Slowly slowly...
Putting the pieces back together, but I can't see what the whole is supposed to be. Like in the movies when they use stickytape to rebuild that prized vase of mothers that was knocked over during the wild chase/sex/fight scene. Except I'm not sure I'm supposed to be building a vase, the pieces are a different shape to what makes sense and my fingers can't feel how to put them together, my eyes can't see what this is meant to look like. And I can't trust my brain, it just sees what it wants, and pretends that my pile of pieces is a perfectly formed, unbroken heart.
What to do when my bestest friend is the one person I can't rely on, for fear of being too close, of falling back into the trap I've only just realised has had me caught for years. It's a trap of my own construction, and all I can say is damn I can build a trap. I need a friend, a number of friends, people that are in my life, but everything is so fucking hard. I can't get to the people I need, the friends in action, the ones that can see me in a look.
And why are we getting so close, and so far all at the same time? I feel like I can see the future, growing out of my stomach, just like in Donnie Darko, that this time has been everything I get, that these hours won't gel, won't form a solid bond and glue everything in the places I want them so much to be. And I hide as much as I can, I hide for fear of showing too much, for fear of opening my chest and risking the delicate sides of the hole I want to fill. Because I see my future self and all it can say to me is that pain is coming.
I'm certain this can't be healthy. I'm equally certain I can't stop until it ends of its own accord. Mostly I'm fine, I function, I manage, I cope. But if I call you to talk, I may never stop, or I may never start, and there's every chance it will end in tears. Don't tell me to let go, I can't and be me. I don't even know what I'd be stopping, it implies I know what I'm doing, that I'm working to some guidance or plan. But my actions are as uncoordinated as the rest of my life currently.
I'm not this lazy person that faces me in the mirror these days. There is no excuses for the way I'm acting, the things I'm doing, and not doing. I need to find my resolve again, I need to take action in my life. What the hell happened to who I was? I must be in here somewhere, I used to live here...
What to do when my bestest friend is the one person I can't rely on, for fear of being too close, of falling back into the trap I've only just realised has had me caught for years. It's a trap of my own construction, and all I can say is damn I can build a trap. I need a friend, a number of friends, people that are in my life, but everything is so fucking hard. I can't get to the people I need, the friends in action, the ones that can see me in a look.
And why are we getting so close, and so far all at the same time? I feel like I can see the future, growing out of my stomach, just like in Donnie Darko, that this time has been everything I get, that these hours won't gel, won't form a solid bond and glue everything in the places I want them so much to be. And I hide as much as I can, I hide for fear of showing too much, for fear of opening my chest and risking the delicate sides of the hole I want to fill. Because I see my future self and all it can say to me is that pain is coming.
I'm certain this can't be healthy. I'm equally certain I can't stop until it ends of its own accord. Mostly I'm fine, I function, I manage, I cope. But if I call you to talk, I may never stop, or I may never start, and there's every chance it will end in tears. Don't tell me to let go, I can't and be me. I don't even know what I'd be stopping, it implies I know what I'm doing, that I'm working to some guidance or plan. But my actions are as uncoordinated as the rest of my life currently.
I'm not this lazy person that faces me in the mirror these days. There is no excuses for the way I'm acting, the things I'm doing, and not doing. I need to find my resolve again, I need to take action in my life. What the hell happened to who I was? I must be in here somewhere, I used to live here...