5/05/08*
it all started out by me making a simple suggestion ;
it was to call him since the simple interuptions of life
& scheduale conflicts seemed to constantly counteract.
i knew right then;
i knew someting was going to change.
so it started off the usual, the laughs, the catching up chats, the throw back
conversations that were so detailed that you felt like you both were there again
in the begining of highschool in the classroom where you both exchanged glances
& realized you would want that person in your life forever, whatever the case may bring.
when you knew, something was going to change, for the rest of your life.
he always knew. he wasn't stupid. he knew me better than i even
thought i knew myself sometimes. after the little mind games & sappy
remarks we would exchange to another just to pass the time away while
the enjoyment & great pleasure of listening to eachother, really listening
to eachother & talking at a level which you didn't think you both were
amicably capable of, but, it happend. the phone call started at 9.
you had your hangups & cut outs. you had your 45 minutes between
each 10 minute break while one of us was rudely interupted or desired
at the moment in time but, once 12:30 rolled around, the real
conversation began. it was so just, what i never thought it would be.
our laughs continued to grow louder,
the jokes got funnier,
the conversation grew serious.
after sharing red faces together, it became
20 questions. everytime i hesitated, he'd
egg me on. he knew everytime i lied.
jesus, you DO know me well.
it was so incredible. it showed hoe much attention he really did pay to me
all of these years.
toying with eachother with words, we talked about the next time.
next time we'd exchange glances, next time we'd lock lips, next time
our souls would mate together as one again. out of no where he
he asked me if he's the only person i'd let him do anything to me, mentally
& physically. i replyied yes after being called out by him. he asked me next
if i really liked him & loved him still, i said yes once again after he pleaded with
me to open up to him & tell me the truth. his response was not what i had expected.
he told me the other 'love of his life' wanted a kid. i was disgusted & felt
useless after belching out my feelings bottled up in my stomach for 4+ years.
having the strength to tell the love of my life, the guy i lost my virginity to, the
man that made me realize i wasn't ugly neither inside or out, the guy that
helped me bring out my beauty, the guy that helped me be apart of who i am today.
before i was contemplating hanging up & telling him i had to go to bed, he
cut me off. there was a long pause. wait, he said. wait. this is what i wanted
to tell you, he whispered. "i realised i would want to have a baby with you".
he wants to be the father of my child.
i was in awwe.
he said he's take care of me & the baby. he wants me to be the father
of his child over his 'chicago chick'. he cares for me more than i ever
imagined. he begged me to go up there as soon as possible. he misses
me. part of him needs me. he wants me endlessly. i would have never
expected that. i am partially still in shock about this. just, in cloud 9.
he asked me seriously, if he were to get me pregnant would i keep
the kid, & told him he would be the only person i'd keep the kid with.
he told me he liked talking to me. he told me everything i wanted
to hear without even having to make a move or asking for it.
he told me everything my heart wanted to know.
he wanted to talk to me alone; he planned to tell me all of that.
hence the call me backs every 15 minutes. he hasn't been online today.
i wish i didn't give my heart to him.
i don't want it to be broken again. another year until he can come down.
maybe i'll see him.
M A Y B E.