well, then
so i'm an alternate for the JET program. at first i was excited, as of the two options i'd deemed possible (being rejected or being an alternate), this was obviously the best. now that there's been some incubation time i don't know that i'll go even if i am offered a position. i think that, depending on what happens in the upcoming months, i'll reapply for next year.
i think that i am just too emotionally unstable to ship myself half way across the globe. there's some shit to work on, and i really wonder if i can do what i need to do in that context. i'm torn, thinking that maybe the best thing i can do for myself is something totally out of character and crazy and daring, just to LIVE and work it out as i go. on the other hand, maybe that is pure idiocy and i should really try to get a handle on these issues with the help of someone 'professional', and possibly even with some meds.
i am currently feeling quite lost and scared, and that doesn't feel like the best place from which to be starting a year of living abroad. things with the Love may have pushed out their final death rattle. the notification of my alternate status lead to a discussion that lead to...a cut-off of communication from his end. basically, i asked if he still felt he'd want to maintain the relationship long distance if i went to japan (which, he'd previously said yes, but, you know, you hate to assume something like that even if it was talked about months ago), and he said he didn't know. this struck me kind of like getting water up the nose -- stinging, uncomfortable pressure. and of course my way to deal with such a sensation is to open the flood gates of discourse and just spew all of my thoughts for 30 minutes straight, following stream of consciousness even if what i'm saying is more of a thought process than product. and this never goes well. so, by the end, he was pretty much Done. i was thinking aloud that, if after 7 years there is still this level of uncertainty, there probably never will be certainty. and that, while i would love to live for the moment, i can't help wishing for things like long-term commitment and maybe a child someday. and that, if i were to go to japan, perhaps a pre-departure break up would be best, since i imagine a break up while i was there would be Disastrous. etc. you know, the ramblings of an insecure, un-self-actualized, stunted-in-adolescence clenched fist with a stomach ache.
so. here i am . exactly where i've put myself. where will i put myself next?
in good news: i've been exercising and yogaing, and it's keeping me slightly to the right side of sane. :::thumbs up:::
i've also got sprouts in the dirt, though i'm wondering how gardening will go with two larger plots than last year if the Love is no longer on board. enough with the borrowing trouble though. that's how i got myself here in the first place. a path fucking paved with borrowed trouble.
i think that i am just too emotionally unstable to ship myself half way across the globe. there's some shit to work on, and i really wonder if i can do what i need to do in that context. i'm torn, thinking that maybe the best thing i can do for myself is something totally out of character and crazy and daring, just to LIVE and work it out as i go. on the other hand, maybe that is pure idiocy and i should really try to get a handle on these issues with the help of someone 'professional', and possibly even with some meds.
i am currently feeling quite lost and scared, and that doesn't feel like the best place from which to be starting a year of living abroad. things with the Love may have pushed out their final death rattle. the notification of my alternate status lead to a discussion that lead to...a cut-off of communication from his end. basically, i asked if he still felt he'd want to maintain the relationship long distance if i went to japan (which, he'd previously said yes, but, you know, you hate to assume something like that even if it was talked about months ago), and he said he didn't know. this struck me kind of like getting water up the nose -- stinging, uncomfortable pressure. and of course my way to deal with such a sensation is to open the flood gates of discourse and just spew all of my thoughts for 30 minutes straight, following stream of consciousness even if what i'm saying is more of a thought process than product. and this never goes well. so, by the end, he was pretty much Done. i was thinking aloud that, if after 7 years there is still this level of uncertainty, there probably never will be certainty. and that, while i would love to live for the moment, i can't help wishing for things like long-term commitment and maybe a child someday. and that, if i were to go to japan, perhaps a pre-departure break up would be best, since i imagine a break up while i was there would be Disastrous. etc. you know, the ramblings of an insecure, un-self-actualized, stunted-in-adolescence clenched fist with a stomach ache.
so. here i am . exactly where i've put myself. where will i put myself next?
in good news: i've been exercising and yogaing, and it's keeping me slightly to the right side of sane. :::thumbs up:::
i've also got sprouts in the dirt, though i'm wondering how gardening will go with two larger plots than last year if the Love is no longer on board. enough with the borrowing trouble though. that's how i got myself here in the first place. a path fucking paved with borrowed trouble.