and tea, discuss current events and pause in between readings to argue over culture and art and its relevance in the real world. Conversation was always lively, often loud and passionate and it was the one point of Arthur’s week that he refused to admit kept him going through everything else happening in his life.

While he was not used to having friends, this group of people he had attributed as more of Morgana’s friends were the closest thing he had ever experienced to having ones of his own. He had exchanged contacts with Lancelot who was Gwen’s boyfriend, Elyan, her brother and Percival, friend and rugby mate of all of the guys. Leon, Arthur was surprised to learn, had previously worked for Uther, being the personal assistant to his personal assistant, but at Morgana’s urging, had branched out to find a job that, in her words, ‘wouldn’t suck out his soul one day at a time until he too was a shell of a human being that barely existed let alone lived’.

Morgana and Leon had met during one of her epic throw down, all out shouting matches she’d had with Uther at Camelot Corp. and most often spent time speaking through Leon when passing on messages to Uther’s assistant. They had dated under Uther’s nose without him even knowing, and by the time it had become public knowledge, Leon was out from under the senior Pendragon’s thumb and was safe from any repercussion that he could have taken out on him. What surprised everyone except Arthur, was when Uther found out about the relationship, he hadn’t ultimately cared. He had an heir to the throne, Arthur, so Morgana was of no consequence financially and thus in Uther’s eyes, didn’t matter. That had been the final coffin in her relationship with her father and had severed all ties with him, emancipating herself with pleasure and trying her damnedest to encourage Arthur to do the same.

While he secretly envied her bravery and will, he still held out hope that his father would realize that all Arthur wanted was his approval and love and in that, would see exactly how his actions were breaking Arthur’s spirit and soul.

Gwaine was an entity in and of himself. Arthur would readily admit he didn’t understand the other man one bit, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t respect him and look to him as the closest thing he would ever see himself having as a role model. He learned from Morgana that the other man was eerily similar to that of Arthur by means of expectations and responsibilities and social status. The only difference between them was that Gwaine had told his family and responsibilities to fuck themselves and lived for himself. He bent to no one’s will but his own. It was then that he studied the other man and saw what he’d missed before. While Gwaine mocked Arthur mercilessly, he was also his biggest supporter. It was Gwaine who would deflect conversation if it was becoming too close to apocalyptic proportions. Or if peoples’ teasing was hitting too close for Arthur’s comfort, he wouldn’t tolerate anyone disrespecting Arthur as only he and Morgana were allowed to.

Despite his friendships, as hesitant as he would categorize them as such, with these people, Arthur still could not openly discuss Merlin. Or more specifically, how much the other man unnerved him. How he made Arthur feel things he knew he shouldn’t. Couldn’t. How Arthur knew that with each feeling of resentment, of each moment he vowed that he hated the smug, pretentious asshole, what he really felt was jealousy and awe. Awe that Merlin was just … Merlin. Unappologetically awkward and beautiful and everything he embodied and was unrepentant for. He openly hugged everyone when they arrived for their Tuesday night gatherings, touches lingering depending on conversations that were being had or feelings passing between them. He laughed without reserve, cried when reading pieces that were hitting too close to emotions and in the eyes of Uther Pendragon, would have been seen as the lowest form of man on the evolutionary chain.

Merlin Emrys embodied everything that Uther Pendragon spent his life trying to shame out of Arthur. And what made it worse was when Merlin’s mother was visiting from Ealdor and joined them on one particular Tuesday, seeing her pride in her son and the overwhelming love she not only had for him but displayed broke something in Arthur.
His jokes became less friendly and more pointed. He attacked what he knew were Merlin’s weaknesses and reveled in how uncomfortable it made the other man. Arthur felt that if he had to face these harsh realizations of the real world, Merlin should as well. The only moment of regret he let himself feel for the hurt that flashed through Merlin’s eyes was soothed away with the certainty that he was only doing Merlin a favour.

“The real world is hard, Merlin. Suck it up buttercup, might as well get used to it now.”

What had been a very precious relationship between them became thin and fragile. Arthur refused to let himself think about this and was convinced it was for the better. He told both Morgana and Gwaine that when they first came to him concerned for his self destructive tendancies, who told him in no uncertain terms that he was a first class asshole and was going to end up being alone and bitter because it wasn’t just that he couldn’t let himself love anyone, but he was damaged to let anyone love him.

