J2 Big Bang Gone In An Instant (Or Here Til The Bitter End) Jared/Jensen NC17 10/13
Back to Chapter 9
Death couldn’t be this painful, so Jared must still be alive. He was curled up in the middle of his bed, Tank snoring softly beside him and the memories of the events from the evening before playing in a loop in his head. Movement caught his attention from the corner of his eye, Jared turned to see Chad sprawled out on his computer chair, legs propped up on the edge of his bed and neck bent at an awkward angle. He gave a soft chuckle and kicked Chad’s feet off of his bed. The blonde flailed and fell off of the chair, hitting the floor with a thud and a scream that caused for his door to open sharply minutes later. Sophia and Genevieve stood there with mirroring expressions of concern on their faces.
“Oh my god, what happened?” Sophia squealed.
“Jared, are you okay?” Genevieve rushed into the room and climbed onto the bed hugging Jared tightly.
“That fucker kicked me off the chair and you’re making sure HE’S okay?” Chad groaned from his position on the floor. He rubbed his neck and tried to stretch the kinks out of it.
“What the fuck are you doing in here anyway?”
Chad gave an embarrassed smile and refused to meet Jared’s eyes. It wasn’t often that Chad showed any type of emotion that made him vulnerable so Jared was touched at how awkward his friend seemed. Especially after the night before and how unconcerned he’d been for Jared’s emotional welfare.
“You were really fucked up last night,” Chad explained. “I was…” He fought to find the right words, stuttering awkwardly. “See…I … and I thought that…”
“He was worried about you,” Sophia gave an exasperated shake of her head. “He was worried about your giant ass so he wanted to sleep in here to make sure you were okay.”
Jared smiled affectionately at his friend and pulled him onto the bed where he and Genevieve now sat. “Awww, you love me.”
“Well, I don’t hate you Sasquatch,” Chad growled. He finally met Jared’s eyes and they shared a quiet moment between them. Jared could see the apology in their blue depths at the evening before and how insensitive Chad had been and any ill feelings he was harbouring disappeared.
“I love you too Chad.”
Nothing was resolved. Jared hadn’t even begun to work out what had happened the night before and what it meant for him and Jensen, but with one look around the room he knew that whatever happened, he would be okay. Eventually. And it would be a hard, long road to recover from, but he would. And when he did survive and come out of it all, he would be stronger and better for it.
But for now, he had to actually get through it. He had to speak to Jensen, as much as he didn’t want to do that right now. He had to find out what had happened, where things had gone wrong and then maybe see what could be done to repair the damage to his breaking heart.
The four friends went downstairs to the living room, curled up together on the various pieces of furniture. Jared settled comfortably on the couch with Genevieve in his arms. “Where’s Danni,” he whispered softly against her ear. She stiffened and relaxed instantly, almost too fast for him to catch but he had.
“That traitor is with your asshole boyfriend,” Genevieve growled causing Jared to laugh. “What is so fucking funny?”
“I love you so much, Gen.” Jared admitted affectionately. They sat in silence for a few moments before he continued. “Something’s wrong, Gen. I don’t know what it is or why, but he’s so fucking…not him lately. And I don’t even recognize him. He was hurting last night and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
“But that guy,” Chad argued. Jared hadn’t realized the other two were listening to their conversation. “Who was he? Do you think Jen has been cheating with him?”
There was one thing that Jared was certain of above all things, Jensen wouldn’t cheat on him. He just wasn’t that type of person. He could get angry, he could push Jared away and treat him horribly, but he would never cheat on him. “No way,” he said in all certainty. “Never would happen.”
They continued to talk about what had been happening with Jensen lately. Since they had started dating, all of Jared’s friends had become very close with Jensen and were worried about what had caused him to be acting out as he had been. It wasn’t like Jensen to be so ruthless, so cold to someone they knew he loved more than anything. The more they spoke about what had happened the evening before, the more Jared’s stomach began to churn. He felt the same desperation start to creep up, the confusion of how things had gone so wrong so quickly.
A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. The whole room went silent as Genevieve jumped up to get the door. Jared listened as she opened the door, didn’t hear her speak a word and then the door slammed causing them all to jump. Jared watched as Genevieve re-entered the living room and sat back down on the couch, oblivious to the stares she received.
“Okay, I’ll bite,” Sophia said with a laugh. “Who was at the door Genevieve?”
Genevieve shrugged and looked over at where Sophia and Chad were watching her with wide eyes. “Wrong house.”
“Gen?” Jared said sternly.
“Jay?”
“Who was at the door?”
“No one.”
Jared didn’t need to be told who was there, he knew it was Jensen. They all knew it was Jensen. The second he made a move to stand up, Genevieve was on his lap as if her light weight would keep him rooted to the couch. He gathered her up in his arms and deposited her between Chad and Sophia. “Please hold on to her so I can get the door.”
“Jared….” Genevieve’s voice was pleading, her eyes filled with remorse. “Please.”
“What do you want me to do Gen?” he asked softly. “I can’t avoid him, I can’t ignore it.”
“He doesn’t deserve you,” she admitted in a low voice. Their eyes met across the room but Jared could only shrug.
“That’s not fair.”
Jared walked to the front door and took a deep, cleansing breath before he answered it. Sitting on the top step was Jensen, curled over himself as if trying to ward off the chill in the air. He sat with a threadbare coat, the coat Jensen swore would get him through another winter but Jared had repeatedly tried to convince him to replace.
“I’m not leaving until I speak to him,” Jensen’s voice was dull, flat and emotionless. He didn’t turn around, his shoulders sagging with defeat. Jared’s heart continued to break at the sight of his boyfriend in obvious distress.
“Does that mean when you speak to him you will leave? Because if so, then he doesn’t want to speak to you.” Jared watched Jensen startle and jump up, spinning so quickly on the steps that he began to slide. Jared stepped forward quickly to catch Jensen from falling down the stairs. He pulled the shorter man into his embrace and held him tightly, refusing to let go.
“Jared,” Jensen breathed. Their eyes locked and a million emotions passed between them. Jensen must have seen something in his gaze, his eyes widened and he cupped Jared’s face in his hands. “I didn’t…we didn’t…Misha and I…”
Jared hadn’t expected it, he was confused by Jensen’s mumbling. “I don’t…”
“Misha. We didn’t…I didn’t cheat on you.”
Jared’s laughter seemed to confuse Jensen. “You think I thought you cheated? You think that’s why I was upset?”
“I just…” Jensen licked his lips and rest his forehead on Jared’s cheek. “I don’t want you to think that’s what was going on. With him.”
“I don’t care what’s going on with Misha,” Jared admitted. “I care what’s going on with you. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me, but what the fuck is going on.”
Both men were trembling, from the cold as well as the multitude of emotions battling between them. Jared could see the devastation in Jensen’s eyes, the weight resting on his shoulders and he wanted nothing more than to rid him of it.
“Talk to me Jen, come inside and talk to me.”
Jared’s heart fell when he saw Jensen shake his head. “No.”
“NO?” It was as though Jared had been slapped. He stepped back in recoil when Jensen stepped forward.
“No. Not no. Not I don’t want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go inside.” Jensen looked over Jared’s shoulder and shrank back. “I don’t think I’m all that welcome here.”
