A little something for the hardcore kids!!
There comes a time in your life when you have to make decisions. Take, for example, the time of your life when you pissed your bed. Now, at the wise age of 5, you were at a huge crossroad: do you lie back in your piss-stained sheets, or do you go sleep on the couch, soaked and all? And who can forget the time when you “accidentally” took a shit on the neighbor’s dog, and he caught you? You knew you were going to get beat down, it was just a matter of when. You could tell your father, and take a few jabs in the head, or you could wait until your friendly neighbor informed your pops of the no-no, and get laid out worse than a hoe who shortchanges her pimp.
Now, I’m generalizing here, but I guess the majority of you reading this are in the age range of 15 to 21. You’ve been “hardcore” for years now (yeah right), and you love the scene. However, you’re feeling like half a man, and three quarters of a transvestite, considering the pants you’re wearing. Maybe, you think, it’s time to grow some hair on your balls, and leave your “true” scenester friends, and become an individual. No way, you say! Death to conformity! …
But, as the days go by, you know that your straightedge time is coming to an end. Well, this is why Gooch is so great. I’ve seen this coming for years now, so I’ve done all the planning for you. I’m going to give you scenesters a gift… and you guys don’t like me…
Here is the official Gooch list of genres, information and all. Because, as you know, you just HAVE to be a part of something. After all, who wants to be unique, right? Therefore, this informative little article will allow you to weigh out your options, and choose a new scene that’s just right for you. Here they are:
COUNTRY COWBOY
"Nothing says party like a Vince Gill tune."
Pros: You get to wear cowboy hats and chaps, and you can line dance! Yee haw! And don’t forget to ride mechanical bulls, it does wonders for the raisins that you call testicles.
Cons: You can’t get chicks with more than three teeth. Wait a minute… isn’t Tim McGraw pounding Catherine Zeta Jones? Sweet Jesus Jeb, we may be on to something here!
GOTH KID
"Tears, fears, and poetry."
Pros: If you can convince a goth chick that you’re straight, BINGO! (Make sure she’s not 300 pounds, and make sure she is plenty dirty). If that doesn’t work, then you don’t have to wallow in the depths of suffering once you slit your wrists.
Cons: Wow, where to start. You get to wear make-up, mesh clothing, striped wrist bands, terrible hairstyles, and listen to horrible music. You will most likely see a large amount of male homosexuality in any goth club, which does not make up for the excellent lesbian scene.
EMO SHITBAG
"The evolution of goth."
Pros: Your parents will think you’re retarded, and you can get prescription drugs to ease your mental anguish.
Cons: No one will like you, you have to listen to Pedro The Lion, and cry when you watch Jerry McGuire. Sad, sad, sad.
GANGSTA RAPPER
"From the streets, yo!"
Pros: You must carry a gun at all times. You’re also obliged to start shit whenever possible, and call every woman a bitch (except yo mama, fool). You can use the word YO as either a noun, pronoun, adjective, or verb. You can listen to Old Dirty Bastard as much as you want. You get to wear baseball caps everywhere. You can make a music video consisting of bitches in bikinis, all while throwing money at a camera.
Cons: Your pants might be so baggy that you either trip over them, or they just plain fall right off your ass. You might get shot for “representin”. People might find out that you grew up in the mean streets of Aspen. You have to drive an Escalade with spinners. You will have neck cramps for life because due to the excessive bling. 8 mile!!!
Choos one and then commit suicide!!!
Now, I’m generalizing here, but I guess the majority of you reading this are in the age range of 15 to 21. You’ve been “hardcore” for years now (yeah right), and you love the scene. However, you’re feeling like half a man, and three quarters of a transvestite, considering the pants you’re wearing. Maybe, you think, it’s time to grow some hair on your balls, and leave your “true” scenester friends, and become an individual. No way, you say! Death to conformity! …
But, as the days go by, you know that your straightedge time is coming to an end. Well, this is why Gooch is so great. I’ve seen this coming for years now, so I’ve done all the planning for you. I’m going to give you scenesters a gift… and you guys don’t like me…
Here is the official Gooch list of genres, information and all. Because, as you know, you just HAVE to be a part of something. After all, who wants to be unique, right? Therefore, this informative little article will allow you to weigh out your options, and choose a new scene that’s just right for you. Here they are:
COUNTRY COWBOY
"Nothing says party like a Vince Gill tune."
Pros: You get to wear cowboy hats and chaps, and you can line dance! Yee haw! And don’t forget to ride mechanical bulls, it does wonders for the raisins that you call testicles.
Cons: You can’t get chicks with more than three teeth. Wait a minute… isn’t Tim McGraw pounding Catherine Zeta Jones? Sweet Jesus Jeb, we may be on to something here!
GOTH KID
"Tears, fears, and poetry."
Pros: If you can convince a goth chick that you’re straight, BINGO! (Make sure she’s not 300 pounds, and make sure she is plenty dirty). If that doesn’t work, then you don’t have to wallow in the depths of suffering once you slit your wrists.
Cons: Wow, where to start. You get to wear make-up, mesh clothing, striped wrist bands, terrible hairstyles, and listen to horrible music. You will most likely see a large amount of male homosexuality in any goth club, which does not make up for the excellent lesbian scene.
EMO SHITBAG
"The evolution of goth."
Pros: Your parents will think you’re retarded, and you can get prescription drugs to ease your mental anguish.
Cons: No one will like you, you have to listen to Pedro The Lion, and cry when you watch Jerry McGuire. Sad, sad, sad.
GANGSTA RAPPER
"From the streets, yo!"
Pros: You must carry a gun at all times. You’re also obliged to start shit whenever possible, and call every woman a bitch (except yo mama, fool). You can use the word YO as either a noun, pronoun, adjective, or verb. You can listen to Old Dirty Bastard as much as you want. You get to wear baseball caps everywhere. You can make a music video consisting of bitches in bikinis, all while throwing money at a camera.
Cons: Your pants might be so baggy that you either trip over them, or they just plain fall right off your ass. You might get shot for “representin”. People might find out that you grew up in the mean streets of Aspen. You have to drive an Escalade with spinners. You will have neck cramps for life because due to the excessive bling. 8 mile!!!
Choos one and then commit suicide!!!