“Life isn’t about LOVE, Morgana,” Arthur yelled one afternoon that they were getting together with everyone for a football match. “It’s about work and priorities and clearly I need to work on mine.”

“Those are the words of Uther,” Morgana pleaded. Arthur couldn’t let himself focus on the genuine fear in her voice, the way her eyes were tearing up and her hands were shaking. “You’re better than this.”

“Apparently I’m not,” Arthur laughed mirthlessly. “But I need to be. I need to be better than some poor little fairy from Ealdor who is only a man in genetic make up. I need to be better than this child who, because of being raised by some weak woman who clearly was not equipped to raise a boy, has ruined his life by teaching him it’s respectable to cry in public. To be loud and boisterous to make up for his short comings. Who feels that studying history and English and that writing poetry that is an abomination to the English language is respectable.” There was no emotion in Arthur’s tone and he cursed the way his voice shook with each breath he took.

“You can’t … you can’t be serious.”

Arthur’s shoulders dropped and he felt all of the fight leave his body. “He had me followed.” Arthur’s eyes met Morgana’s and he saw the shock there. Nodding he wiped the tears from his cheek. “I was unavailable on Tuesdays and wouldn’t tell him why. He’s been tailing me for weeks.”

Before anything else could be said the door was kicked open fully with force enough to startle both Morgana and Arthur. Both siblings gasped at the look of blind rage and devastation on the other man’s face.

“Merlin…” Morgana gasped reaching out to grab hold of him. He shook her off, glaring only at Arthur.

“Fuck you, you arrogant piece of shit. You can say whatever you want about me…” Merlin’s voice had never been that low, that menacing and Arthur felt a shiver slide up and down his spine.

“Merlin…”

“No.” The hatred with which he spat out that one word was like a slap to Arthur’s face. “I think you’ve said enough.”

“But…” Morgana, who was quite possibly the most reserved, most composed person Arthur had ever known looked pale and stricken. There was worry and devastation in her expression and all Arthur could do was shake his head. As much of a misunderstanding as this was, it was for the best. Uther Pendragon would never let ‘this’ happen. Whatever this was between them was, and Arthur wasn’t even sure yet, it just wouldn’t be allowed. Anything…everything Arthur held dear was taken from him, as though to teach him a lesson. To teach him that in the face of real life, strength was your only option. Life wasn’t fair for Uther Pendragon, so he made it his mission to teach that lesson to his only son. Anger was much more of a productive emotion than sadness and if anything, Arthur needed to make sure that Merlin would be okay. He would get over anger much faster than heartbreak or sadness.

Arthur wasn’t worth anything more than that.

He watched Morgana’s eyes tear up, her face crumple and he hated that her look of regret was aimed at him as much as it was for Merlin. He didn’t want her pity. “Morgana, leave.”

“I’m not leaving you,” she spat.

“Go,” he pleaded, angry when she shook her head.

“Fuck you Pendragon,” Merlin growled. “You can say what you want about me. You can tell me I’m worthless, that I’m a waste of space and half a man. You can think whatever the fuck you want about me but you don’t get to talk about my mother. Who the fuck do you think you are judging her job of raising me. Yes we’re poor. Yes she made concessions but fuck you.”

“Merlin, please…” Morgana begged, sobbing.

Merlin was shaking with so much anger he didn’t acknowledge Morgana’s pleas. “You’re raised by a cold, heartless man and because you have money that means you’re better than the rest of us? Fuck you. You leave my mother out of this. You didn’t have one so you feel you’re entitled to attack mine? You feel so unloved, so unlovable that you have to make other people feel the same?” Merlin approached Arthur with cold, calculating precision, staring directly into his eyes. Arthur was certain that he saw Merlin’s crystal blue eyes sparkle gold and then black. “I took a lot of your shit because I understand responsibility and needing to be what your parent wants for you. I can see YOU, beyond your walls. But this? This is low by even your standards Pendragon. You’d better hope that I never hear your voice again, because the next time I won’t be so nice.”

Without a second glance back, Merlin walked out of Leon’s apartment, slamming the door behind him.

There was a moment of silence while Arthur’s heart shattered and any hope that he would have the strength to admit to himself, let alone the people he had at some point in the past seven months considered friends, how he felt for the other man had crumbled. He had slowly worked past his own fears, his own conceptions on his very skewed self worth and was able to admit that he deserved more than he had. That he deserved happiness and Merlin and that his happiness was wrapped up in the other man and that if Merlin could be patient with him, they had a chance at really making things work and giving Arthur hope that he’d never even let himself contemplate existed let alone was in his own grasp.