Jared cupped Jensen’s face in his hands. “I don’t care what she says, I don’t care what anyone says. You’re welcome here as long as you want to be. We fought. We’ve BEEN fighting Jen, but unless I’ve missed a pivotal point in the argument, we’re still together. I’m still your boyfriend and you still have an open invitation to this house. “
“I love you Jared, nothing is going to change that.”
Jared gave a nod and kissed Jensen’s lips softly. “I told you last night that I love you. I still love you and that whatever has been going on between us, I don’t want it to end. We are all that matters in this relationship.”
“There is so much...” Jensen admitted. His eyes watched Jared’s in awe, as if he couldn’t believe they were there. Jared couldn’t help but be honest with the other man though.
“You owe me an explanation, Jen. I want answers and I deserve an apology. This isn’t over.”
“I know.” Jensen swallowed thickly. “I just didn’t think…” Jensen took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. “I wouldn’t let myself hope that you would let me explain. That I would get the chance. I would have understood if you just shut me out.”
“Fuck Jen, what is wrong? Why would you think I would throw this away so easily?”
“You deserve so much better, Jay, than someone who has no fucking clue what they’re doing. I’m a fucking mess.”
Jared watched Jensen start to cry and his shoulders began to shake with the force of his sobs. He pulled his boyfriend in and hugged him tight, whispering into his hair. “But you’re my mess Jensen Ackles.”
It took some convincing but Jared pulled Jensen into the house to wait for him to get dressed. He went upstairs to put on clothes he could wear out and got ready to leave the house. Upon reaching the top of the staircase, Jared saw Chad walk into the front hall and he paused to see what his friend would say and do.
Jensen looked obviously awkward at the interaction and Jared’s heart swelled with love for him. He held his breath as they spoke.
“Hey Jensen,” Chad approached slowly, as if he was afraid Jensen would bolt. Judging from the expression on Jen’s face, it was a possibility that he might.
“Ch-chad.”
Chad stepped into Jensen’s space and waited patiently for the other man to look at him. When their eyes met he gave a supportive smile. “How are you? You holding up okay?”
To say Jensen was stunned by the civilities would be an understatement. He couldn’t find the words to answer the blonde, so instead he nodded. When Chad raised an eyebrow Jensen lowered his gaze and shook his head.
“No.”
In a move that surprised Jared as much as it seemed to surprise Jensen, Chad pulled Jensen into a tight hug and slapped him on the back a few times. “It’ll work out. I’ve fucked up a lot worse a fuck lot more times than you have and I’m still here.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Jensen admitted with a sigh. He hadn’t expected any type of warmth from any of Jared’s friends, especially after the warning Genevieve had given him when she slammed the door in his face.
“It means, when the Sasquatch loves, he loves hard. And forever. And you, asshat, he loves. Probably more than the rest of us combined.” He stepped back and looked at Jensen with calculating eyes. “Did you fuck someone else?”
Jared watched Jensen’s colour drain from his face and his eyes widen.
“NO,” he protested.
“Yeah, we didn’t think so.” Chad punctuated his statement with a wink and a punch to the shoulder. “Kill someone?”
“No.”
“Kick any puppies?”
“No.” For the first time since he’d arrived, Jensen gave a smile.
“Touch his computer when he explicitly told you not to because he was working on a new code that was worth half of his grade and wouldn’t have enough time to redo it if it got fucked up?”
Jensen figured that was Chad speaking from experience. He chuckled and shook his head. “Do not touch the laptop. Especially without Jared standing directly behind you telling you what keys to push. That was the first lesson I learned.”
“See, you’re already doing better than me.” Chad raised an eyebrow as if he was deep in thought. “Did you get so drunk one night at a party that you ended up making out with his sister for about ten minutes before someone warned you who she was?”
Jared couldn’t keep quiet any longer and began to laugh, startling Chad so much that he squealed. Jensen watched Chad back up slowly, as if not wanting to turn his back on his best friend. “Hypothetically, I was asking hypothetical questions…” He pleaded.
Jared reached out like he was going to punch Chad, but when the shorter man flinched he only cuffed him affectionately on the shoulder. “She already told me about it douche nozzle. I know.”
“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck,” Chad mumbled under his breath. He flashed Jensen a worried look and tried to justify it. “I was drunk and Soph and I were on a break and…”
“You made out with Meggie?” Genevieve squealed with a laugh, startling everyone. Chad gave another undignified yelp as he ran back into the living room to seek solace with his girlfriend. The three stood in the hallway awkwardly. Jared saw Genevieve open her mouth to say something and he beat her to it.
“We’re going out. Somehow Jensen has the idea he’s not welcome here,” Jared glared as Genevieve had the decency to shrink back. She wouldn’t meet either of their eyes. “So we’re going to go to neutral ground and talk.”
“You can stay here,” Genevieve whispered so softly that neither man heard her. When they didn’t respond, she repeated herself louder.
“No, it’s okay. I need coffee and something to eat and I need to get out of here and get fresh air.”
When they were halfway out the door Jensen paused and turned around. He looked directly at Genevieve before speaking. “Please call Danni,” he pleaded. “She… we’ve…we’ve been there for each other for so long it’s hard to just stop.”
Genevieve didn’t answer, she barely reacted to his words.
“I would do the same if it were her. If I knew she’d been a douchebag and didn’t deserve anyone’s support, I would still be there with her. ”
Jared gripped Jensen’s hand in his own as he watched Genevieve squirm under their stare. “It’s because you’re friends. Because that’s what friends do and I don’t blame her for going home with you last night. I’m glad you had someone to take care of you.”
“She loves you,” Jensen knew it wasn’t his place to tell the other woman that but couldn’t help but feel responsible for the rift between the two women. “And she’s at home right now, beating herself up because you’re mad at her. Because you think she’s a traitor. Please don’t punish her for something that’s my fault.”
Genevieve burst into tears before running up the stairs. They waited until her door slammed shut. Jared then tugged Jensen’s hand and led him from the house. “Come on, we have a lot of talking to do.”
They went to their favourite diner, a spot that they’d spent many a night at when one or both couldn’t sleep, or when they just needed somewhere to go to talk and get out of their houses. Jared led them past the large groups of people to a quiet corner. They sat awkwardly for a few moments until the waitress came by to take their order.
Jared reached across the table to grab Jensen’s hand, threading their fingers together. Once their drinks had been delivered, he spoke. “Please, talk to me.”
He watched Jensen take a deep breath and could feel the trembling in his hands. “I don’t talk about my feelings very well,” he admitted softly. “I know this and I’m sorry.”
It was clear that Jensen needed to get everything out of his head, in his own words and time. Jared could wait, he had all the time in the world for it.
“But it doesn’t make it right.” Jensen looked up and into Jared’s eyes. This was the man he’d fallen in love with, this was the Jensen Jared knew.
“For a while I thought it was me, that there was a problem with me that made you not want to talk to me about anything,” Jared admitted softly. When he saw Jensen make a move to interrupt he shook his head. “I know. But then I spoke to Danni and she asked if I knew what was wrong, that you hadn’t been talking to her about what’s been bothering you I knew it was something bigger than that.”
“I’ve just been so fucking lost,” Jensen’s voice was soft, his gaze locked on something over Jared’s shoulder. “And then Chris told me he didn’t know what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. He doesn’t know if he wants to go fully into his music or keep on with school. And I know it’s a year off, but I’m going to have to decide what I want to do after school and I just… I’ve never really not known what I’m going to do.”
Jared nodded, listening intently.
“And I didn’t know what I wanted and I just …the more I wanted to talk to you about it, the less I could. And then the more you would ask and be understanding, the angrier I got.”
