(no subject)
random depression. well, i guess it isn't actually random. it's been here for a while, but i keep putting it off. i need to get angry and let it all go. but i won't let myself. so i go online or call lexi and somehow block out the rising depression and anger and hate that is rising and choking off my oxygen.
i almost got angry. i mean really angry. and i needed too. i needed to just go and let it all out and allow myself to be mad and allow myself to be angry and to vent. but no. instead i found lexi, and talked to her till i felt better, or atleast not angry anymore.
i've tried to recreate what made me angry. to think about and see if it would get such a strong reaction again. it didn't. instead i wrote some rambeling 4 page peice of shit thing about nothing. sorted out some issues and thoughts, but didn't get out the anger that is slowly eating away my brain.
i know somehow it is connected to pat and to the events of my youth and to all of that. and i know it has to deal with people not thinking about me and that i might be affected by what was going on, or just not caring. and i know i got angry. very angry. on the verge of crying hysterical anger. but then i stopped myself, and made myself me cute and docile and fit in the mold i've made for myself.
i need to just get mad. and let myself get mad. let myself scream and beat something to death and then crumple on the floor and sob myself to sleep. i actually think at this point it might be healthy. i've never let myself do that. i've kept in too many years of anger and somehow i need to get rid of atleast the initial rage. and i think that all i need to do i sit outside, get myself mad and pissed and then go to town on the tree in the backyard with a bat. and scream. and cry hysterically. and scream some more. and then crumple and sob.
it's just that know my mind knows i want to do that, it isn't letting me agitate myself to that point. so i'm going to have to wait for it to come.
if i really wanted to do it fast i could probably wait till i was tired and grumpy, and then read all of "the posts" and get bad and upset and angry, and then let it all go. but somehow i have to make sure i don't skin off my knuckles *raises eyebrows at lexi and shakes head and smiles*. i need to borrow somebody's CD. one of those angry sort of one that i am unfortunate not to own.
it's weird. i've been trying to suppress my anger, and now i'm trying to provoke it. well, provoke it in a quasi controlled environment. i need to sleep. i am tired and synical and pessemistic.
i need to let myself be mad. i think once i can allow myself to be actually bad at all this shit then i can actual deal with it. not like my fake ass dealing with it like i have been. evidently that hasn't been working as well as i hoped. if i get angry at it though, and let all that go, maybe i can then cry and deal with it all and then heal. hm...god that would be nice.
i've spent too long seeing things and hearing things and hoping and wishing and crying and chewing and pulling and scratching and cutting. this needs to end. it's eating away at everything else so now it's eating away at my brain, and i will NOT let it do that. i'll figure out how to eventually. yeah. i'm tired of being miserable. i think i'm finally ready to deal with all this. hm. yeah. i think i'm finally ready to deal with this.
so maybe last night did have some up shots afterall...
i almost got angry. i mean really angry. and i needed too. i needed to just go and let it all out and allow myself to be mad and allow myself to be angry and to vent. but no. instead i found lexi, and talked to her till i felt better, or atleast not angry anymore.
i've tried to recreate what made me angry. to think about and see if it would get such a strong reaction again. it didn't. instead i wrote some rambeling 4 page peice of shit thing about nothing. sorted out some issues and thoughts, but didn't get out the anger that is slowly eating away my brain.
i know somehow it is connected to pat and to the events of my youth and to all of that. and i know it has to deal with people not thinking about me and that i might be affected by what was going on, or just not caring. and i know i got angry. very angry. on the verge of crying hysterical anger. but then i stopped myself, and made myself me cute and docile and fit in the mold i've made for myself.
i need to just get mad. and let myself get mad. let myself scream and beat something to death and then crumple on the floor and sob myself to sleep. i actually think at this point it might be healthy. i've never let myself do that. i've kept in too many years of anger and somehow i need to get rid of atleast the initial rage. and i think that all i need to do i sit outside, get myself mad and pissed and then go to town on the tree in the backyard with a bat. and scream. and cry hysterically. and scream some more. and then crumple and sob.
it's just that know my mind knows i want to do that, it isn't letting me agitate myself to that point. so i'm going to have to wait for it to come.
if i really wanted to do it fast i could probably wait till i was tired and grumpy, and then read all of "the posts" and get bad and upset and angry, and then let it all go. but somehow i have to make sure i don't skin off my knuckles *raises eyebrows at lexi and shakes head and smiles*. i need to borrow somebody's CD. one of those angry sort of one that i am unfortunate not to own.
it's weird. i've been trying to suppress my anger, and now i'm trying to provoke it. well, provoke it in a quasi controlled environment. i need to sleep. i am tired and synical and pessemistic.
i need to let myself be mad. i think once i can allow myself to be actually bad at all this shit then i can actual deal with it. not like my fake ass dealing with it like i have been. evidently that hasn't been working as well as i hoped. if i get angry at it though, and let all that go, maybe i can then cry and deal with it all and then heal. hm...god that would be nice.
i've spent too long seeing things and hearing things and hoping and wishing and crying and chewing and pulling and scratching and cutting. this needs to end. it's eating away at everything else so now it's eating away at my brain, and i will NOT let it do that. i'll figure out how to eventually. yeah. i'm tired of being miserable. i think i'm finally ready to deal with all this. hm. yeah. i think i'm finally ready to deal with this.
so maybe last night did have some up shots afterall...