(no subject)
I stayed home from school today. Im not sure why i did really. I think its because last night i decided im tired of school. once i even think that i want to stay home tomorrow, even if i get up and get ready, i find a way to stay home. i dont know why. i even drove beth and sarah to school today and decided to stay home. i mean, i didnt feel wonderful, but it wasnt because i felt sick. i think its because im just tired. tired of everything. i think too much sometimes. i am constantly wondering about random shit, like where will i be in 10 years, and will chris and i ever get married.. and if we break up, what will be the reason? im so scared of losing him. he really is the best thing i have, and i dont think he realizes that. i was really walking on the edge of suicide when i met him. i cant say that i would ever kill myself, but it was always in the back of my head. i even surprise myself sometimes with how often i still think about it. i get so mad and depressed that i just get that "ill show them" feeling, and i picture what everyone would do if i just did it. i would want to do it for more of the shock factor, not because i want my life to end. i really do love life.. just not all the parts of it. i can remember even as a kid at about 5 years old, i would think about killing myself or running away, just because i know that would cause the most pain possible. especially if i left a note saying "YOU are the reason i did this". seriously, i thought about that. that doesnt seem normal to me. i guess it could be because im always tempted to take things one step further that i should. it would be such a waste though. i dont know... i miss my dad. i would have thought that almost 3 years later i would be better, but im not. everyone thinks im ok now, but its more that i have just mastered pretending to be ok. and i guess sometimes i really am ok.. or i forget about being not ok. i dont know. i just think that people go through things that are so much harder than what i have, and i should toughen up and take it. thats what i try to do. but its always tugging at my sleeve, reminding me that my dad is gone forever. i often wake up thinking hes going to come back, but i know he wont. i wish he could.. its so hard. when you are little everyone tells you that you can do anything you dream of. i cant bring my dad back, can i? i dont think so. it really is what i want more than anything. it would complete my life. my world would be such a great place.. i miss him more than anything. i was just getting to know him when he died. i really didnt know him when he died, and im jealous of my brothers and sisters who got to spend so much time with him. i took my dad for granted, and i never really knew how great he really was. it just sucks. and i hate dwelling on it.
anyway. i never really updated on how i did at nationals. i got 6th. out of 6. i was embarrassed. i didnt even want to go to the awards show and show my face. i just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it. but losing made me realize how much i really do like lifting. i was thinking about quitting before it happened, but i love the challenge. i want to go back and do it again. i think if i work hard enough i can be really good. i have highschool state championships in about 2 weeks. i want to go and prove to myself that i can do better than i did at nationals. and i have volleyball practice tonight. i havent played in about 2 weeks. i miss volleyball. its going to suck when the season ends because i probably wont get to play ever again.
ok well im going to go now..
anyway. i never really updated on how i did at nationals. i got 6th. out of 6. i was embarrassed. i didnt even want to go to the awards show and show my face. i just wanted to go to sleep and forget about it. but losing made me realize how much i really do like lifting. i was thinking about quitting before it happened, but i love the challenge. i want to go back and do it again. i think if i work hard enough i can be really good. i have highschool state championships in about 2 weeks. i want to go and prove to myself that i can do better than i did at nationals. and i have volleyball practice tonight. i havent played in about 2 weeks. i miss volleyball. its going to suck when the season ends because i probably wont get to play ever again.
ok well im going to go now..