They were interrupted by the waitress bringing their meals. With a smile, she placed the plates in front of them and winked. “You boys look like you’re in the middle of something. If you need something, just flag me down.”
They both nodded and gave their thanks. Jared waited patiently for Jensen to continue speaking. It was when they were about half way through their meals that he started again.
“Do you know what you want to do when you’re done school?” Jensen asked. When Jared gave a half shrug Jensen smiled affectionately.
“I haven’t decided. I don’t know if I want to go into IT but coding video games might be really fucking cool. I’m taking an intro half course this term in it and then there is another one next year that I want to look into…”
“See, you are just so amazing …brilliant …” Jensen fought for the word he wanted to use. “That doesn’t bother you because you know that whatever you do you’ll be successful and you’ll love it. I just …I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything. And it’s fucking terrifying not to know what I want to do.”
“What started this? I mean, when we spoke before Christmas Break you had an interview at that rehab centre all lined up and you were going to go in and that’s what you wanted to do. That was your dream placement.”
Jensen nodded as he dipped a few French fries into the ketchup on his plate and popped them in his mouth. “I know. And then I went to the interview…”
Jared remembered that day. Jensen had been so nervous and excited about going, but when he came home he had been so agitated that he hadn’t wanted to speak about it. Jared had assumed that Jensen wasn’t the right fit and he hadn’t been accepted for the spot, and thus hadn’t mentioned it again.
“And I fucking hated it. I saw the people who worked there and they looked miserable. I spoke with the head physiotherapist and she was so rigid in what you could and couldn’t do, and there wouldn’t be any actual hands on with patients until a few years after school and it was just this bullshit place. And the next one was like that too, so I just …I thought that maybe I had built it all up so much that it wasn’t what I wanted. That I couldn’t do what I thought I would be able to do, but there has been nothing else that I’ve wanted to do.”
Jared watched Jensen relive the turmoil he’d been feeling for the past few weeks. He felt the sadness and the desperation that Jensen was feeling and felt guilt for not noticing, for getting upset every time Jensen had gotten angry at him. “I’m sorry, I should have…”
“What? Known? How? Don’t be an asshole.”
It was the first laugh they both shared since sitting down. Jared felt Jensen kick him gently under the table and kicked back.
“I’m so fucking sorry Jay. I know this is mostly my fault and I just need you to know that I know how lucky I am that I have you. How grateful I am that you are so amazing.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Jared said with a shy smile. “I’ve just been so worried and irritated with how little you’ve wanted to talk to me about it and helpless because there’s nothing I can do to make it easier for you, especially when I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“I know.” They finished their meal and Jensen waved off Jared’s offer to pay. “There’s somewhere I want to take you.” Jared raised an eyebrow in question, but followed Jensen out into the brisk afternoon air. “I know you have a lot of questions, and I’ve only really gotten started in telling you what has been happening.”
“Okay.”
As Jensen led Jared to their destination, he continued to talk, explaining some of the issues he had been battling with and providing Jared with an opportunity to ask questions and voice his own concerns. It wasn’t until they had arrived at the Hospital for Sick Kids that Jared faltered.
“What are we doing here Jen?” He asked, looking up at the building in front of him in confusion.
“I’m explaining. The biggest part of the puzzle is in here,” Jensen pulled him into the lobby and towards the elevator. He pushed the button for the 12th floor, which was listed as where the Rehabilitation Clinic was located. Jared regarded Jensen’s facial features, seeing the nervousness and anxiety that was clearly displayed on his face.
Jared couldn’t stand to watch Jensen’s discomfort; he pulled his boyfriend close and kissed him gently. “You know I love you right? No matter what?”
Jensen gave a shaky nod and kissed Jared back thoroughly. “I love you too.” They reached the twelfth floor and Jensen pulled Jared out and onto the brightly decorated floor. They walked down the hall and to the nurse’s station where Jensen smiled at the girl behind the desk. “Hi Allie, is Misha in?”
Jared’s eyes widened at the mention of Misha’s name. He felt his stomach flutter and couldn’t help but flinch. Jensen must have noticed the flinch because he turned to him, pulling Jared in close.
“Do you trust me?” he asked softly. Jared could see the worry in Jensen’s green eyes, the way he bit his lower lip. With a shaky smile, he nodded. There was no question that he trusted Jensen implicitly.
“Of course.”
“Okay.” Jensen turned back to Allie and smiled. “Misha?”
“He’s probably in the rec room.” Jensen thanked the nurse and pulled Jared down the hall.
When they reached the Recreation Room, Jared looked in through the glass door. He could see the man he’d met with Jensen the night before, sitting on the floor with a young boy who looked like he couldn’t be older than eight. They were both sitting with their legs in front of them, stretching and laughing at something Misha was saying. The man in question looked up and Jared could see a look of confusion flash before he covered it up with a smile and a nod. He held up two fingers as if asking them to wait a few moments. Jensen nodded before turning around.
“Okay. So Misha.”
Jared nodded. He felt slightly uncomfortable, a little out of his element but he hadn’t lied when he said he trusted Jensen so he wanted to wait before making any judgements. He couldn’t even begin to understand what this hospital, this wing and Misha had to do with Jensen and what had been going on with him the past few weeks.
“I’ve been having this existential crisis lately, not knowing what I want to do or where to do my placement and just fucking stressed out beyond belief. Well after class one day I was talking to one of my TAs and he mentioned that I should speak to a prof about it. So I did and he suggested that I speak to a friend of his,” Jensen turned and pointed at Misha and then gave a shrug. “I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted to do and he said it wouldn’t hurt to at least talk to this guy, so on Monday I came by.
Beaver, set up an interview and I came in and met with Misha, Dr. Collins. He took me on his rounds for the day, showed me what it is they do here and left me in this room for about an hour to watch some of the rehab in progress. One of the people working that day had graduated about three years ago from my program, and I spent a bit of time talking to her. The more she talked, the more I watched these kids the more I realized that this was exactly what I wanted to do. THIS IS what I want to do. And so …”
Jared‘s eyes filled with tears as he listened to Jensen speak. He saw the passion in his eyes, the pride in his voice and it was inspiring to see just how much Jensen wanted to do this.
“I can make a difference in these kids’ lives Jared. I can help them.”
“I know you can, baby,” Jared agreed.
“So I’ve come by for a bit each day to just observe and make sure that it’s something I can do. Misha suggested I think about it for a few days, to let it sink in. It’s pretty intense in some cases so I just…I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. You know? And the more I came by, the more I just knew I belonged here so yesterday I came by and had everything finalized. I’m going to do my placement here and then see what I need to do to be able to do this full time after I graduate. I got caught up in everything that was happening here…”
“And I was fucking texting you every five minutes…” Jared said softly. He was surprised when Jensen shook his head.
“No. There was just…this was such a big thing and I hadn’t even told you about it. I was sitting in the lounge by myself, just watching your texts come in. I knew I should respond but didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t want to be like oh hey Jay, so I’m going to be doing my placement at Sick Kids and maybe changing my whole focus of my major and sorry I couldn’t talk to you about it, and made this huge life decision which could mean more school after next year and for god knows how long…” Jensen shrugged and nodded at Misha through the door.
Jared didn’t know what to say, where to even begin.
