I shit my pants at the end of the world
The rain poured down as I waded out of the ocean. No turning back now, I thought. Behind me, the remnants of the 747 Jet-plane I had come in on sank below the surface. In the bubbling uproar, bodies and limbs swirled around lifeless oxygen masks in the water.
One by one, they sank under. I was all that was left of Flight 104. Lucky me, eh?
As I scrambled up the rocky shore, I checked myself for damage. It was then that I realized I had been impaled through the hip. Not knowing whether I should remove the foreign object, I used my shirt sleeve as a tourniquet and began walking. My balls felt like oatmeal. I had to find a doctor.
It took me five hours to make it to the interstate. Why did the plane crash? Last thing I remember is falling asleep watching Beethoven… the dog movie... then there were screams. When I woke up, there was water rushing at me. Someone undid my seatbelt... it was a stewardess... no, they're called flight attendants.... she got hit with something…
I had forgotten it was raining, when it started to hail. The wind was coming in sideways, and my leg was starting to sting. I began limped as best as I could along the ditch. South? North? East? Where the fuck am I going? It doesn't matter. Someone will come.
I reached a sign. I couldn't read it, because it had been burnt. Then I noticed the trees. They were on fire, even in the rain. What I had mistook for fog was actually smoke. Then I saw the planes.
I had come to the top of a rise, and in the distance, a city was burning. Every airplane had come out of the sky and crashed on the ground. Wreckage and chaos as far as the eye can see. The hail has turned back into cold water. It has no effect on the fires. Nothing but screams float in on the wind.
I immediately dropped my pants and took a dump on the pavement. I shit when I get nervous. There was nothing around the wipe with, so I didn't bother. That proved to be a mistake when I developed a pungent odor a few hours later.
I walked to the city. After a brief and silent suburb, I came into the downtown corridor. Buildings were alight- one structure had already collapsed; a half-twisted flaming wreckage with charred corpses entwined in a grotesque snapshot of carnage. I looked across the street at another building on fire, and saw a woman in the window. She was the first person I’d seen.
We stared at each other for a while, me on the street, her from a 3rd story window. Then she reached down and picked up a baby. With a last kiss on its head, she politely stuck the baby out the window and let go. It landed with a thud, out of my view, behind an abandoned vehicle. I looked back up to the window, and the lady was gone. Probably off to kill herself, I thought.
I wandered through the apocalyptic city for a while, but there wasn't sight or sound of another person. A gunshot rang out in the distance. Probably looters. Looters would be all over this shit. But what happened?
My leg had begun to sting again, so I broke into a doctor's office. There was blood all over the walls. People had died there. I found some rubbing alcohol and poured it over the shrapnel. Then I gave myself a shot of morphine and yanked it out. I passed out.
When I came to, there was a bright light. I was being dragged. It was sunny outside. I tried to see who was dragging me, but all I saw were slightly singed boots. I was put down on something flesh and bone. I turned. It was a corpse; just as I expected.
Pivoting around my leg, I saw a man standing above me.
"You alive then?" he said. His voice was gruff, like Scruff McGruff.
"Fuck" was all I could reply. I passed out again.
When I woke up again, I was shocked to find my leg was missing. I was now in a bed, in an apartment. I had a great view, seeing as one wall had collapsed completely.
"A plane hit this building" the man said. He was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. His pants were around his ankles, and he was masturbating to pornography. He put down his magazine and re-dressed himself.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Aliens." He replied.
"Oh."
I later learned that Aliens had indeed invaded, in a campaign of rape and then death. The sex-craved aliens fucked both man and woman, elderly and child, and then incinerated them with laser guns. They even fucked BABIES. Then, after they fucked and burnt 99% of the Earth's population, they left. Off to fuck another planet.
Interstellar perverts. Well, maybe this is a good thing. Think positive, right? It's not like we were doing so well ourselves. North Korea, Iraq and the US Empire are things of the past. We've got a fresh start. We can rebuild and learn from this.
Oh yeah, my leg's gone. I landed on the floor. I have to remember I can’t stand.
"Do you want me to kill you?" the man asked. I could see his face now- he was serious-looking. Military type; Old; Shriveled. He was wearing a purple tuxedo.
"My leg..." I blurted out.
"You were out of commission for a week. I had to eat." the man said.
"Excuse me?" said I.
"I ate your leg." he repeated.
