Depressed
I hate myself right now. I was reminded last night that, although I wish I could be with those I love, I am most definitely not in the same town as they, so I can't. Good for me. All I have to do is get my BFA completed. Let's see, that's how many studio classes? More than I want to think about right now. Last time I graduated from school, I was sick. The time before that, I was sick too. Being the mathematically inclined person that I am, I am seeing a pattern here that I don't like. I don't like it one bit. So, I'll just go finish all those classes right now so I can be sick again. Whee. I just love being sick and weak, oh, and don't forget contagious. Whatever I'm sick with has also been contagious so I get shut up in the house for a couple of days, nevermind the fact that I'm too weak and/or nauseous to leave anyway.
So that BFA of mine. Going for one in art. When I was getting my BA in it, I thought I could really do something with it, thought I was really going somewhere. Now, I feel like I'm going nowhere at all, only backwards. I felt like I managed to find a place that was safe, a place where I could be stable, both mentally and physically. Now, dipping back into the world of fantasy, of placing ideas on paper, making statements with pictures, I find myself feeling drained and lacking friends and family to really help me cope. Many of my friends are hundreds of miles away. My family is the same. My sister is here in college, but it's her first year and she has her own life, her own friends and her own schedule. Boyfriend is half a nation away. Not like I can run to him for help or, especially, help him with anything.
I feel closest to and most at home with my boys, the two horses I own, and my boardee's dog, who always greets me when I come to see my horses. I really love the kids I tutor at work, too, and not in any perverted way. They are just full of energy and, while sometimes a huge pain, are generally a great deal of fun to teach. But they only come to be tutored. They are the student, I am the teacher.
So I enjoy the time spent with them most of the time, as I also enjoy the time I spend with my four-legged boys and canine friend. I just miss a certain other canine, as well as human companionship. I miss having guy-friends to watch action movies with and having some girl-friends to eat meals with. I miss math classes, actually, with the logical thinking and straightforward approaches and slick tricks for solving equations and puzzles. I like to be creative, but I don't think I have much to say anymore. Life stinks. I think most people would agree with me, but why put that on paper. I'd rather give people hope. I don't think the artwork I create this year or the following will give any of that- not when I have so little myself.
So that BFA of mine. Going for one in art. When I was getting my BA in it, I thought I could really do something with it, thought I was really going somewhere. Now, I feel like I'm going nowhere at all, only backwards. I felt like I managed to find a place that was safe, a place where I could be stable, both mentally and physically. Now, dipping back into the world of fantasy, of placing ideas on paper, making statements with pictures, I find myself feeling drained and lacking friends and family to really help me cope. Many of my friends are hundreds of miles away. My family is the same. My sister is here in college, but it's her first year and she has her own life, her own friends and her own schedule. Boyfriend is half a nation away. Not like I can run to him for help or, especially, help him with anything.
I feel closest to and most at home with my boys, the two horses I own, and my boardee's dog, who always greets me when I come to see my horses. I really love the kids I tutor at work, too, and not in any perverted way. They are just full of energy and, while sometimes a huge pain, are generally a great deal of fun to teach. But they only come to be tutored. They are the student, I am the teacher.
So I enjoy the time spent with them most of the time, as I also enjoy the time I spend with my four-legged boys and canine friend. I just miss a certain other canine, as well as human companionship. I miss having guy-friends to watch action movies with and having some girl-friends to eat meals with. I miss math classes, actually, with the logical thinking and straightforward approaches and slick tricks for solving equations and puzzles. I like to be creative, but I don't think I have much to say anymore. Life stinks. I think most people would agree with me, but why put that on paper. I'd rather give people hope. I don't think the artwork I create this year or the following will give any of that- not when I have so little myself.