“Then you called and I answered and was such a fucking asshole, but I couldn’t not be. I just didn’t know how to not be a dick, but then Misha came in when I was yelling at you and then he told me that if I had someone who would put up with me treating them like that, he sure as hell wanted to meet them because he didn’t believe that they existed.”
“And I still can’t,” a voice came from behind Jared, causing him to jump. “We meet again, Misha Collins,” Misha introduced himself.
Jared blushed and ducked his head. “Jared Padalecki,” he responded, this time accepting Misha’s hand to shake.
“You’re a lot more understanding than I would be,” Misha admitted with a smile. “I mean, just hearing him yell at you yesterday I was surprised…but then when he told me last night about the last few weeks.”
Jared couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at Jensen who gave an embarrassed shrug.
“I wanted to come and meet you. But that didn’t really turn out like I thought it would.” Misha scratched his jaw pensively, “But then things often don’t turn out how I think they will.”
“I think that’s because you’re certifiable,” Jensen offered honestly. He grabbed onto Jared’s hand, threading their fingers together effortlessly.
“You must have been speaking to my wife.” At the mention of Misha’s wife Jared felt a wave of shame fill him. While he knew deep down that Jensen wouldn’t cheat on him, he couldn’t deny how attractive the young doctor was, and how easily the two men seemed to communicate with each other. It was though they’d always known each other and Jared felt a slight feeling of jealousy course through him.
The three of them spoke for a few more minutes until a nurse brought in another patient for Misha to work with. Misha introduced them to Iris, a five year old girl who had been in a car crash and had broken her leg. Jared and Jensen said their goodbyes and headed back down to the lobby to leave the hospital. Jensen took the opportunity to fill Jared in to the type of program it was. How there were in patients and out patients, all given specific physiotherapy regimes based on their capabilities, level of illness or injury and what the end result would be. Jensen would start out learning the basics and scheduling, determining what patients work with which physiotherapists and doctors before moving up to shadow Misha as well as the other doctors and physiotherapists that were in the department.
Jensen’s excitement was contagious and Jared found himself excited for his boyfriend to start in a week’s time. Eventually, they found themselves back at Jared’s house, surprised to find it quiet. Someone was usually home at all times, but Tank was whining when they opened the door, bursting through it to run down onto the front lawn. He did his business happily before running and chasing his tail, expending the pent up energy that he had amassed at home alone.
“Walk?” Jensen asked with a grin. Tank yelped in response while Jared grabbed his leash. They made their way to Jensen’s house to pick up Ginny. By the time they returned to Jared’s house hours later, both men were hungry and exhausted from the emotional toil that the day had taken on them. They agreed to turn off their phones, sending of texts to their best friends so that they wouldn’t worry and curled up in Jared’s room for a relaxing night together. Jensen ordered pizza while Jared picked out a few movies and they made themselves comfortable.
“Do you really think I’d judge you because you don’t have everything figured out?” Jared asked once they’d relaxed and were drowsy from finishing dinner and the emotional toil of the day. His voice was soft and he ran his fingers through Jensen’s hair affectionately. He felt Jensen take a deep breath, as if he was trying to weigh out his words.
“I think it has more to do with me than you,” Jensen finally said. He shifted so that he could look up into Jared’s eyes, their gazes locked on one another. “I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen, and I don’t like not being in control of things.”
“Sometimes it’s inevitable.”
“I know. And in my head I knew I should talk to you about it, that you’d more likely be able to help me figure it out faster.” Jensen leaned up to kiss him softly, their mouths fitting together perfectly. “You know me better than anyone I’ve ever known before.”
Jared shook his head sadly. “Sometimes I think I have no clue. I think I’m not giving you what you need, and you’re too independent to ask me for it.”
In one smooth movement, Jensen flipped them so that Jared was lying on his back with Jensen straddling him. He held Jared’s arms down and kissed him forcefully.
“Are you serious?” When Jared nodded Jensen placed soft kisses over his eyelids, his nose and finally his mouth. “God, how do you not know,” Jensen whispered with obvious emotion. “You’re my everything, you are why I’m as strong as I am.”
“You are going to be amazing,” Jared assured Jensen with a deep kiss. “Whatever you do, you can’t not succeed.”
“God I hope so.” Their kisses deepened until finally Jared began to pull at Jensen’s shirt.
“Please,” he begged. “I need to feel you.”
“Anything,” Jensen answered. They first stripped Jensen before moving to Jared, ridding both of them of their clothes.
“I was so worried,” Jared admitted when they were naked, pressed together tightly. “I thought you’d… that you didn’t…”
“Never,” Jensen said firmly. “I’ll never not love you. Never.”
“Show me.”
Jensen nodded as he reached into the nightstand for a condom and lube. He began to prepare Jared slowly, teasingly. When he had three fingers inside of the other man, watching him writhe and fuck himself steadily on them he grinned. “Jay?”
“More,” Jared moaned. He needed more of Jensen. All of him.
“In a minute,” Jensen whispered against Jared’s mouth. “Open your eyes.”
Jared’s eyelids were heavy with arousal, his body aching for his orgasm. “Jen?”
“I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. Ever again.”
It wasn’t what Jared was expecting his boyfriend to say just then and in his surprise he froze all movements. “Uhhh good?” He watched Jensen chuckle at his confusion.
“And I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else ever either.”
“Not to be a bitch, but this isn’t news. Is this really a conversation we need to have NOW?”
Jensen licked his lips, watching Jared’s eyes follow the movement of his tongue. “Yes now. Because…” He twisted his fingers inside of Jared’s ass causing him to tremble as his fingers stroked his prostate. “I don’t want to use condoms anymore.”
The feeling of Jensen’s fingers pressing against his prostate mixed with his declaration caused for Jared to lose all control of himself. His hips jerked violently as his orgasm crept up and hit him blindly.
Chuckling, Jensen leaned in to lick Jared’s come from his hip and chest, kissing him hungrily before pulling back. “I take it that you’re okay with that?”
“We’ll get tested, on Monday.” Jared breathing was laboured. “I’m guessing that’s what you’re getting at, you want to stop using condoms but not just yet because we don’t know.”
Jensen nodded. “I’m sure we’re both clean, but I want to make 100 percent sure.”
“Fuck me. Right the fuck now,” Jared growled. He pulled Jensen in between his legs and attacked his mouth hungrily. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”
It took a few minutes, but when Jensen had fully sheathed himself in Jared’s body he stopped to fully enjoy the moment. He thread his fingers with Jared’s and raised them above his head, stretching him out below him as though he were a feast.
They began to move in unison, Jared thrusting up against Jensen’s gyrating hips, their mouths meeting occasionally for hungry, hot kisses. With movements that were becoming increasingly more frantic, Jared felt himself get hard once again. He begged Jensen to jerk him off, needing the contact on his cock to get him to another orgasm so that they could come together. It didn’t take long for both men to reach their release, their cries and shouts of pleasure echoing in the warm sex scented room.
Jared couldn’t help but pull Jensen as close as possible once he had pulled out of his body, disposing of the condom in the garbage next to the bed. “Don’t go, please,” Jared begged softly, his eyes drooping in exhaustion. He knew they should clean up, that they would wake up sticky, dirty and disgusted in the morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he wanted was Jensen, glued to him and pressed tightly against his body. He couldn’t bear to be separated from him right then. He was pleased with Jensen’s response.