And so it was. I spent the last month of my life with this man. Every week he ate another of my limbs. Every week he asked if I wanted him to end it all. I had considered it at first, but I grew enamored with his stories (he talked to me when he wasn’t eating). He told me about the aliens. The planes crashed because the aliens hit the earth with a big magnetic gravity pulse... weird science! Then he told me a bit about his life. He used to be a general, but then he became a politician, and everything went to shit. He said he was glad something had ended our society, because it was inevitable anyway, and we were just dragging things out. He kept using a scale as a metaphor. Balance. He also wanted to rebuild. We agreed on almost everything- except him eating me... I wasn’t keen on that.
When I had become just a torso, I asked him why he was eating me.
"You never told me to stop" he replied.
"OK. Stop."
"Alright."
And he stopped eating me. Simple as that. I guess it never hurts to ask.
He came in the next day with a backpack slung over his broad shoulders.
"I'm going north. Food's run out" he said, nodding at me.
"Ok, cool, catch you later then." I smiled. He left.
That was yesterday. I spent most of the afternoon wiggling myself toward the wall-less side. Falling off a bed really hurts when you don't have limbs. You can't soften the fall. I'm a lump of potatoes. That's kind of funny, because my wife always told me I was a couch potato. I bet she's dead now. Too bad our life insurance won't count. Did I tell you that I used to be a photographer? Oh well, that was another life.
So I'm sitting on the precipice of my room, phantom legs dangling towards the rubble below. The sun is setting, and in the distance the forest is on fire. The man had told me before he left that there was a fire storm sweeping up from the south. The whole world was on fire. There was always haze on the horizon.
The door to the room creeps open. I maneuver myself around and see an egg-headed alien looming at me. I think he's wondering where my limbs went. There's saliva dripping from his tongue... but maybe this alien's sexual organ IS its tongue. Ew, I'm right. Here he comes.
I tried to roll myself off the edge, but I was too late. The alien explored me with his slimy proboscis. It's incredibly violating to spend your last minutes on Earth getting tongue fucked by an alien. But the view was great. Fire and sun. Halfway to romantic.
After he'd had his way with me, I saw him reach for his laser. I guess this is it. I'd like to thank my family, for abandoning me in my youth; my friends, for introducing me to drugs and alcohol; my high school gym teacher, for giving me an A in exchange for fellatio... oh, no time. He's pointing that laser at me.
"Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself," I mutter.
And happy trails to you.
One by one, they sank under. I was all that was left of Flight 104. Lucky me, eh?
As I scrambled up the rocky shore, I checked myself for damage. It was then that I realized I had been impaled through the hip. Not knowing whether I should remove the foreign object, I used my shirt sleeve as a tourniquet and began walking. My balls felt like oatmeal. I had to find a doctor.
It took me five hours to make it to the interstate. Why did the plane crash? Last thing I remember is falling asleep watching Beethoven… the dog movie... then there were screams. When I woke up, there was water rushing at me. Someone undid my seatbelt... it was a stewardess... no, they're called flight attendants.... she got hit with something…
I had forgotten it was raining, when it started to hail. The wind was coming in sideways, and my leg was starting to sting. I began limped as best as I could along the ditch. South? North? East? Where the fuck am I going? It doesn't matter. Someone will come.
I reached a sign. I couldn't read it, because it had been burnt. Then I noticed the trees. They were on fire, even in the rain. What I had mistook for fog was actually smoke. Then I saw the planes.
I had come to the top of a rise, and in the distance, a city was burning. Every airplane had come out of the sky and crashed on the ground. Wreckage and chaos as far as the eye can see. The hail has turned back into cold water. It has no effect on the fires. Nothing but screams float in on the wind.
I immediately dropped my pants and took a dump on the pavement. I shit when I get nervous. There was nothing around the wipe with, so I didn't bother. That proved to be a mistake when I developed a pungent odor a few hours later.
I walked to the city. After a brief and silent suburb, I came into the downtown corridor. Buildings were alight- one structure had already collapsed; a half-twisted flaming wreckage with charred corpses entwined in a grotesque snapshot of carnage. I looked across the street at another building on fire, and saw a woman in the window. She was the first person I’d seen.
We stared at each other for a while, me on the street, her from a 3rd story window. Then she reached down and picked up a baby. With a last kiss on its head, she politely stuck the baby out the window and let go. It landed with a thud, out of my view, behind an abandoned vehicle. I looked back up to the window, and the lady was gone. Probably off to kill herself, I thought.