The sound of the kitchen door swinging open caused for Arthur and Morgana to turn sharply. Both had forgotten, in the excitement that there were other people in the apartment and with the uncomfortable expressions on both Leon and Gwaine’s faces, Arthur jumped into action.

Without a word, he exited the apartment, ignoring the calls that followed him. He ran blindly, knowing that someone was following him but refusing to stop to turn around. The last thing he needed was pity, or confirmation that his own happiness was just something that he didn’t deserve. This just further proved what his father had said to him all along, emotions and love had no place in a man’s life. If you forgot that, it just brought upon failure and pain. And if anything, Arthur seemed to invite failure. He was weak just as Uther had always said.

**

If Morgana had thought Arthur was a shell of a man before, he shuddered to think what she would say about him now. It had been two months since that afternoon in Leon’s apartment and he’d not seen or heard from Merlin since. Arthur had stopped going to the Round Table on Tuesday nights much to Morgana, Leon and Gwaine’s displeasure. The more they pushed, the further he distanced himself to them until they realized that if they wanted any contact with him at all, they couldn’t discuss Merlin or anything that had happened leading up to the blow up at all. He saw their worried expressions every time they met up, which was most often for a short lunch break where he more often than not, moved his food around until it looked like he’d eaten but really refused to admit that he couldn’t stomach anything.

Food had no taste, things that used to bring pleasure to his life failed to make him happy and since they had been out of school for summer term, his life had simply consisted of getting up in the morning, going to Camelot Corp. working until someone, often his father’s legal advisor Gaius threatened him that if he didn’t go home he would cook up some ancient witchcraft and put a spell on him. Arthur had known Gaius since he was born and was probably the closest to a positive paternal influence on him he had. Knowing Gaius mysterious past, he wouldn’t put it past the old man with the mesmerizingly terrifying eyebrows to do just that, put some spell on him. So at that threat he would go home, crawl into bed after forcing down as light a meal as he could make so he could do the same the next day.

~~

“Arthur, here.” About a week after his big blow up with Merlin, Gaius had handed him a leather bound book, staring pointedly until he took it.

“What is this?” Arthur had asked.

“A journal.” Ignoring Arthur’s confused look Gaius smiled. “There is much unrest, much sadness and confusion and anger inside of you. Use this. It will make things clear.”

A wave of panic hit Arthur and he shook his head and tried to give the book back to the older man. “Uh, no…”

“It was not a suggestion.”

“I don’t even know what to do.”

Gaius raised an eyebrow that never failed to intimidate Arthur, even after all of these years. “You do know how to write, don’t you?”

Arthur moved to roll his eyes but stopped at the expression on Gaius’ face. This was not to be taken lightly.

“Then you’ll know what to do.”

~~

There were seven weeks of writing in that journal now. Arthur would take time to jot down fears, wishes, thoughts and even dreams he was having. For the first few days he’d simply put it in his briefcase and tried to ignore it. But the more he did so, the more of a pull he felt to it until finally evening, just after waking from a particularly distressful dream he started writing. Page after page he filled the journal with everything in his head only to find that the clearer he felt, the more he wanted to write.

Confusion.

Fear.

Love.

Hope.

It was all laid in each page, in his own hand writing that Arthur refused to go back and read once he’d turned the page but felt like every word had been imprinted in his heart. He refused to acknowledge that every entry, every thought was about Merlin. There was a war between anger and fear. Anger at how he’d hurt the other man intentionally, even though he believed it was for his own good but fear that Merlin truly felt that those words had been his own words, not the words spat by his father only that morning.
Morgana had recognized Arthur reciting what he’d been informed of when called into Uther’s office to discuss his schedule on Tuesday evenings. Morgana could guess at how livid Uther had been, the depths that he would stoop to in keeping Arthur firmly under his thumb. Not only had he had Arthur followed for weeks, but had done full background checks on the entire group of students. What Arthur had found the most laughable was that Uther didn’t want him to stop seeing everyone in the group, no, Gwaine it appeared could be a very lucrative business venture if Arthur could manage to mend the rift between his friend and his family and then bring their businesses together in what would be the merger of a lifetime.

But Uther knew in no uncertain terms who Merlin was to Arthur and had used him against him. How would Merlin feel if his scholarship had been revoked due to financial inaccuracies on his application? It didn’t matter that there hadn’t been any, but people could be persuaded, documents could be forged. Lives could be ruined all with Arthur’s selfishness and how would he feel knowing that his own half-sister’s happiness would also be affected if her love were investigated for laundering and illegal activities which lead to his dismissal a year prior?