Jensen pressed a kiss to Jared’s forehead. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
On To Inerlude 3
Masterpost
Death couldn’t be this painful, so Jared must still be alive. He was curled up in the middle of his bed, Tank snoring softly beside him and the memories of the events from the evening before playing in a loop in his head. Movement caught his attention from the corner of his eye, Jared turned to see Chad sprawled out on his computer chair, legs propped up on the edge of his bed and neck bent at an awkward angle. He gave a soft chuckle and kicked Chad’s feet off of his bed. The blonde flailed and fell off of the chair, hitting the floor with a thud and a scream that caused for his door to open sharply minutes later. Sophia and Genevieve stood there with mirroring expressions of concern on their faces.
“Oh my god, what happened?” Sophia squealed.
“Jared, are you okay?” Genevieve rushed into the room and climbed onto the bed hugging Jared tightly.
“That fucker kicked me off the chair and you’re making sure HE’S okay?” Chad groaned from his position on the floor. He rubbed his neck and tried to stretch the kinks out of it.
“What the fuck are you doing in here anyway?”
Chad gave an embarrassed smile and refused to meet Jared’s eyes. It wasn’t often that Chad showed any type of emotion that made him vulnerable so Jared was touched at how awkward his friend seemed. Especially after the night before and how unconcerned he’d been for Jared’s emotional welfare.
“You were really fucked up last night,” Chad explained. “I was…” He fought to find the right words, stuttering awkwardly. “See…I … and I thought that…”
“He was worried about you,” Sophia gave an exasperated shake of her head. “He was worried about your giant ass so he wanted to sleep in here to make sure you were okay.”
Jared smiled affectionately at his friend and pulled him onto the bed where he and Genevieve now sat. “Awww, you love me.”
“Well, I don’t hate you Sasquatch,” Chad growled. He finally met Jared’s eyes and they shared a quiet moment between them. Jared could see the apology in their blue depths at the evening before and how insensitive Chad had been and any ill feelings he was harbouring disappeared.
“I love you too Chad.”
Nothing was resolved. Jared hadn’t even begun to work out what had happened the night before and what it meant for him and Jensen, but with one look around the room he knew that whatever happened, he would be okay. Eventually. And it would be a hard, long road to recover from, but he would. And when he did survive and come out of it all, he would be stronger and better for it.
But for now, he had to actually get through it. He had to speak to Jensen, as much as he didn’t want to do that right now. He had to find out what had happened, where things had gone wrong and then maybe see what could be done to repair the damage to his breaking heart.
The four friends went downstairs to the living room, curled up together on the various pieces of furniture. Jared settled comfortably on the couch with Genevieve in his arms. “Where’s Danni,” he whispered softly against her ear. She stiffened and relaxed instantly, almost too fast for him to catch but he had.
“That traitor is with your asshole boyfriend,” Genevieve growled causing Jared to laugh. “What is so fucking funny?”
“I love you so much, Gen.” Jared admitted affectionately. They sat in silence for a few moments before he continued. “Something’s wrong, Gen. I don’t know what it is or why, but he’s so fucking…not him lately. And I don’t even recognize him. He was hurting last night and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
“But that guy,” Chad argued. Jared hadn’t realized the other two were listening to their conversation. “Who was he? Do you think Jen has been cheating with him?”
There was one thing that Jared was certain of above all things, Jensen wouldn’t cheat on him. He just wasn’t that type of person. He could get angry, he could push Jared away and treat him horribly, but he would never cheat on him. “No way,” he said in all certainty. “Never would happen.”
They continued to talk about what had been happening with Jensen lately. Since they had started dating, all of Jared’s friends had become very close with Jensen and were worried about what had caused him to be acting out as he had been. It wasn’t like Jensen to be so ruthless, so cold to someone they knew he loved more than anything. The more they spoke about what had happened the evening before, the more Jared’s stomach began to churn. He felt the same desperation start to creep up, the confusion of how things had gone so wrong so quickly.
A knock on the door interrupted their conversation. The whole room went silent as Genevieve jumped up to get the door. Jared listened as she opened the door, didn’t hear her speak a word and then the door slammed causing them all to jump. Jared watched as Genevieve re-entered the living room and sat back down on the couch, oblivious to the stares she received.
“Okay, I’ll bite,” Sophia said with a laugh. “Who was at the door Genevieve?”
Genevieve shrugged and looked over at where Sophia and Chad were watching her with wide eyes. “Wrong house.”
“Gen?” Jared said sternly.
“Jay?”
“Who was at the door?”
“No one.”
Jared didn’t need to be told who was there, he knew it was Jensen. They all knew it was Jensen. The second he made a move to stand up, Genevieve was on his lap as if her light weight would keep him rooted to the couch. He gathered her up in his arms and deposited her between Chad and Sophia. “Please hold on to her so I can get the door.”
“Jared….” Genevieve’s voice was pleading, her eyes filled with remorse. “Please.”
“What do you want me to do Gen?” he asked softly. “I can’t avoid him, I can’t ignore it.”
“He doesn’t deserve you,” she admitted in a low voice. Their eyes met across the room but Jared could only shrug.
“That’s not fair.”
Jared walked to the front door and took a deep, cleansing breath before he answered it. Sitting on the top step was Jensen, curled over himself as if trying to ward off the chill in the air. He sat with a threadbare coat, the coat Jensen swore would get him through another winter but Jared had repeatedly tried to convince him to replace.
“I’m not leaving until I speak to him,” Jensen’s voice was dull, flat and emotionless. He didn’t turn around, his shoulders sagging with defeat. Jared’s heart continued to break at the sight of his boyfriend in obvious distress.
“Does that mean when you speak to him you will leave? Because if so, then he doesn’t want to speak to you.” Jared watched Jensen startle and jump up, spinning so quickly on the steps that he began to slide. Jared stepped forward quickly to catch Jensen from falling down the stairs. He pulled the shorter man into his embrace and held him tightly, refusing to let go.
“Jared,” Jensen breathed. Their eyes locked and a million emotions passed between them. Jensen must have seen something in his gaze, his eyes widened and he cupped Jared’s face in his hands. “I didn’t…we didn’t…Misha and I…”
Jared hadn’t expected it, he was confused by Jensen’s mumbling. “I don’t…”
“Misha. We didn’t…I didn’t cheat on you.”
Jared’s laughter seemed to confuse Jensen. “You think I thought you cheated? You think that’s why I was upset?”
“I just…” Jensen licked his lips and rest his forehead on Jared’s cheek. “I don’t want you to think that’s what was going on. With him.”
“I don’t care what’s going on with Misha,” Jared admitted. “I care what’s going on with you. I know you wouldn’t cheat on me, but what the fuck is going on.”
Both men were trembling, from the cold as well as the multitude of emotions battling between them. Jared could see the devastation in Jensen’s eyes, the weight resting on his shoulders and he wanted nothing more than to rid him of it.
“Talk to me Jen, come inside and talk to me.”
Jared’s heart fell when he saw Jensen shake his head. “No.”
“NO?” It was as though Jared had been slapped. He stepped back in recoil when Jensen stepped forward.
“No. Not no. Not I don’t want to talk to you. No, I don’t want to go inside.” Jensen looked over Jared’s shoulder and shrank back. “I don’t think I’m all that welcome here.”
Jared cupped Jensen’s face in his hands. “I don’t care what she says, I don’t care what anyone says. You’re welcome here as long as you want to be. We fought. We’ve BEEN fighting Jen, but unless I’ve missed a pivotal point in the argument, we’re still together. I’m still your boyfriend and you still have an open invitation to this house. “
“I love you Jared, nothing is going to change that.”
