deep shit
today i was talking to my mom about how lance armstrong won the tour de franc again, and she says to me "i'm happy for him, but i also dont like him. how come he survived cancer and your dad didn't? its not fair". it made me want to break down and cry. my thoughts are flying all different directions, and i feel like a complete cerebral mess. i had never thought that way until my mom said that, but now that i think about it, yea why did he get to survive? was it "god's will"? or desity? i dont believe in god, nor destiny, but part of me thinks things happen for a reason. i think my dad died to make me stronger. and it has. it has opened my mind so much, its made me believe that anything is possible, and you should live life like its your last day alive.
when im alone i think too much. all day i have been preoccupied with thoughts of death, and life... and why things happen the way they do. i just want to know so many things, that i am almost positive i will never find out, or will have to make a guess for my self. it seems like the most important things are unknown for a reason. like if we knew we would all go insane or something. maybe the ones who go insane by not knowing are a glitch in the system.. i mean what if by some chance there is a god? or isnt? or there is an afterlife, and there are ghosts walking among us? how would we ever know, if not by experiencing it ourselves? and when you die, what if there is an afterlife, but when you die, there is no beforelife? and it is just an ongoing cycle of reincarnation, where these answers are never answered and we all recycle into a new being time and time again.... or what if when you die, you just die. it goes black, no thought, no soul, no nothing.. you just die and that's it. black. i hope for a heaven, where you live forever and ever (hallelujah!), where everyone lives in peace. including murderers and so-called sinners. i hope that everyone starts with a blank sheet...
maybe heaven is what you yourself believe what it is. to each its own...
im sorry, i rambled forever.. but i think i needed to.
when im alone i think too much. all day i have been preoccupied with thoughts of death, and life... and why things happen the way they do. i just want to know so many things, that i am almost positive i will never find out, or will have to make a guess for my self. it seems like the most important things are unknown for a reason. like if we knew we would all go insane or something. maybe the ones who go insane by not knowing are a glitch in the system.. i mean what if by some chance there is a god? or isnt? or there is an afterlife, and there are ghosts walking among us? how would we ever know, if not by experiencing it ourselves? and when you die, what if there is an afterlife, but when you die, there is no beforelife? and it is just an ongoing cycle of reincarnation, where these answers are never answered and we all recycle into a new being time and time again.... or what if when you die, you just die. it goes black, no thought, no soul, no nothing.. you just die and that's it. black. i hope for a heaven, where you live forever and ever (hallelujah!), where everyone lives in peace. including murderers and so-called sinners. i hope that everyone starts with a blank sheet...
maybe heaven is what you yourself believe what it is. to each its own...
im sorry, i rambled forever.. but i think i needed to.