It's alive!!
I've not passed into the ether yet, mind you. I've been hermit-y lately times ten, but hanging in there. I don't post much, but I do read. Lurking there in the shadows, creeping stealthily about...something sinister like that. I like staying up-to-date on the goings-on in everyone's lives, so please don't think I'm not here. I am.
I keep reiterating that it's not the end of the world, but it feels that way sometimes. I don't even think losing the person you love is the hardest part. It's when you discover that all the things you were so sure of, and all the things that felt so real, were lies and skittish dances around reality, that you break. You turn around one day and suddenly realize that it's all poison and lies, and understand why you never had faith in people and should never have broken that rule to begin with.
I can handle being lonely. We're all lonely, in varying degrees, at some time or other. But what I've been feeling isn't loneliness. What I've been feeling is the complete inability to be around other people, because every person I see terrifies me. I don't trust my judgement anymore because I couldn't see the snake in my own bed, and I find myself just hiding away from everyone.
But I've seen so many things about myself now that I never could have seen before. Maybe I was and am a bad person. Maybe I've been bitter and angry, and so wrong about everything up until now. But I'm not wrong when I say that I didn't deserve what I was handed. Yet here it is, just the same. No more tears and no more regrets. I learned my lesson, and maybe because of it I will be a better person. And while I'm sure that Luke will want the credit for having forced my hand, for having shoved me into a more genuine and honest life, I hope he knows that it is NOT his love that made me a better person: it was his leaving. I have no room for deception and infidelity; I will no longer tolerate fictional allegiances. I may be a bad person, but it takes one to know one, and I sure do deserve better.
Toasts to the solidarity of self-exploration, and the casting-off of those who grovel for less.
Now that he's gone my body will be sacred, and so will my mind. I won't spend another second of my life sharing either of them with those who don't deserve it. I acknowledge that I am completely unable to differentiate between the deserving and non, so I will abstain by default. The venom and hate are going to flow out of me so clear and bright, and it will be replaced by something calmer and much more hard-won. Others won't be so lucky, and I hope they rot in it.
Okay...so I'm still a little bitter. Bother.
Hope all is well. End of missive.
I keep reiterating that it's not the end of the world, but it feels that way sometimes. I don't even think losing the person you love is the hardest part. It's when you discover that all the things you were so sure of, and all the things that felt so real, were lies and skittish dances around reality, that you break. You turn around one day and suddenly realize that it's all poison and lies, and understand why you never had faith in people and should never have broken that rule to begin with.
I can handle being lonely. We're all lonely, in varying degrees, at some time or other. But what I've been feeling isn't loneliness. What I've been feeling is the complete inability to be around other people, because every person I see terrifies me. I don't trust my judgement anymore because I couldn't see the snake in my own bed, and I find myself just hiding away from everyone.
But I've seen so many things about myself now that I never could have seen before. Maybe I was and am a bad person. Maybe I've been bitter and angry, and so wrong about everything up until now. But I'm not wrong when I say that I didn't deserve what I was handed. Yet here it is, just the same. No more tears and no more regrets. I learned my lesson, and maybe because of it I will be a better person. And while I'm sure that Luke will want the credit for having forced my hand, for having shoved me into a more genuine and honest life, I hope he knows that it is NOT his love that made me a better person: it was his leaving. I have no room for deception and infidelity; I will no longer tolerate fictional allegiances. I may be a bad person, but it takes one to know one, and I sure do deserve better.
Toasts to the solidarity of self-exploration, and the casting-off of those who grovel for less.
Now that he's gone my body will be sacred, and so will my mind. I won't spend another second of my life sharing either of them with those who don't deserve it. I acknowledge that I am completely unable to differentiate between the deserving and non, so I will abstain by default. The venom and hate are going to flow out of me so clear and bright, and it will be replaced by something calmer and much more hard-won. Others won't be so lucky, and I hope they rot in it.
Okay...so I'm still a little bitter. Bother.
Hope all is well. End of missive.