Jared gave a nod and kissed Jensen’s lips softly. “I told you last night that I love you. I still love you and that whatever has been going on between us, I don’t want it to end. We are all that matters in this relationship.”
“There is so much...” Jensen admitted. His eyes watched Jared’s in awe, as if he couldn’t believe they were there. Jared couldn’t help but be honest with the other man though.
“You owe me an explanation, Jen. I want answers and I deserve an apology. This isn’t over.”
“I know.” Jensen swallowed thickly. “I just didn’t think…” Jensen took a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. “I wouldn’t let myself hope that you would let me explain. That I would get the chance. I would have understood if you just shut me out.”
“Fuck Jen, what is wrong? Why would you think I would throw this away so easily?”
“You deserve so much better, Jay, than someone who has no fucking clue what they’re doing. I’m a fucking mess.”
Jared watched Jensen start to cry and his shoulders began to shake with the force of his sobs. He pulled his boyfriend in and hugged him tight, whispering into his hair. “But you’re my mess Jensen Ackles.”
It took some convincing but Jared pulled Jensen into the house to wait for him to get dressed. He went upstairs to put on clothes he could wear out and got ready to leave the house. Upon reaching the top of the staircase, Jared saw Chad walk into the front hall and he paused to see what his friend would say and do.
Jensen looked obviously awkward at the interaction and Jared’s heart swelled with love for him. He held his breath as they spoke.
“Hey Jensen,” Chad approached slowly, as if he was afraid Jensen would bolt. Judging from the expression on Jen’s face, it was a possibility that he might.
“Ch-chad.”
Chad stepped into Jensen’s space and waited patiently for the other man to look at him. When their eyes met he gave a supportive smile. “How are you? You holding up okay?”
To say Jensen was stunned by the civilities would be an understatement. He couldn’t find the words to answer the blonde, so instead he nodded. When Chad raised an eyebrow Jensen lowered his gaze and shook his head.
“No.”
In a move that surprised Jared as much as it seemed to surprise Jensen, Chad pulled Jensen into a tight hug and slapped him on the back a few times. “It’ll work out. I’ve fucked up a lot worse a fuck lot more times than you have and I’m still here.”
“I don’t know what that means,” Jensen admitted with a sigh. He hadn’t expected any type of warmth from any of Jared’s friends, especially after the warning Genevieve had given him when she slammed the door in his face.
“It means, when the Sasquatch loves, he loves hard. And forever. And you, asshat, he loves. Probably more than the rest of us combined.” He stepped back and looked at Jensen with calculating eyes. “Did you fuck someone else?”
Jared watched Jensen’s colour drain from his face and his eyes widen.
“NO,” he protested.
“Yeah, we didn’t think so.” Chad punctuated his statement with a wink and a punch to the shoulder. “Kill someone?”
“No.”
“Kick any puppies?”
“No.” For the first time since he’d arrived, Jensen gave a smile.
“Touch his computer when he explicitly told you not to because he was working on a new code that was worth half of his grade and wouldn’t have enough time to redo it if it got fucked up?”
Jensen figured that was Chad speaking from experience. He chuckled and shook his head. “Do not touch the laptop. Especially without Jared standing directly behind you telling you what keys to push. That was the first lesson I learned.”
“See, you’re already doing better than me.” Chad raised an eyebrow as if he was deep in thought. “Did you get so drunk one night at a party that you ended up making out with his sister for about ten minutes before someone warned you who she was?”
Jared couldn’t keep quiet any longer and began to laugh, startling Chad so much that he squealed. Jensen watched Chad back up slowly, as if not wanting to turn his back on his best friend. “Hypothetically, I was asking hypothetical questions…” He pleaded.
Jared reached out like he was going to punch Chad, but when the shorter man flinched he only cuffed him affectionately on the shoulder. “She already told me about it douche nozzle. I know.”
“Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck,” Chad mumbled under his breath. He flashed Jensen a worried look and tried to justify it. “I was drunk and Soph and I were on a break and…”
“You made out with Meggie?” Genevieve squealed with a laugh, startling everyone. Chad gave another undignified yelp as he ran back into the living room to seek solace with his girlfriend. The three stood in the hallway awkwardly. Jared saw Genevieve open her mouth to say something and he beat her to it.
“We’re going out. Somehow Jensen has the idea he’s not welcome here,” Jared glared as Genevieve had the decency to shrink back. She wouldn’t meet either of their eyes. “So we’re going to go to neutral ground and talk.”
“You can stay here,” Genevieve whispered so softly that neither man heard her. When they didn’t respond, she repeated herself louder.
“No, it’s okay. I need coffee and something to eat and I need to get out of here and get fresh air.”
When they were halfway out the door Jensen paused and turned around. He looked directly at Genevieve before speaking. “Please call Danni,” he pleaded. “She… we’ve…we’ve been there for each other for so long it’s hard to just stop.”
Genevieve didn’t answer, she barely reacted to his words.
“I would do the same if it were her. If I knew she’d been a douchebag and didn’t deserve anyone’s support, I would still be there with her. ”
Jared gripped Jensen’s hand in his own as he watched Genevieve squirm under their stare. “It’s because you’re friends. Because that’s what friends do and I don’t blame her for going home with you last night. I’m glad you had someone to take care of you.”
“She loves you,” Jensen knew it wasn’t his place to tell the other woman that but couldn’t help but feel responsible for the rift between the two women. “And she’s at home right now, beating herself up because you’re mad at her. Because you think she’s a traitor. Please don’t punish her for something that’s my fault.”
Genevieve burst into tears before running up the stairs. They waited until her door slammed shut. Jared then tugged Jensen’s hand and led him from the house. “Come on, we have a lot of talking to do.”
They went to their favourite diner, a spot that they’d spent many a night at when one or both couldn’t sleep, or when they just needed somewhere to go to talk and get out of their houses. Jared led them past the large groups of people to a quiet corner. They sat awkwardly for a few moments until the waitress came by to take their order.
Jared reached across the table to grab Jensen’s hand, threading their fingers together. Once their drinks had been delivered, he spoke. “Please, talk to me.”
He watched Jensen take a deep breath and could feel the trembling in his hands. “I don’t talk about my feelings very well,” he admitted softly. “I know this and I’m sorry.”
It was clear that Jensen needed to get everything out of his head, in his own words and time. Jared could wait, he had all the time in the world for it.
“But it doesn’t make it right.” Jensen looked up and into Jared’s eyes. This was the man he’d fallen in love with, this was the Jensen Jared knew.
“For a while I thought it was me, that there was a problem with me that made you not want to talk to me about anything,” Jared admitted softly. When he saw Jensen make a move to interrupt he shook his head. “I know. But then I spoke to Danni and she asked if I knew what was wrong, that you hadn’t been talking to her about what’s been bothering you I knew it was something bigger than that.”
“I’ve just been so fucking lost,” Jensen’s voice was soft, his gaze locked on something over Jared’s shoulder. “And then Chris told me he didn’t know what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. He doesn’t know if he wants to go fully into his music or keep on with school. And I know it’s a year off, but I’m going to have to decide what I want to do after school and I just… I’ve never really not known what I’m going to do.”
Jared nodded, listening intently.
“And I didn’t know what I wanted and I just …the more I wanted to talk to you about it, the less I could. And then the more you would ask and be understanding, the angrier I got.”
