shameless
lately i have been experiencing this shift towards unusual honesty in my interactions with people. i hear the things that come out of my mouth and i surprise myself.
on thursday i left work and headed to happy-hour. there i found myself involved in a very candid conversation with a guy in the navy, visiting with his crew from--of all places--san diego. the conversation started with his asking me about my tattoo and i eventually found myself telling him about my dreams and ambitions, and he shared his desires to "cut loose" and be as "free" as i am.
after that i went on my first seattle artwalk. my ex-girlfriend stood me up (turns out she had a seizure...bummer!) so i called up ant and he stopped by with his new girlfriend and they walked around with me. his girlfriend, it turns out, is starting an online magazine, and we started talking about writing. i spoke openly about how i went through a dark time and was suicidal, and this to a stranger i'd met only fifteen minutes earlier.
i'm just not ashamed anymore of my life or my path.
for this last week or so, i've felt a bit lonely. i look around me at all of my friends who are coupled up now, at my ex who moved on so quickly, and at strangers who have been thrown into high-gear for the spring/summer mating season, and i worry about the possibility of ever finding someone who can commit fully to me, who can challenge me...a relationship where both parties are bettered through the experience of being together. mentally my addict wants to cling to that last relationship...regardless of how truly bad, draining and pointless it was...hanging on with a big fat "what if?". "what if i'd waited till she got on anti-depressants?"..."what if i could've indentified the issue and straightened it out?"...etc etc...an exercise in frustration and futility since none of those "what ifs" did happen historically and i'm here now in the present moment, incapable of re-routing my past. and then i look at how i was then and how i am now, and i don't regret one damned thing.
"if i'm searching for my spirituality passionately, i must begin with me" - jill scott
my self esteem and confidence in my future are higher than ever, and...coincidentally (not)....i feel closer to god than ever before. i write every day (not always here). i'm going to dance classes, and eventually i'll be a kick-ass breaker. i'm steadily learning to play guitar, little by little. i'm making things again...from clothing to accessories to jewelry, creations from my own mind...and just finished the most beautiful choker i've ever made (who knew i was so creative?). i've lost fifteen pounds, work out 5x weekly, and am approaching being in the best shape of my life. i feel freer than ever to share my personality and sense of humor. and other than financial nervousness with a move coming up, i'm genuinely content with--and at times even happy with-- myself and my life. i am blossoming into an amazing person with an amazing life, and i couldn't have done it while in the grips of my addictive patterns. who can ask for more?
on thursday i left work and headed to happy-hour. there i found myself involved in a very candid conversation with a guy in the navy, visiting with his crew from--of all places--san diego. the conversation started with his asking me about my tattoo and i eventually found myself telling him about my dreams and ambitions, and he shared his desires to "cut loose" and be as "free" as i am.
after that i went on my first seattle artwalk. my ex-girlfriend stood me up (turns out she had a seizure...bummer!) so i called up ant and he stopped by with his new girlfriend and they walked around with me. his girlfriend, it turns out, is starting an online magazine, and we started talking about writing. i spoke openly about how i went through a dark time and was suicidal, and this to a stranger i'd met only fifteen minutes earlier.
i'm just not ashamed anymore of my life or my path.
for this last week or so, i've felt a bit lonely. i look around me at all of my friends who are coupled up now, at my ex who moved on so quickly, and at strangers who have been thrown into high-gear for the spring/summer mating season, and i worry about the possibility of ever finding someone who can commit fully to me, who can challenge me...a relationship where both parties are bettered through the experience of being together. mentally my addict wants to cling to that last relationship...regardless of how truly bad, draining and pointless it was...hanging on with a big fat "what if?". "what if i'd waited till she got on anti-depressants?"..."what if i could've indentified the issue and straightened it out?"...etc etc...an exercise in frustration and futility since none of those "what ifs" did happen historically and i'm here now in the present moment, incapable of re-routing my past. and then i look at how i was then and how i am now, and i don't regret one damned thing.
"if i'm searching for my spirituality passionately, i must begin with me" - jill scott
my self esteem and confidence in my future are higher than ever, and...coincidentally (not)....i feel closer to god than ever before. i write every day (not always here). i'm going to dance classes, and eventually i'll be a kick-ass breaker. i'm steadily learning to play guitar, little by little. i'm making things again...from clothing to accessories to jewelry, creations from my own mind...and just finished the most beautiful choker i've ever made (who knew i was so creative?). i've lost fifteen pounds, work out 5x weekly, and am approaching being in the best shape of my life. i feel freer than ever to share my personality and sense of humor. and other than financial nervousness with a move coming up, i'm genuinely content with--and at times even happy with-- myself and my life. i am blossoming into an amazing person with an amazing life, and i couldn't have done it while in the grips of my addictive patterns. who can ask for more?