It took Arthur collapsing in the front lobby of Camelot Corporation for a true intervention to take place. Gaius had accompanied him to the hospital, Uther conveniently not informed of his heir’s medical status until he’d safely landed on the other side of the world for a business meeting and ensured that Arthur’s health was fine and not worthy of the potential loss of this merger. Arthur hadn’t been aware of Gaius and Morgana’s weekly meetings for lunch, solely to discuss him. While neither wished harm to Arthur, they couldn’t ignore the gift this had presented them in putting their plan into action.

Arthur was being kept in the hospital until Monday at the earliest for observation. He was severely malnourished and exhausted. Gwaine, Gaius, Leon and Morgana had been unsuccessful in getting through to Arthur so they felt it high time to up the stakes. Gwen and Lance had been two of the last people Arthur had expected to visit.

Gwen’s eyes teared up the instant she walked into the room. He was shocked to see her fly across the space between them and launch herself on the bed, into his arms. “You are such a prat Arthur Pendragon,” she wailed through her tears.

“I’m sorry?” Arthur looked at Lance who shook his head sadly.

“We’d believed it was best that we stay away,” he offered in a soft voice as he brought a chair beside Arthur’s bed. “We didn’t want to choose sides and although M…” Lance stumbled on Merlin’s name unsure if he should speak it aloud.

“Merlin. His name is MERLIN,” she said with a smack to her boyfriend. “Maybe if someone had have done something before now, Arthur wouldn’t be in the hospital and Merlin would understand that all Will is at best is a second rate stand in for who he really wants and will admit that his heart is broken and…” Gwen turned her glare onto Arthur who visibly shrank back. “How dare the two of you hurt each other like this? Do you know how awful this has been? Sitting on the side lines watching the two of you be miserable, and god knows neither will admit that you’re miserable, but if this is the two of you happy then you’re both bigger idiots than I’d have even begun to give you credit for.”

Arthur had stopped listening at the mention of Will. Whoever this person was, he was with Merlin and while Arthur didn’t think his heart could break any further, it had.

“Oh no you don’t,” Gwen stood up, pointing her finger into Arthur’s chest. “You are not going to use Will as an excuse. Merlin does that enough for the both of you, and by gods if you don’t get your head out of your ass and just DO SOMETHING, I will break more than your heart.”

“Well, I guess the hope for no blood shed is too much to ask for,” a voice called from the door. They all turned to see Elyan and Percy enter, both carrying various bags of take away for everyone.

“I think if we all just do as she says,” Lance said lovingly as he gazed into Gwen’s eyes, “then it will all be best for everyone.”

Everyone burst into laughter at Percy, Elyan and Arthur’s whipping sounds and accompanying motions. The mood between everyone was more comfortable than Arthur would have imagined as they ate the take away and he was given an opportunity to catch up with everyone. If he’d had to categorize, he would have previously said that these were Merlin’s friends and just his by means of association, but sitting back and watching as he participated in the enthusiastic conversation the revelation of how much they meant to him startled Arthur. What was more shocking was how much he seemed to mean to them as well. Eventually it was nearing time for visitors to be asked to leave and Arthur found himself sitting in a comfortable silence with Gwen. Lance had left with Percy and Elyan stating that they were meeting up with Gwaine and some other friends of theirs for some rugby. Arthur was invited to join them once he’d been released and felt up to playing.

“I don’t know exactly what happened,” Gwen admitted in a soft voice which startled Arthur from the light nap he’d fallen into. “Merlin won’t speak of it, but I know that whatever it is has wrecked him. And after speaking at length with Morgana, I know it’s affected you just as much.”

“Guinevere,” Arthur warned. He’d had such a great day and he didn’t want to end it with talks of mistakes and the past and things he should know better than to want.

“Please listen to me Arthur.”

After a moment, he nodded. Her eyes were kind, her hand warm in his.

“He hasn’t been back to open mic since that night.”

