Love and hate and the taste of alone.
I was reading recently about the difference between love and hate. The author of the particular text I was engrossed in, stated that the only difference between the two emotions is the intensity of the feelings involved, He was stating that hate is the more powerful emotion, and the more longer lasting one.
An interesting concept, in that I, myself, having recently been broadsided by the horror known as love, find myself wondering, with apprehension, if I am now experiencing the alternate emotion , hate.
I pride myself on NOT hating, on forgiveness, even when I know in my heart that the recipient of that forgiveness is underserving of it. I pride myself on not holding grudges, on getting on with my life after the debris of a shattered relationship has settled, and I also try my utmost not to dwell on "what might have been." If it's over, it's over...move on, dust yourself off, step back into the fray and all that other happy horseshit.
Well, now I have the uncomfortable realization that I think I hate Topher.
I don't like this. I think I need to simply forget him, and if anyone has a trick to that....please let me know. I want him erased from my mind and heart so that I can move on.
I found out from him that he has been seeing another girl, pretty much the whole time he has been apart from me. She has just come into town and he is taking two weeks off work so that they can have a nice, romantic Christmas together. Isn't that just fucking adorable?
He tells me that he kept this knowledge from me as he "Didn't want to hurt me!" ?????? I guess bumping into him and his new girlie out someplace would have hurt me so much less??????
That difference between love and hate....the hate switch flipped on all the way as I listened to him go on about her "great tits," and her age. (22) how much money she makes, and what she bought him for Christmas. He is a fucking idiot...an evil, self involved child in the body of a man.
I figured out as I was listening to him that love means that you think of your partner several times a day, they are always somewhat in your peripheral thoughts. A warm, sort of fuzzy happy feeling engulfs you when they come to mind.
Hate on the other hand means that the person is in your EVERY waking thought. You feel an overwhelming powerful emotion every time you think of them. Thier face is gouged into your heart and mind, your blood quickens at the thought of them, much more so than when you loved them.
The idea of sex with this hated one is unbelievably powerful. No soft carressess or sweet whisperings. No, This would be vicious, hardcore, throw me against the wall and grudge fuck me type of sex. The kind that leaves you gasping and breathless, scratched, dishevelled and bruised. Unforgettable and powerful.
Hmmmm. I am doing some soul searching to see if my inclination for that kind of sex means that I am not the nice person I though I was.
I watched Topher as he was rattling on about Amber, his new victim, and I wanted to fuck him into unconsiousness right then and there, not because I loved him at that moment, but the bitter taste of hate welled up to the point that I had to excuse myself and leave the room before I lashed out and slashed his throat or something.
Scary huh? I don't like this feeling. I want it gone. I want to be nice again. I don't like hate, as it destroys the hater NOT the hated. He is having a lovely romantic Christmas with his big titted girl. Whearas I am all alone and unhappy, Where's the fucking justice in all of that?
Maybe she will treat him with the total disregard he treated me with. Maybe she will hurt him to the point of hate the way he hurt me, but ya know......that is NOT how the world works. They will be happy and have fun and be romantic and he will never, ever think of me the whole time she is here. That is what will happen. So, that's the reason for me writing this shit down, and sharing it with the entire world. I need it OUT OF ME!
I feel better just writing it down, I really do. I want him to move away from here with this girl. If I never see him again it will be too soon. Here's the kicker by the way.
She is from Texas! He met her online, (AS he meets all of his victims.) She lives in Frisco Texas, right down the fucking street from where he used to live. I told him he should move back there with her.
"Oh no," says he.
"I love it here! I am NEVER moving."
Shit....She won't move here as I guess she has this bad ass job in Texas, so I hope he moves there. That's what he usually does anyway.
Well, that's the end of my therapy session for today kiddies. Now I have to get ready and go to work and earn my daily bread. I need a vacation....but I have no-where to go, and no-one to go with. Aint that fucking pathetic?
An interesting concept, in that I, myself, having recently been broadsided by the horror known as love, find myself wondering, with apprehension, if I am now experiencing the alternate emotion , hate.
I pride myself on NOT hating, on forgiveness, even when I know in my heart that the recipient of that forgiveness is underserving of it. I pride myself on not holding grudges, on getting on with my life after the debris of a shattered relationship has settled, and I also try my utmost not to dwell on "what might have been." If it's over, it's over...move on, dust yourself off, step back into the fray and all that other happy horseshit.
Well, now I have the uncomfortable realization that I think I hate Topher.
I don't like this. I think I need to simply forget him, and if anyone has a trick to that....please let me know. I want him erased from my mind and heart so that I can move on.
I found out from him that he has been seeing another girl, pretty much the whole time he has been apart from me. She has just come into town and he is taking two weeks off work so that they can have a nice, romantic Christmas together. Isn't that just fucking adorable?
He tells me that he kept this knowledge from me as he "Didn't want to hurt me!" ?????? I guess bumping into him and his new girlie out someplace would have hurt me so much less??????
That difference between love and hate....the hate switch flipped on all the way as I listened to him go on about her "great tits," and her age. (22) how much money she makes, and what she bought him for Christmas. He is a fucking idiot...an evil, self involved child in the body of a man.
I figured out as I was listening to him that love means that you think of your partner several times a day, they are always somewhat in your peripheral thoughts. A warm, sort of fuzzy happy feeling engulfs you when they come to mind.
Hate on the other hand means that the person is in your EVERY waking thought. You feel an overwhelming powerful emotion every time you think of them. Thier face is gouged into your heart and mind, your blood quickens at the thought of them, much more so than when you loved them.
The idea of sex with this hated one is unbelievably powerful. No soft carressess or sweet whisperings. No, This would be vicious, hardcore, throw me against the wall and grudge fuck me type of sex. The kind that leaves you gasping and breathless, scratched, dishevelled and bruised. Unforgettable and powerful.
Hmmmm. I am doing some soul searching to see if my inclination for that kind of sex means that I am not the nice person I though I was.
I watched Topher as he was rattling on about Amber, his new victim, and I wanted to fuck him into unconsiousness right then and there, not because I loved him at that moment, but the bitter taste of hate welled up to the point that I had to excuse myself and leave the room before I lashed out and slashed his throat or something.
Scary huh? I don't like this feeling. I want it gone. I want to be nice again. I don't like hate, as it destroys the hater NOT the hated. He is having a lovely romantic Christmas with his big titted girl. Whearas I am all alone and unhappy, Where's the fucking justice in all of that?
Maybe she will treat him with the total disregard he treated me with. Maybe she will hurt him to the point of hate the way he hurt me, but ya know......that is NOT how the world works. They will be happy and have fun and be romantic and he will never, ever think of me the whole time she is here. That is what will happen. So, that's the reason for me writing this shit down, and sharing it with the entire world. I need it OUT OF ME!
I feel better just writing it down, I really do. I want him to move away from here with this girl. If I never see him again it will be too soon. Here's the kicker by the way.
She is from Texas! He met her online, (AS he meets all of his victims.) She lives in Frisco Texas, right down the fucking street from where he used to live. I told him he should move back there with her.
"Oh no," says he.
"I love it here! I am NEVER moving."
Shit....She won't move here as I guess she has this bad ass job in Texas, so I hope he moves there. That's what he usually does anyway.
Well, that's the end of my therapy session for today kiddies. Now I have to get ready and go to work and earn my daily bread. I need a vacation....but I have no-where to go, and no-one to go with. Aint that fucking pathetic?