im tired. really tired.
i hate being constantly sad about my dad. i just want to be over it. and i think i am sometimes but then i just come to realize that im a sad pathetic cry baby who cant just get over it. and i hate it. i hate crying, i hate feeling sorry for myself, and i hate being different from everybody. i just want my fucking dad back. life would be so much better, and easier for me. for one, we would be financially stable. since he has died, ive had a whole barrage of new responsibilities given to me. just things normal teenage girls wouldnt have to do. like mow the lawn, shovel the snow, take out the trash... i mean i guess these are normal, but not for me. i miss having a man around the house to do stuff for my mom and i. now we have to do it on our own. a lot of the time chris or mark will do shit for us, but i feel so guilty asking for favors. the other night chris got in a fight with his brother about how he does so much for me, and he said its like im trying to replace my dad with him. and maybe thats it, but that really hurt. if chris were dating any other girl he wouldnt have this problem.. i feel like a burden to him sometimes. he just does so much for me, i feel like i ask too much. today he was going to take me to get my car fixed, but i decided to tell him i would take care of it myself. i dont know how yet, but hopefully i will. i think i will start doing shit on my own from now on. i need to.
chris is going to uno now. i told him i decided that i want to go to uno for college, so he decided to switch to uno too. im excited to get out of highschool! this is my last semester of highschool!!! this summer i am either getting an appartment or staying in the dorms with school starts. i cant decide what i want to do. ill make a pro/con list: dorms: pros: free housing with my financial aid, lots of furnature comes with the room, stay with beth, nice rooms, cons: chris cant stay with me, i cant bring my cat, i cant smoke in the room, i cant bring my bed, the dorms have rules, and i cant move in until school starts. ok and now the appartment: pros: chris and sarah can stay with us, i can bring my cat, i can bring my bed, i can smoke in the room, no rules, possibly a pool, i can move out during the summer cons: i have to pay rent, i dont know if im ready to stay with chris, things could get crazy!
yea i still have no idea what i want to do. i like that with an appartment you get more freedom, but with the dorms i dont have to pay rent. so who knows what will happen. i suppose i should get ready for work now though. i was going to work out, but i dont have anyone to spot me...so i guess when i get back i will. but now i have to go..
chris is going to uno now. i told him i decided that i want to go to uno for college, so he decided to switch to uno too. im excited to get out of highschool! this is my last semester of highschool!!! this summer i am either getting an appartment or staying in the dorms with school starts. i cant decide what i want to do. ill make a pro/con list: dorms: pros: free housing with my financial aid, lots of furnature comes with the room, stay with beth, nice rooms, cons: chris cant stay with me, i cant bring my cat, i cant smoke in the room, i cant bring my bed, the dorms have rules, and i cant move in until school starts. ok and now the appartment: pros: chris and sarah can stay with us, i can bring my cat, i can bring my bed, i can smoke in the room, no rules, possibly a pool, i can move out during the summer cons: i have to pay rent, i dont know if im ready to stay with chris, things could get crazy!
yea i still have no idea what i want to do. i like that with an appartment you get more freedom, but with the dorms i dont have to pay rent. so who knows what will happen. i suppose i should get ready for work now though. i was going to work out, but i dont have anyone to spot me...so i guess when i get back i will. but now i have to go..