Arthur hadn’t expected to hear that. He knew how much it meant to Merlin and hated that it was because of him that Merlin had given it up. As though Gwen could hear the direction of his thoughts she gave a watery smile. “He… changed once you started coming and we started sitting with you. I couldn’t believe we got him up there that first time and I promised that if he went up once, he’d never have to do it again. And then… you happened and you changed him. As much as he changed you, or at least how much Morgana has told us he’s changed you, you’ve done that much for him too and … I don’t have any right to ask you of anything, but it’s taken ages and I know he’s going to be so angry with me he might not speak to me for a while… but I’ve convinced him to come tomorrow night to the Round Table. I’ve told him I’ve written something and I want to read it and we always had this promise that if he got up and read something, I would and he would never miss it for the world.”

“I don’t know… if I can.”

“You’re being released tomorrow, Arthur.”

“That’s not what I mean.

“Do you love him?” Gwen cupped Arthur’s cheek in her hand and stroked his jaw lovingly. When he didn’t answer she smiled.

“He hates me.”

“He sure does,” she admitted. “But if he didn’t hate you, you’d know he didn’t love you. He wouldn’t care and then you’d be fucked.” Gwen shushed Arthur’s giggle at her swearing. “It will only take three words to fix everything and I know you’re scared, but you aren’t a coward Arthur Pendragon. You’re a lot of things, but a coward isn’t one of them.”

“Three words?” Arthur asked.

Gwen nodded. “And only you know what those three words are. Please come.” She pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before saying goodnight and leaving him with only his thoughts and the heavy, leather bound book on his nightstand.

**

Arthur took a deep breath as he stepped onto the sidewalk from the taxi he had called to drive him to the Round Table. He was nearly faint from nerves and felt nauseous but the weight of what he had to do gave him the strength to raise his chin and head towards the door. If Gwen felt that he was worth putting her friendship with Merlin at risk and she was going to take a chance, he owed it to both her and Merlin to do the same.

As he raised his arm to pull on the door to enter, a hand on his shoulder startled him. “I should have known this was where you would head.”
Uther Pendragon’s icy tone ripped through Arthur’s heart and he felt his whole body stiffen. Slowly, Arthur turned around to see undisguised rage in his father’s eyes and disgust in his expression.

“Father, what are you doing here?”

“Seeing for myself how incompetent you are. If you want to ruin your life and the lives of those you believe you care about, I want to see it first hand.”
Uther pulled his phone out of his pocket, typed furiously into his phone before meeting Arthur’s weary gaze. Before Arthur could ask, his father answered the question on his mind. “I hope you’ve said goodbye to Gaius. His contract with Camelot Corp. has been terminated.”

Arthur felt red hot rage replace the fear that had enveloped him. “What for?”

“Treason. He told me he had everything under control. He led me to believe that he had your best interests at heart. What he neglected to inform me was that those…” Uther pointed to the coffee house “…heathens had come to visit you this weekend. That they had convinced you to come here tonight.”

“You’re still having me followed,” Arthur said flatly. “You still…”

“Don’t trust you, and can you blame me? It’s like you are incapable of making rational decisions when it comes to your future, to the future of Camelot. I did not raise you to be a weak man Arthur. To befriend and have relations with those who are in a lower class than you. Your sister is to be excused because she is a woman and has the excuse of hormones to blame her poor choices on, but you are a man Arthur. At least I thought you were. Perhaps like your poor, useless servant boy…”

“Merlin is not a servant boy, Father.”

“He should be, for all the good he’s worth.” Uther did not even seem remotely embarrassed by his words or the effect that they were having not only on his son but the strangers walking by on the street. “So forget this nonsense or whatever it was that you believed you were going to partake in this evening, get into the car and you will come back home where I can watch you and try and forget this mess that you’ve nearly made of both our lives.”

“No.” Arthur’s voice was soft but strong. It was the first time he had uttered that word to his father and it felt strangely liberating.

Uther had already turned around as though Arthur was going to follow him blindly and paused, turning back as though he had heard wrong. “Pardon me.”

“I said no. Sir.” Arthur’s heart was racing, his vision swimming before him. But through it all, he stood his ground.

“I will have you disinherited. Disowned.”

Arthur took a moment to think of his family, of this father and the business. The thought of defying his father had always terrified him to a point where he could not think rationally at the prospect of this happening, but for the first time in his 22 years he was seeing his life in perfect clarity.

“You won’t.”

Arthur had never seen his father look so undignified. He sputtered and his mouth gaped open like a fish while he fought to believe how his only son was outright defying him.

“You say you will, but it will look poorly on you. And power is perception. If people perceive you to be so weak that your son chooses some poor fag to love rather than his own family and his birthright, you will be seen as weak too. The public perception of you is more important than your own beliefs and feelings. You’ve taught me that. So, no. You won’t disown me. You wouldn’t do anything this drastically that would cause a potential for the Pendragon and Camelot names to be tarnished.”

