Don't tell me what I want to hear; afraid of never knowing fear
OK, so this is most likely going to be a huge post due to the amount of time since my last. Since last writing about my world as if I were the most important thing in the world (how I love the narcisism of the internet).
First things first: I fucking graduated. No joke. I have put behind me the bad memories of roommates who were overly sensitive and that I threatened on numerous instances. Behind me are the dumb girls who always hated me for no goddamn reason (well, I am smarter and better than them, so the resentment was justified). Here's to the memories of the triforce, Judson and lotion. Here's to Lindsay losing it once a week and once at a crazy bitch baring a name similar to mine (who goes to bed at 9:30? Good luck in New York you crazy, crazy bitch). Here's to getting drunk in Craig and Sean's room with nothing to do and much to say. Here's to Watership Down, which explains so much. Stupid Bunnies. Here's to the boys I didn't realize were enthralled by me and therefore were dragged along with the rest of my priorities. Here's to the second floor. Here's to Jason and his skewed to the left penis that punctured my egg. Here's to uncomfortable silences and bad baseball euphemisms. Here's to rescheduled gym times to appease the poor president who used my blood as lubrication. Classy. Here's to having sex on a boat during sailing class and never regretting it. Here's to finally tearing Jackie's head off for being an attention starved bitch with virgin-whore complex. Here's to missing Jeanine all year. Here's to Mao and Erica. Hon wa doko desu ka? Nan peeji? Watashi wa sake o nomitai. Here's to Oral finally loosening up. This is for Craig and Krystals, which felt like a bowling ball in my stomach and left the fear of many gods in me. For Andrew and his always being "Black and Vigilant". Here's to Adam and my "activeness". For Manu, Fairvilla and temptation- you're all mine! Here's to the week of illness and tapeworms during which Scott and Lindsay took care of me like no one else.
And now... Here I am. Finished with it all and utterly confused. No really. Graduating is as scary as they say. Who are they? I don't know, but this time they're right. That whole thing about them saying that microwaves cause cancer and that Iraqis are coming to take over the U.S. is bullshit. Only believe "them" when I say so. It's absolutely horrifying to know that there is no longer a safety bubble that can protect me from the evil germs outside. I hate change. I despise it and live too much in fear of it. So it goes. Even still, it has to be dealt with. So, will I actually be in Mexico in August? Will I instead wait out the position to teach in Japan? Will I work for a year in California and get my shit together, gain residency and continue school? To do that though, Bob (yes, Dr. Moore is forcing me to call him Bob now that I'm no longer a student- it's very strange- one Ms. Camplese can understand), says that fellowships are received after field studies and language proficiencies. So, Mexico or Japan must be first. But what? And when will I care about my grammar again? Dooshite?! Everyone says that it'll work out, but I'm not so sure. There's a reason Kerouac dropped out of Columbia and went on a road trip. Breakdowns are easy to come by in any one's stage of education. If I could write like Jack, I sure as hell wouldn't come back. This problem is now only further compounded by emotions and people. Now, I must extrapolate. Warning: Emotional, personal shit coming up.
I am now officially dating Scott. As in he is my boyfriend. As in we have discussed how horribly upset we're going to be when we have to separate in a month for different continents and maybe even hemispheres. We have also discussed now why we didn't get together earlier. We both thought we could resist the draw, the magnetism. Distance= less pain. And now, here we are, best friends; former neighbors, lovers; and a couple. A couple that does not want to end and yet does not want to cause inconveniences. I refuse to change my life for a boy again (that's how I ended up at Rollins after all) and he refuses to let me. And he has no other option but California and hopefully Japan to get into grad school. I was planning on going to Cali. in the future anyway because of their liberal policies and the likelihood of them accepting my sexual studies (Berkeley's anthro. program has a sexual studies specialization) and my friend Laura Nader, whom I know quite well now. But I must leave the country first. I must leave Scott first. I can't believe it all. I'm in a relationship. I hate that word. And yet, with him- I fear not committment or change. Just the inevitable fact that pain is coming and times, they are a-changing.
I refuse to proofread this because it's already taken too much of my time. I'm going to go watch T.V., read, and generally distract myself. Damn internet blogs. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing!