They were interrupted by the waitress bringing their meals. With a smile, she placed the plates in front of them and winked. “You boys look like you’re in the middle of something. If you need something, just flag me down.”
They both nodded and gave their thanks. Jared waited patiently for Jensen to continue speaking. It was when they were about half way through their meals that he started again.
“Do you know what you want to do when you’re done school?” Jensen asked. When Jared gave a half shrug Jensen smiled affectionately.
“I haven’t decided. I don’t know if I want to go into IT but coding video games might be really fucking cool. I’m taking an intro half course this term in it and then there is another one next year that I want to look into…”
“See, you are just so amazing …brilliant …” Jensen fought for the word he wanted to use. “That doesn’t bother you because you know that whatever you do you’ll be successful and you’ll love it. I just …I don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything. And it’s fucking terrifying not to know what I want to do.”
“What started this? I mean, when we spoke before Christmas Break you had an interview at that rehab centre all lined up and you were going to go in and that’s what you wanted to do. That was your dream placement.”
Jensen nodded as he dipped a few French fries into the ketchup on his plate and popped them in his mouth. “I know. And then I went to the interview…”
Jared remembered that day. Jensen had been so nervous and excited about going, but when he came home he had been so agitated that he hadn’t wanted to speak about it. Jared had assumed that Jensen wasn’t the right fit and he hadn’t been accepted for the spot, and thus hadn’t mentioned it again.
“And I fucking hated it. I saw the people who worked there and they looked miserable. I spoke with the head physiotherapist and she was so rigid in what you could and couldn’t do, and there wouldn’t be any actual hands on with patients until a few years after school and it was just this bullshit place. And the next one was like that too, so I just …I thought that maybe I had built it all up so much that it wasn’t what I wanted. That I couldn’t do what I thought I would be able to do, but there has been nothing else that I’ve wanted to do.”
Jared watched Jensen relive the turmoil he’d been feeling for the past few weeks. He felt the sadness and the desperation that Jensen was feeling and felt guilt for not noticing, for getting upset every time Jensen had gotten angry at him. “I’m sorry, I should have…”
“What? Known? How? Don’t be an asshole.”
It was the first laugh they both shared since sitting down. Jared felt Jensen kick him gently under the table and kicked back.
“I’m so fucking sorry Jay. I know this is mostly my fault and I just need you to know that I know how lucky I am that I have you. How grateful I am that you are so amazing.”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” Jared said with a shy smile. “I’ve just been so worried and irritated with how little you’ve wanted to talk to me about it and helpless because there’s nothing I can do to make it easier for you, especially when I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“I know.” They finished their meal and Jensen waved off Jared’s offer to pay. “There’s somewhere I want to take you.” Jared raised an eyebrow in question, but followed Jensen out into the brisk afternoon air. “I know you have a lot of questions, and I’ve only really gotten started in telling you what has been happening.”
“Okay.”
As Jensen led Jared to their destination, he continued to talk, explaining some of the issues he had been battling with and providing Jared with an opportunity to ask questions and voice his own concerns. It wasn’t until they had arrived at the Hospital for Sick Kids that Jared faltered.
“What are we doing here Jen?” He asked, looking up at the building in front of him in confusion.
“I’m explaining. The biggest part of the puzzle is in here,” Jensen pulled him into the lobby and towards the elevator. He pushed the button for the 12th floor, which was listed as where the Rehabilitation Clinic was located. Jared regarded Jensen’s facial features, seeing the nervousness and anxiety that was clearly displayed on his face.
Jared couldn’t stand to watch Jensen’s discomfort; he pulled his boyfriend close and kissed him gently. “You know I love you right? No matter what?”
Jensen gave a shaky nod and kissed Jared back thoroughly. “I love you too.” They reached the twelfth floor and Jensen pulled Jared out and onto the brightly decorated floor. They walked down the hall and to the nurse’s station where Jensen smiled at the girl behind the desk. “Hi Allie, is Misha in?”
Jared’s eyes widened at the mention of Misha’s name. He felt his stomach flutter and couldn’t help but flinch. Jensen must have noticed the flinch because he turned to him, pulling Jared in close.
“Do you trust me?” he asked softly. Jared could see the worry in Jensen’s green eyes, the way he bit his lower lip. With a shaky smile, he nodded. There was no question that he trusted Jensen implicitly.
“Of course.”
“Okay.” Jensen turned back to Allie and smiled. “Misha?”
“He’s probably in the rec room.” Jensen thanked the nurse and pulled Jared down the hall.
When they reached the Recreation Room, Jared looked in through the glass door. He could see the man he’d met with Jensen the night before, sitting on the floor with a young boy who looked like he couldn’t be older than eight. They were both sitting with their legs in front of them, stretching and laughing at something Misha was saying. The man in question looked up and Jared could see a look of confusion flash before he covered it up with a smile and a nod. He held up two fingers as if asking them to wait a few moments. Jensen nodded before turning around.
“Okay. So Misha.”
Jared nodded. He felt slightly uncomfortable, a little out of his element but he hadn’t lied when he said he trusted Jensen so he wanted to wait before making any judgements. He couldn’t even begin to understand what this hospital, this wing and Misha had to do with Jensen and what had been going on with him the past few weeks.
“I’ve been having this existential crisis lately, not knowing what I want to do or where to do my placement and just fucking stressed out beyond belief. Well after class one day I was talking to one of my TAs and he mentioned that I should speak to a prof about it. So I did and he suggested that I speak to a friend of his,” Jensen turned and pointed at Misha and then gave a shrug. “I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted to do and he said it wouldn’t hurt to at least talk to this guy, so on Monday I came by.
Beaver, set up an interview and I came in and met with Misha, Dr. Collins. He took me on his rounds for the day, showed me what it is they do here and left me in this room for about an hour to watch some of the rehab in progress. One of the people working that day had graduated about three years ago from my program, and I spent a bit of time talking to her. The more she talked, the more I watched these kids the more I realized that this was exactly what I wanted to do. THIS IS what I want to do. And so …”
Jared‘s eyes filled with tears as he listened to Jensen speak. He saw the passion in his eyes, the pride in his voice and it was inspiring to see just how much Jensen wanted to do this.
“I can make a difference in these kids’ lives Jared. I can help them.”
“I know you can, baby,” Jared agreed.
“So I’ve come by for a bit each day to just observe and make sure that it’s something I can do. Misha suggested I think about it for a few days, to let it sink in. It’s pretty intense in some cases so I just…I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. You know? And the more I came by, the more I just knew I belonged here so yesterday I came by and had everything finalized. I’m going to do my placement here and then see what I need to do to be able to do this full time after I graduate. I got caught up in everything that was happening here…”
“And I was fucking texting you every five minutes…” Jared said softly. He was surprised when Jensen shook his head.
“No. There was just…this was such a big thing and I hadn’t even told you about it. I was sitting in the lounge by myself, just watching your texts come in. I knew I should respond but didn’t even know where to start. I didn’t want to be like oh hey Jay, so I’m going to be doing my placement at Sick Kids and maybe changing my whole focus of my major and sorry I couldn’t talk to you about it, and made this huge life decision which could mean more school after next year and for god knows how long…” Jensen shrugged and nodded at Misha through the door.
Jared didn’t know what to say, where to even begin.
