(no subject)
i have made staring at the walls an art.
haha.
how pathetic.
wait, talking about me here...of COURSE it's pathetic.
and i can't help thinking that his parents might be at least a little right. i saw him. how could someone that looked like...that...not be hurt, not be damaged...and it was from me. god. they ARE right. *cries* funny, i told nikki it was fine, and don't let this get to you, and yet it has gotten to me. well, something else got to me first (no, i still don't know what) but this...this idea that they might be right, and i might be part of the reason he is going through what he is going through might be my fault...lets just say i've thought bad things more than once since monday.
and i know they are wrong. i know it. but then...at the same time i don't. even if it came from him himself, i would still have that nagging doubt that i hurt him, that somehow i've scarred him.
god. why do i do this to myself. i don't mean to. it's always that little voice inside that keeps telling me that his parents are right, that janet was right, that vivek was right...even though i know they are wrong...but then sometimes i'm not so sure, and then as soon as i'm not so sure then it's like a little crack in a damn or something and soon i'm sitting on my bed downing 34 sleeping pills...or in this case staring at the walls. i just sit there, and stare, and rock, and stare...for hours...mom is scared, so is dave, but who gives a fuck about dave...yeah...
*sigh*
i'll just go back to my wall now....
haha.
how pathetic.
wait, talking about me here...of COURSE it's pathetic.
and i can't help thinking that his parents might be at least a little right. i saw him. how could someone that looked like...that...not be hurt, not be damaged...and it was from me. god. they ARE right. *cries* funny, i told nikki it was fine, and don't let this get to you, and yet it has gotten to me. well, something else got to me first (no, i still don't know what) but this...this idea that they might be right, and i might be part of the reason he is going through what he is going through might be my fault...lets just say i've thought bad things more than once since monday.
and i know they are wrong. i know it. but then...at the same time i don't. even if it came from him himself, i would still have that nagging doubt that i hurt him, that somehow i've scarred him.
god. why do i do this to myself. i don't mean to. it's always that little voice inside that keeps telling me that his parents are right, that janet was right, that vivek was right...even though i know they are wrong...but then sometimes i'm not so sure, and then as soon as i'm not so sure then it's like a little crack in a damn or something and soon i'm sitting on my bed downing 34 sleeping pills...or in this case staring at the walls. i just sit there, and stare, and rock, and stare...for hours...mom is scared, so is dave, but who gives a fuck about dave...yeah...
*sigh*
i'll just go back to my wall now....