This epiphany had taken far too long for Arthur to realize it, but with the revelation came strength. And if he was going to walk into that café and do what he knew he had to do, he was going to need strength.

“Now if you don’t mind, my sister, her boyfriend and our friends are waiting for me inside. I have a few things that I need to make right and I would appreciate it if you left.” Arthur turned his back to his father and opened the door to the café. As an afterthought he turned around, his eyes hard and with warning. “And if I hear that there are any repercussions with any of my friends or their families, you will certainly be sorry. It is one thing to threaten and manipulate me, but if you even so much as breathe in their direction… well you will be even more sorry than you will be when you realize your grave error in firing Gaius. That I will promise you.”

Once he was safely inside the Round Table, Arthur sagged against the back of the door and gasped for breath. He was shaking terribly and took a moment to try and find the strength to walk across the room to join his friends. In nearly an instant he was met with Morgana who pulled him into her embrace and hugged him tightly.

“Oh Arthur,” she said softly against his neck. “I was so worried that you hadn’t shown up and then Merlin was angry because Gwen tricked him and he went to leave but got as far as the door before coming back like he’d been struck and then seeing you and Uther out there…” Morgana pulled him at arm’s length and studied him. “Are you all right?”

“I don’t think so,” Arthur answered honestly. His chest was tight and he was nearly certain he was having an anxiety attack. Looking up and across the room, Arthur’s eyes immediately met Merlin’s, who was watching him with apprehensive worry and something Arthur couldn’t place.

“He’s mad at Gwen?” Arthur asked. Morgana nodded, but her lips curled into a soft smile.

“But he didn’t leave. He hasn’t said a word to anyone, and Will isn’t here. Or he was, but then heard that you were coming and said that just sealed their fate and told Merlin to have a nice life and asked Merlin for his key back.”

“They’d exchanged keys?”

Morgana’s peal of laughter echoed through the whole café. Arthur couldn’t help but smile at the obvious glee on her face. “Apparently he’d given Merlin a key on the second date and Merlin wouldn’t give him a key saying that just because Will thought they were at that point and didn’t mind Merlin having access to his flat, he wasn’t about to invite Will in when he wasn’t there let alone when he was most of the time.”

Arthur’s eyes caught Gwen’s who was watching him with relief. He could see she was worried, but he’d grown to realize that was just who she was. She was the mother hen of the group and if anyone was hurt or unhappy or needed something, she would always want to be able to make it right for them and ensure their happiness.
Just as Arthur was about to second guess himself, Morgana clutched his hand and tugged him towards their table. “It’ll be okay Arthur, he’s here. You’re here and he’s here.”

To her surprise, Arthur shook his head. “No.”

The expression in her eyes caused a fear he’d never experienced before, even while talking to Uther. “Arthur?” She warned.

“Trust me,” he said, hoping his voice didn’t betray the nerves he was feeling. With a flicker to Merlin’s face, he saw the confusion and then sadness at Arthur heading in the opposite direction to where they were sitting, leaving Morgana standing in the doorway of the café alone. The weight in his pocket gave him the strength he needed as he made his way to the table at the end of the espresso bar and spoke to someone behind the counter. He emptied his pockets, adjusted a few things and then held his breath and closed his eyes as one of the baristas Elena walked up onto the stage. She nodded over at Gwaine and giggled, smiling and flashing him a flirtatious wink before grabbing the microphone.

“Good evening members of The Round Table. We have a new speaker tonight who would like to share his talent with us. Be kind …well kinder than he was when one of our first timers went up scared out of his wits and he laughed at just the mention of his name.”

Arthur’s nerves bubbled up into a laugh as he heard Gwaine, Morgana and their table start making loud hoots and hollers from their table.

“Please welcome, Arthur Pendragon.”

Arthur stepped nervously onto the stage, his eyes immediately finding Merlin who was staring at him in unabashed shock. He could see the other man’s hands trembling, his plump lower lip caught between his teeth. Arthur took a moment to push back the nausea and took a deep breath.

“I was told that this would only take three words. Three words to undo all of the pain, hurt and suffering I’ve caused. I thought about it and three words came to mind. And then three different words came to mind. So I’ve put them in a poem. Apparently poetry is what you make it. The rules are flexible and anything can be called a poem if you call it that. It doesn’t even have to rhyme.”