Can I get an encore? Do you want more? What the hell are you waiting for?
First things first: I fucking graduated. No joke. I have put behind me the bad memories of roommates who were overly sensitive and that I threatened on numerous instances. Behind me are the dumb girls who always hated me for no goddamn reason (well, I am smarter and better than them, so the resentment was justified). Here's to the memories of the triforce, Judson and lotion. Here's to Lindsay losing it once a week and once at a crazy bitch baring a name similar to mine (who goes to bed at 9:30? Good luck in New York you crazy, crazy bitch). Here's to getting drunk in Craig and Sean's room with nothing to do and much to say. Here's to Watership Down, which explains so much. Stupid Bunnies. Here's to the boys I didn't realize were enthralled by me and therefore were dragged along with the rest of my priorities. Here's to the second floor. Here's to Jason and his skewed to the left penis that punctured my egg. Here's to uncomfortable silences and bad baseball euphemisms. Here's to rescheduled gym times to appease the poor president who used my blood as lubrication. Classy. Here's to having sex on a boat during sailing class and never regretting it. Here's to finally tearing Jackie's head off for being an attention starved bitch with virgin-whore complex. Here's to missing Jeanine all year. Here's to Mao and Erica. Hon wa doko desu ka? Nan peeji? Watashi wa sake o nomitai. Here's to Oral finally loosening up. This is for Craig and Krystals, which felt like a bowling ball in my stomach and left the fear of many gods in me. For Andrew and his always being "Black and Vigilant". Here's to Adam and my "activeness". For Manu, Fairvilla and temptation- you're all mine! Here's to the week of illness and tapeworms during which Scott and Lindsay took care of me like no one else.
And now... Here I am. Finished with it all and utterly confused. No really. Graduating is as scary as they say. Who are they? I don't know, but this time they're right. That whole thing about them saying that microwaves cause cancer and that Iraqis are coming to take over the U.S. is bullshit. Only believe "them" when I say so. It's absolutely horrifying to know that there is no longer a safety bubble that can protect me from the evil germs outside. I hate change. I despise it and live too much in fear of it. So it goes. Even still, it has to be dealt with. So, will I actually be in Mexico in August? Will I instead wait out the position to teach in Japan? Will I work for a year in California and get my shit together, gain residency and continue school? To do that though, Bob (yes, Dr. Moore is forcing me to call him Bob now that I'm no longer a student- it's very strange- one Ms. Camplese can understand), says that fellowships are received after field studies and language proficiencies. So, Mexico or Japan must be first. But what? And when will I care about my grammar again? Dooshite?! Everyone says that it'll work out, but I'm not so sure. There's a reason Kerouac dropped out of Columbia and went on a road trip. Breakdowns are easy to come by in any one's stage of education. If I could write like Jack, I sure as hell wouldn't come back. This problem is now only further compounded by emotions and people. Now, I must extrapolate. Warning: Emotional, personal shit coming up.
I am now officially dating Scott. As in he is my boyfriend. As in we have discussed how horribly upset we're going to be when we have to separate in a month for different continents and maybe even hemispheres. We have also discussed now why we didn't get together earlier. We both thought we could resist the draw, the magnetism. Distance= less pain. And now, here we are, best friends; former neighbors, lovers; and a couple. A couple that does not want to end and yet does not want to cause inconveniences. I refuse to change my life for a boy again (that's how I ended up at Rollins after all) and he refuses to let me. And he has no other option but California and hopefully Japan to get into grad school. I was planning on going to Cali. in the future anyway because of their liberal policies and the likelihood of them accepting my sexual studies (Berkeley's anthro. program has a sexual studies specialization) and my friend Laura Nader, whom I know quite well now. But I must leave the country first. I must leave Scott first. I can't believe it all. I'm in a relationship. I hate that word. And yet, with him- I fear not committment or change. Just the inevitable fact that pain is coming and times, they are a-changing.
I refuse to proofread this because it's already taken too much of my time. I'm going to go watch T.V., read, and generally distract myself. Damn internet blogs. What are they good for? Absolutely nothing!
Can I get an encore? Do you want more? What the hell are you waiting for?