for a little while there i actually had a glimmer of self-respect...
schoolwork is such a drag. it's totally cramping my style. it kinda hit me this morning that i'll have to leave ireland in not so long, and i still have a million places to go, but i also have shit like essays to do, and i have totally forgotten how to write so essay-writing is now more painful than ever. choir is no fun anymore, and i've witnessed some pretty destructive drinking/drug taking this past week so i'm a bit shaken. also i have an essay due in two days and, reflecting on the effect last semester's essays had on me (and how terrible they were) i feel like running away from school and just traveling, i think it would be infinitely more beneficial. staying in galway and halfassing my way through classes is just too...half assed for me. i'm totally wasting my time. and everyone else's...i mean what does writing nonsense essays that you don't learn anything from do for the rest of the world? there's so much of galway to discover and so much of ireland and the rest of europe to explore...and so much life experience to be had. what use is going home at 9 every night to get a good nights' sleep to get up obscenely early to study or do assignments or attend class or what not? it eats up time when i could be doing other things...when i could be having a life. haven't i paid my dues yet? how long do i have to spend getting a degree that won't prepare me for any specific job? it's pretty much lost its appeal.
however, if i don't finish school, i run the risk of turning out like nick's older brother the huge bum who has crashed on our couch and shows no signs of leaving. jeff is the person i have spent my whole life trying not to be: immature, needy, demanding, overexcitable, a total embarassment to his bro, and he doesn't know when to stop. don't get me wrong, he's a great guy at first, he has a great sense of humor, and he's always up for getting drunk/stoned/whatever. but then it just gets old. nick almost has to take care of him, to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone...and nick's no angel either (tho jeff totally makes him look like one). i hope this rant doesn't sound malevolent; i actually feel sorry for the guy because there must be something truly wrong. he's 28 and unemployed and when he leaves here it'll only be to move back home with his mother.
maybe it's unwarranted, but i can't help feeling that, in 8 years' time, i could be jeff. he went to school and he's intelligent; he just has a few wires crossed somewhere in his head. i'm so restless right now that i probably won't end up graduating for another two years, and then i'll probably never get grad school or anything organized, so i'll just be working bs jobs and definitely not accomplishing anything that i ever wanted to in life. what the fuck is wrong with people like myself and jeff? is it some sort of mental handicap? a developmental disorder? we get stuck at age 18 and can't ever function as an adult? i don't try to be irresponsible, it just happens. way too much. it's like an addiction to something....an addiction to doing jack shit. i wish someone would smack some sense into me or finally persuade me that college, work, etc boring blah is still worth it. i feel like i've just broken down and lost all motivation to do anything. basically, after months of doing useless stupid shit and trying not to get cynical about it, i have become useless and stupid.
however, if i don't finish school, i run the risk of turning out like nick's older brother the huge bum who has crashed on our couch and shows no signs of leaving. jeff is the person i have spent my whole life trying not to be: immature, needy, demanding, overexcitable, a total embarassment to his bro, and he doesn't know when to stop. don't get me wrong, he's a great guy at first, he has a great sense of humor, and he's always up for getting drunk/stoned/whatever. but then it just gets old. nick almost has to take care of him, to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone...and nick's no angel either (tho jeff totally makes him look like one). i hope this rant doesn't sound malevolent; i actually feel sorry for the guy because there must be something truly wrong. he's 28 and unemployed and when he leaves here it'll only be to move back home with his mother.
maybe it's unwarranted, but i can't help feeling that, in 8 years' time, i could be jeff. he went to school and he's intelligent; he just has a few wires crossed somewhere in his head. i'm so restless right now that i probably won't end up graduating for another two years, and then i'll probably never get grad school or anything organized, so i'll just be working bs jobs and definitely not accomplishing anything that i ever wanted to in life. what the fuck is wrong with people like myself and jeff? is it some sort of mental handicap? a developmental disorder? we get stuck at age 18 and can't ever function as an adult? i don't try to be irresponsible, it just happens. way too much. it's like an addiction to something....an addiction to doing jack shit. i wish someone would smack some sense into me or finally persuade me that college, work, etc boring blah is still worth it. i feel like i've just broken down and lost all motivation to do anything. basically, after months of doing useless stupid shit and trying not to get cynical about it, i have become useless and stupid.