Arthur would recognize Merlin’s strangled laugh anywhere. He wasn’t entirely sure he imagined the softly muttered ‘prat’ that floated to his ears.

“So this is my poem. It’s called Merlin.” Arthur cleared his throat. “Please forgive me. I love you.”

The silence was deafening. Arthur had never felt so exposed, so naked in his entire life. He looked down to make sure he was indeed wearing clothes and was relieved when he saw he was in fact dressed. No one moved, it was like no one was even breathing.

“Thank you,” he said softly as he stepped away from the microphone and off of the stage. It was then that he saw all of the girls in the café, holding tissues up to their eyes where they were dabbing tears and the guys looking a cross between uncomfortable and annoyed with jealousy. Slowly, he walked over to where his sister and their friends were sitting. Gwen spoke first.

“Arthur…” she bawled. “That was beautiful!”

“Thanks mate,” Gwaine said clapping him on the shoulder roughly. “Great way to show up all the other blokes in here in front of their girlfriends. That Arthur Pendragon, he’s so romantic, why aren’t you that romantic?’

Arthur blushed as he gave Gwaine the hug he knew his friend was waiting for. “You’re welcome, mate.” Without a second glance he approached Merlin who was quiet and looked pained. With a deep breath Arthur pulled the journal that Gaius had given him all of those weeks ago and was nearly full. He could vaguely feel all of their friends’ eyes on them but he didn’t care.

“I’m not saying it’s going to be easy…” he started, unsure of how exactly to say what was in his heart.

“Nothing worth having is,” Merlin responded with a faint smile on his lips.

“I really suck at emotion and communication.”

“I’ve gathered.”

“You might have to be patient with me.”

“I’ll be patient with you if you’re careful with me,” Merlin promised.

“Please don’t doubt that I love you, truly love you,” Arthur begged. He’d never been this open, this honest with his feelings. He was surprised he was even capable of it and didn’t try to hide how much he was shaking. Arthur jumped when Merlin cupped his face gently in his hands.

“Please don’t doubt that you’re worth loving back,” it was Merlin’s turn to beg. “That, I think, is going to be one of our biggest obstacles. You are capable of love and being loved, but you don’t believe it. You think you don’t deserve it and you’d rather suffer silently if it means saving others the pain.” Merlin stepped forward, laying out his heart for Arthur to see.

“You need…” Arthur took a deep breath. “I want you to have this,” he offered the journal he held in his hand. “You don’t have to read it, but it’s yours.”

Merlin’s hands shook as he took the offered book. He held it as though it was a preciously fragile gift and Arthur realized that it was. His heart was in that book, his being and how he felt and what he thought and everything in his heart had been poured painstakingly in vivid colours. He wondered, not for the first time, if that hadn’t been his intention from the start. Document everything so Merlin could see him with none of the filters he always tried to maintain.

“Will you read it to me?” Merlin asked softly, stroking the leather in awe.

Arthur shook his head. “I …can’t. I haven’t even read it since I wrote each entry. It’s probably just as much of a surprise to me as it is you if I’m honest.”

With a nod, Merlin held the book to his chest as if protecting it.

“I …I was going to leave tonight when Gwen admitted you were coming. She expected you to come earlier and kept checking the door. She was jittery and jumping every time it opened and finally she confessed.” Merlin’s voice was soft, full of emotion. Arthur could only nod. “I got to the door and …I saw you walking up. I saw you get out of the taxi and walk up but then I saw your father step up behind you and saw the change in you. I … I’ve only heard of Uther from Morgana and I saw the panic in your eyes.”

“I… that day..”

“I know,” Merlin soothed the wrinkles from Arthur’s brow. He let his fingers dance on Arthur’s face, the electricity between them crackling. “She came to see me, tried to make me understand the type of man he is. I will admit, I couldn’t understand what she was telling me. I’ve just only ever heard about the type of person he is existing in television or movies. But I’ve never seen her so desperate either. It was like she needed me to see what she was saying, she needed to make me understand what I’d heard because there was no way she’d let Uther ruin us.”

“Merlin,” Arthur felt his eyes tearing up, his chest constricting. “You have to know…”

“I know,” Merlin understood. “I heard you tonight, warning him to leave us alone. I don’t want to know what he threatened you with, I just want you to know … since that night, the first night you came and I read and you laughed at my name and Morgana made fun of you and she and Gwaine came up to join us and promised that would be a night none of us would ever forget…” Merlin took a deep breath to regain his composure. “I’ve known.”