I wandered through the apocalyptic city for a while, but there wasn't sight or sound of another person. A gunshot rang out in the distance. Probably looters. Looters would be all over this shit. But what happened?
My leg had begun to sting again, so I broke into a doctor's office. There was blood all over the walls. People had died there. I found some rubbing alcohol and poured it over the shrapnel. Then I gave myself a shot of morphine and yanked it out. I passed out.
When I came to, there was a bright light. I was being dragged. It was sunny outside. I tried to see who was dragging me, but all I saw were slightly singed boots. I was put down on something flesh and bone. I turned. It was a corpse; just as I expected.
Pivoting around my leg, I saw a man standing above me.
"You alive then?" he said. His voice was gruff, like Scruff McGruff.
"Fuck" was all I could reply. I passed out again.
When I woke up again, I was shocked to find my leg was missing. I was now in a bed, in an apartment. I had a great view, seeing as one wall had collapsed completely.
"A plane hit this building" the man said. He was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. His pants were around his ankles, and he was masturbating to pornography. He put down his magazine and re-dressed himself.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Aliens." He replied.
"Oh."
I later learned that Aliens had indeed invaded, in a campaign of rape and then death. The sex-craved aliens fucked both man and woman, elderly and child, and then incinerated them with laser guns. They even fucked BABIES. Then, after they fucked and burnt 99% of the Earth's population, they left. Off to fuck another planet.
Interstellar perverts. Well, maybe this is a good thing. Think positive, right? It's not like we were doing so well ourselves. North Korea, Iraq and the US Empire are things of the past. We've got a fresh start. We can rebuild and learn from this.
Oh yeah, my leg's gone. I landed on the floor. I have to remember I can’t stand.
"Do you want me to kill you?" the man asked. I could see his face now- he was serious-looking. Military type; Old; Shriveled. He was wearing a purple tuxedo.
"My leg..." I blurted out.
"You were out of commission for a week. I had to eat." the man said.
"Excuse me?" said I.
"I ate your leg." he repeated.
And so it was. I spent the last month of my life with this man. Every week he ate another of my limbs. Every week he asked if I wanted him to end it all. I had considered it at first, but I grew enamored with his stories (he talked to me when he wasn’t eating). He told me about the aliens. The planes crashed because the aliens hit the earth with a big magnetic gravity pulse... weird science! Then he told me a bit about his life. He used to be a general, but then he became a politician, and everything went to shit. He said he was glad something had ended our society, because it was inevitable anyway, and we were just dragging things out. He kept using a scale as a metaphor. Balance. He also wanted to rebuild. We agreed on almost everything- except him eating me... I wasn’t keen on that.
When I had become just a torso, I asked him why he was eating me.
"You never told me to stop" he replied.
"OK. Stop."
"Alright."
And he stopped eating me. Simple as that. I guess it never hurts to ask.
He came in the next day with a backpack slung over his broad shoulders.
"I'm going north. Food's run out" he said, nodding at me.
"Ok, cool, catch you later then." I smiled. He left.
That was yesterday. I spent most of the afternoon wiggling myself toward the wall-less side. Falling off a bed really hurts when you don't have limbs. You can't soften the fall. I'm a lump of potatoes. That's kind of funny, because my wife always told me I was a couch potato. I bet she's dead now. Too bad our life insurance won't count. Did I tell you that I used to be a photographer? Oh well, that was another life.
So I'm sitting on the precipice of my room, phantom legs dangling towards the rubble below. The sun is setting, and in the distance the forest is on fire. The man had told me before he left that there was a fire storm sweeping up from the south. The whole world was on fire. There was always haze on the horizon.
The door to the room creeps open. I maneuver myself around and see an egg-headed alien looming at me. I think he's wondering where my limbs went. There's saliva dripping from his tongue... but maybe this alien's sexual organ IS its tongue. Ew, I'm right. Here he comes.
I tried to roll myself off the edge, but I was too late. The alien explored me with his slimy proboscis. It's incredibly violating to spend your last minutes on Earth getting tongue fucked by an alien. But the view was great. Fire and sun. Halfway to romantic.
After he'd had his way with me, I saw him reach for his laser. I guess this is it. I'd like to thank my family, for abandoning me in my youth; my friends, for introducing me to drugs and alcohol; my high school gym teacher, for giving me an A in exchange for fellatio... oh, no time. He's pointing that laser at me.
"Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself," I mutter.
And happy trails to you.