“Then you called and I answered and was such a fucking asshole, but I couldn’t not be. I just didn’t know how to not be a dick, but then Misha came in when I was yelling at you and then he told me that if I had someone who would put up with me treating them like that, he sure as hell wanted to meet them because he didn’t believe that they existed.”
“And I still can’t,” a voice came from behind Jared, causing him to jump. “We meet again, Misha Collins,” Misha introduced himself.
Jared blushed and ducked his head. “Jared Padalecki,” he responded, this time accepting Misha’s hand to shake.
“You’re a lot more understanding than I would be,” Misha admitted with a smile. “I mean, just hearing him yell at you yesterday I was surprised…but then when he told me last night about the last few weeks.”
Jared couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at Jensen who gave an embarrassed shrug.
“I wanted to come and meet you. But that didn’t really turn out like I thought it would.” Misha scratched his jaw pensively, “But then things often don’t turn out how I think they will.”
“I think that’s because you’re certifiable,” Jensen offered honestly. He grabbed onto Jared’s hand, threading their fingers together effortlessly.
“You must have been speaking to my wife.” At the mention of Misha’s wife Jared felt a wave of shame fill him. While he knew deep down that Jensen wouldn’t cheat on him, he couldn’t deny how attractive the young doctor was, and how easily the two men seemed to communicate with each other. It was though they’d always known each other and Jared felt a slight feeling of jealousy course through him.
The three of them spoke for a few more minutes until a nurse brought in another patient for Misha to work with. Misha introduced them to Iris, a five year old girl who had been in a car crash and had broken her leg. Jared and Jensen said their goodbyes and headed back down to the lobby to leave the hospital. Jensen took the opportunity to fill Jared in to the type of program it was. How there were in patients and out patients, all given specific physiotherapy regimes based on their capabilities, level of illness or injury and what the end result would be. Jensen would start out learning the basics and scheduling, determining what patients work with which physiotherapists and doctors before moving up to shadow Misha as well as the other doctors and physiotherapists that were in the department.
Jensen’s excitement was contagious and Jared found himself excited for his boyfriend to start in a week’s time. Eventually, they found themselves back at Jared’s house, surprised to find it quiet. Someone was usually home at all times, but Tank was whining when they opened the door, bursting through it to run down onto the front lawn. He did his business happily before running and chasing his tail, expending the pent up energy that he had amassed at home alone.
“Walk?” Jensen asked with a grin. Tank yelped in response while Jared grabbed his leash. They made their way to Jensen’s house to pick up Ginny. By the time they returned to Jared’s house hours later, both men were hungry and exhausted from the emotional toil that the day had taken on them. They agreed to turn off their phones, sending of texts to their best friends so that they wouldn’t worry and curled up in Jared’s room for a relaxing night together. Jensen ordered pizza while Jared picked out a few movies and they made themselves comfortable.
“Do you really think I’d judge you because you don’t have everything figured out?” Jared asked once they’d relaxed and were drowsy from finishing dinner and the emotional toil of the day. His voice was soft and he ran his fingers through Jensen’s hair affectionately. He felt Jensen take a deep breath, as if he was trying to weigh out his words.
“I think it has more to do with me than you,” Jensen finally said. He shifted so that he could look up into Jared’s eyes, their gazes locked on one another. “I don’t like not knowing what is going to happen, and I don’t like not being in control of things.”
“Sometimes it’s inevitable.”
“I know. And in my head I knew I should talk to you about it, that you’d more likely be able to help me figure it out faster.” Jensen leaned up to kiss him softly, their mouths fitting together perfectly. “You know me better than anyone I’ve ever known before.”
Jared shook his head sadly. “Sometimes I think I have no clue. I think I’m not giving you what you need, and you’re too independent to ask me for it.”
In one smooth movement, Jensen flipped them so that Jared was lying on his back with Jensen straddling him. He held Jared’s arms down and kissed him forcefully.
“Are you serious?” When Jared nodded Jensen placed soft kisses over his eyelids, his nose and finally his mouth. “God, how do you not know,” Jensen whispered with obvious emotion. “You’re my everything, you are why I’m as strong as I am.”
“You are going to be amazing,” Jared assured Jensen with a deep kiss. “Whatever you do, you can’t not succeed.”
“God I hope so.” Their kisses deepened until finally Jared began to pull at Jensen’s shirt.
“Please,” he begged. “I need to feel you.”
“Anything,” Jensen answered. They first stripped Jensen before moving to Jared, ridding both of them of their clothes.
“I was so worried,” Jared admitted when they were naked, pressed together tightly. “I thought you’d… that you didn’t…”
“Never,” Jensen said firmly. “I’ll never not love you. Never.”
“Show me.”
Jensen nodded as he reached into the nightstand for a condom and lube. He began to prepare Jared slowly, teasingly. When he had three fingers inside of the other man, watching him writhe and fuck himself steadily on them he grinned. “Jay?”
“More,” Jared moaned. He needed more of Jensen. All of him.
“In a minute,” Jensen whispered against Jared’s mouth. “Open your eyes.”
Jared’s eyelids were heavy with arousal, his body aching for his orgasm. “Jen?”
“I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. Ever again.”
It wasn’t what Jared was expecting his boyfriend to say just then and in his surprise he froze all movements. “Uhhh good?” He watched Jensen chuckle at his confusion.
“And I don’t want you to sleep with anyone else ever either.”
“Not to be a bitch, but this isn’t news. Is this really a conversation we need to have NOW?”
Jensen licked his lips, watching Jared’s eyes follow the movement of his tongue. “Yes now. Because…” He twisted his fingers inside of Jared’s ass causing him to tremble as his fingers stroked his prostate. “I don’t want to use condoms anymore.”
The feeling of Jensen’s fingers pressing against his prostate mixed with his declaration caused for Jared to lose all control of himself. His hips jerked violently as his orgasm crept up and hit him blindly.
Chuckling, Jensen leaned in to lick Jared’s come from his hip and chest, kissing him hungrily before pulling back. “I take it that you’re okay with that?”
“We’ll get tested, on Monday.” Jared breathing was laboured. “I’m guessing that’s what you’re getting at, you want to stop using condoms but not just yet because we don’t know.”
Jensen nodded. “I’m sure we’re both clean, but I want to make 100 percent sure.”
“Fuck me. Right the fuck now,” Jared growled. He pulled Jensen in between his legs and attacked his mouth hungrily. “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.”
It took a few minutes, but when Jensen had fully sheathed himself in Jared’s body he stopped to fully enjoy the moment. He thread his fingers with Jared’s and raised them above his head, stretching him out below him as though he were a feast.
They began to move in unison, Jared thrusting up against Jensen’s gyrating hips, their mouths meeting occasionally for hungry, hot kisses. With movements that were becoming increasingly more frantic, Jared felt himself get hard once again. He begged Jensen to jerk him off, needing the contact on his cock to get him to another orgasm so that they could come together. It didn’t take long for both men to reach their release, their cries and shouts of pleasure echoing in the warm sex scented room.
Jared couldn’t help but pull Jensen as close as possible once he had pulled out of his body, disposing of the condom in the garbage next to the bed. “Don’t go, please,” Jared begged softly, his eyes drooping in exhaustion. He knew they should clean up, that they would wake up sticky, dirty and disgusted in the morning, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. All he wanted was Jensen, glued to him and pressed tightly against his body. He couldn’t bear to be separated from him right then. He was pleased with Jensen’s response.
Jensen pressed a kiss to Jared’s forehead. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”
On To Inerlude 3
Masterpost