“Known what?” Arthur needed to know. He was in over his head and the only thing keeping him grounded was where his hands were clutched in Merlin’s shirt at his hips. He could feel the panic rising again yet just Merlin’s touch, his presence beside him was comforting.

“I love you,” Merlin said simply. “And I forgive you. I know this is going to be hard but I know that none of that matters. Because I love you and you deserve to be loved.”

“I don’t,” Arthur truly believed he didn’t. He was ashamed and embarrassed for feeling that way, but it was the truth. And Merlin deserved the truth.

“If you didn’t deserve it, it wouldn’t be so easy to do it. And you wouldn’t have so many people who do.” Merlin nodded to their friends who were all sitting at the table to his right and Merlin’s left, watching them with unashamed intensity. They all nodded in unison and Arthur felt his eyes water.

Morgana stood up and approached the two, pulling them both into her wide embrace. “We do Arthur. Although lord knows you’re an ass, pompous and a spoiled brat. And I will deny this whole display of emotion until the day that I die, but if anyone deserves this it’s you Arthur. And we’re going to do everything we have to until you believe it.”

“And then even after,” Gwen said through her tears as she launched herself at first Arthur and then Merlin, hugging them both tight enough that they couldn’t help but squawk at her hold. “Damn you both for making me cry,” she mumbled as she returned to Lance’s side and curled up beside him. They watched her whisper something into her boyfriend’s ear and his grin growing exponentially. He grabbed his and Gwen’s belongings before standing and approaching Merlin and Arthur.

“Thanks boys. It’s only fair if we all benefit from this display, so Gwen and I are going to head home.”

They said their goodbyes much to Merlin and Arthur’s embarrassed grins and the congratulations of all of the men except for Elyan who covered his ears in protest of hearing what his baby sister was going home to do.

“I love you,” Arthur whispered as he pulled Merlin in, resting their foreheads together. Their lips met in a hesitant kiss which quickly turned deep and hungry. “And I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“You were hurt too,” Merlin replied, kissing Arthur again. His tongue traced the blonde’s lips until their mouths opened enough for Merlin to move in and deepen the kiss. “Stop apologizing…” The rest of Merlin’s thought was lost as Arthur’s journal slipped to the floor between them. Bending over to pick it up, Merlin noticed something had come loose. It was a key. “This is…”

“For you,” Arthur said blushing. “Morgana said … Will …key, you didn’t give him one because you didn’t want him at your flat when you were there let alone when you weren’t so…”

“So?” Merlin said with a grin, pulling Arthur in for a hungry kiss.

“I want you at my flat.”

“When?” His tone was teasing, his lips curled into a knowing smile. Arthur’s pulse sped up at the pure bliss in Merlin’s gaze and felt something inside of him loosen. It would be a long road, it would take a lot of work to change him but if anyone could do it, Arthur knew it would be this man. This angel.

“Always,” Arthur answered. He watched as Merlin dug into his pocket and pulled out his key ring. It looked like the key ring for everything he had, not just his house. Shocked, Arthur took it when Merlin handed it to him. “What…?”

Merlin pressed a kiss to his lips and smiled against Arthur’s mouth. “I want you at my flat. Always.”

“Don’t you need the keys to get in?”

Merlin shrugged and pulled Arthur into a tight hug, their bodies flush against one another. He sighed against Arthur’s ear before responding. “I don’t want to be there if you’re not there. I want to be wherever you are.”

They shared another series of kisses not realizing that the rest of their friends had left them, all venturing out on their own. The only one left at the Round Table was Gwaine, who was currently sitting behind the counter, using every trick in his arsenal to flirt outrageously with Elena.

“I … I think your mother is wonderful,” Arthur admitted. “She is wonderful and beautiful and you are lucky to have her in your life.” It was something he needed to say, something he needed Merlin to know. Thankfully, the other man nodded in understanding.

“I want her to meet you properly.” He paused for a moment and frowned. “I don’t want to meet Uther. The night might end in homicide.”

Arthur laughed as he fell into another kiss with Merlin. He loved the feeling of their fingers entwined and the way his cheeks hurt from the wide smile on his face. “Morgana says the same thing every time she sees him.” They gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes.

“I love you,” Arthur confessed again, feeling free with each pass of the words from his lips.

“I love you too Arthur,” Merlin responded. “Always.”

Finis.